“Mr. Jeremy, You need to shut your face!”

So last night I got assaulted by another patient…

Although I was angry and upset for having to monitor this patient in the Locked Quiet Room (LQR), I quickly reminded myself that there are more important things than rushing to Panera Bread for a tasty bread bowl of soup. I’ve finally come to that point where a potential assault at work isn’t really a big thing. There is a patient who may be coming over from residential that is capable of taking 2-3 grown men down by himself but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I’m still happy with my job and the people I work with. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to HAVE a job.

It’s been a great week overall! My long time friend who is living in North Carolina was in town for Thanksgiving break and my basketball team swept the Old Spice Tournament beating Oklahoma State, Maryland, and Tennessee. It’s snowed over 4 feet in the past week and my dog is doing really well! She’s actually sitting next to me this very moment. Things in my personal life have gotten interesting as well. There’s a tech at work who I’ve been talking with and hanging out with and it’s nice to have someone I can vent to about work who understands. H is relatively new and she’s pretty cute! We went to lunch this weekend and I loved the time we shared and finding out more about who she is. She’s interested in pursuing here RN as well and we’re trying to see if we’ll be able to take some courses at PPCC together. My staff on Willow Wing have been giving me a hard time about it. I still claim that we’re just friends but they are convinced otherwise. Two nights ago, I went over to the adult unit to get away from the kids and stress that I was feeling that night and Rae came over on her break. H asked me to pour Mt. Dew for her and I figured it was no big thing and obliged. Well, to make a long story short, Rae – my partner in crime tech, came up to me singing… You’ve got it bad by Usher. Confused, I pressed the matter trying to see what she was talking about and she swears H and I were following each other around like lovesick puppies. I’m still not convinced but Rae threw the Norm of Reciprocity in my face and I guess I can kind of see what she’s getting to. When H’s boyfriend found out that she had lunch with me, he apparently didn’t talk to her for an entire day. They live together which makes that completely ridiculous!! So…as far as I’m concerned, H and I are just friends. She has a boyfriend and even though I’m discovering that having a +1 is something I’m finding in the women I’m interested in usually have in common, I’m not planning on messing with that relationship. That’s not my style and we all hate the guy who comes in, destroys a relationship and doesn’t even think twice about it.

DRAMA!!

Thanksgiving at the Nut House

I hope all of you had a very happy and joyful Thanksgiving! Mine wasn’t all that great although I’m thankful I could dedicate my holiday to those who didn’t have the opportunity to be with their loved ones. I spent Thanksgiving at work and boy was it an eventful evening!! We had two patients who assaulted other patients. The police were called and the chaos that ensued was a complete mess to manage. One patient pulled a nice chunk of hair from another patient and a younger patient threw a folding chair hitting someone, kicked a patient, and punched another patient square in the face. Talk about drama!! In the grand aspect, it was pretty entertaining although the stress of the moment forced me into an anxiety attack. The evening was salvaged when my wonderful friends stopped by with some Thanksgiving food. My parents were in Phoenix with my grandfather helping take care of things that needed attending to since my grandmother passed away in the spring and my sister spent Thanksgiving with her new boyfriend.

All in all…It reminded me how grateful I am for my own personal mental sanity and for the amazing friends who take the time to think of me when they’re with their own loved ones.

Looking Up

Just a quick update before bed…

I can’t believe how quickly this month has flown by! In two days it’ll be Thanksgiving and I’ve got so much to be thankful for. Aspen’s surgery went well and she’s recovering much quicker than anyone imagined she would! In fact, she’s already passed out from an entire day of lounging around the house. She lives a rough life! This week also marks the second full month that I’ve been working at the hospital :-) It feels like I’ve been there forever and I’m already beginning to see some repeat offenders. With tonight’s admissions, I think I’ve seen 5-6 patients who are or who have returned through the system. It’s been overwhelmingly stressful the past week or so and I even had two anxiety attacks from the stress but I’m still standing strong with the intentions of sticking around. I really DO love my job! Things with SC and I have finally settled down and we’ve gone days without having deep text conversations while lying in bed. There’s another one from work who is interested in me but I know things won’t be progressing anywhere. The wedding reception and brunch in Atlanta was superb and it was exquisite to reunite with an old friend from high school. Finally, I landed an interview with another mental health facility as a PRN Treatment Counselor. Basically it’ll be the same type of work but at a different facility with a more distinctive population.

That’s all the energy I have for now but stay tuned for a more in-depth update! Namaste -

Adjusting the Lenses

I’ve come to the realization that there is only a limited amount I can do in the world. No matter how much light and love I shed upon the world; I’ll never be able to completely illuminate it. Despite the power of the sun, it’s always night on half the planet. For all the good you do, there will always be darkness. I don’t know why I never saw it before. I’m so enveloped in my belief in total balance that I couldn’t even see the skewed perspective I’m looking at the world from. It’s time to leave behind the greatest sin of all – regret. I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because there are so many times that I’ve been afraid to live. No More! I’m gonna find support for myself in the love that consumes every minute of life’s mountain because it’s that love which directs and justifies my every step. I’ve found that the only way to make the right decision is to know what the wrong direction. Regarding the answers of life, each of us knows what the answers are, even before someone tells us what they are. Life teaches us lessons every minute, and the secret is to accept that only in our daily lives can we show ourselves to be as wise as Solomon and as powerful as Alexander the Great!

I can’t touch every single individual live I come in contact with but I can show compassion and love perpetually. Because what is compassion? It’s essentially concern for others’ welfare, their happiness and their suffering. So as a compassionate person, I’ll feel concerned when others are miserable and do the best I can to free them of their suffering. It’s not something to limit to just family and friends but a commitment that extends to every living being whether human or sentient. People want happiness and satisfaction in life and when we realize this discover our own happiness by opening our minds and being empathetic to those around us. The small, insignificant things that bother us in our own lives melt away and we find a peace of mind that cannot be found when we’re completely engulfed in our own lives.

I work with battered and torn children. They’re neat! They’re love and a constant reminder of how fragile life is. They all have problems but don’t we all? With all of my heart and soul, I know I don’t need to be a Gandhi or a Mother Theresa to change the world. I’m working my own miracles by giving these precious individuals a reason to keep fighting the good fight. This is my vow, a vow of love for all humanity. I will not rest until all the children are well. This realization is remarkable! The past months I’ve viewed my life as a “transition” but in reality, I’ve been learning and growing. I have not been stagnating as I originally thought. In fact, I settled perfectly and precisely into the role I’ve longed for but I didn’t see it because I thought I could only accomplish that change from a position of power or social recognition. I don’t need to be a CEO of a nonprofit or the head of a humanitarian effort. I’m DOING IT in my daily life! You can too!! I have friends all over the world who are longing for the same thing I so passionately sought. They are fighting the good fight and positively influencing the world either by influencing others or individually by being truly good people. I have a dear friend who is pursuing her nursing degree in California. I hear about her life daily and can see the flame within her. I have another friend who is teaching on the east coast. She doesn’t see the impact she has on her students nor does she see that she is helping send her children into the world with the necessary tools to change the world. Another friend is in Chicago becoming a priest. In today’s mentality, we need spiritual leaders and counselors more than any of us realize. A friend in Spokane is spreading her wings and changing the world by being love manifest in a single beautiful person. There are so many more outstanding people in my life who are making a difference and who have helped me find my path. To you, I express my deepest gratitude. The world would not be the same without you.

Speeding Through Life

I’m actually not speeding through life but I did get a speeding ticket today. I was coming home from getting my car maintained and an officer on a motorcycle pulled me over for going 49 in a 35. He asked me what the speed limit was and I told him I honestly thought it was 55. I actually did! He told me that the speed limit changed about 3 blocks back and I apologized. He still wrote me the ticket but said that he would include in his report that I was compliant and that he believes if I would have known that the speed limit had changed, I would have slowed down.

Today was actually a very bright day! The weather was nice and I got plenty of things taken care of that I’ve been meaning to do. I picked up some new clothes and splurged on Iron Man, I got my car maintenanced and took care of some of the chores around the house. I was supposed to work tonight but got called off because the hospital patient census is low and they didn’t want to pay me overtime this week. Tomorrow, I have to return to the dealer to get my window looked at but I’m planning on getting a few of my TELF lessons caught up and finish a book I’m reading.

Today was one of the first days in a while that I didn’t speak to the girl at work. I don’t really want to use her name so we’ll go with SC. I’ve been slightly distancing myself from her for so I can get over the feelings I had for her a little faster. We both still want to hang out but I explained what I needed and she said she would do whatever she can so that we can still be friends. We normally have a text conversation before bedtime but I think that needs to stop. She has a boyfriend and I don’t want to complicate things any further with that.

As for an update with my dog… My parents decided to have the large tumors removed. I’m worried that the doctor will be right and many more will appear but if it gives me another year or two with Aspen, than I’ll take it. She’s in a lot of pain. She has stitches along the left side of her body and above her left eye. She’s pretty lethargic and quite possibly caught Kennel Cough. I spent the entire day I was home making sure she wasn’t scratching or chewing her stitches.

Finally, I wanted to thank my dear friend Jenn for mentioning me in her blog – New Beginnings. “I'm also tagging Jeremy at Seasons of Change because I really enjoy reading his blog and following along as he helps change the world for the better! So you have now been awarded and if you're feeling up to it, pass the award on :)” It’s nice to know people are reading and occasionally leaving comments. I encourage everyone who reads my blog to comment. Let me know if there are things you want to hear about that I haven’t mentioned or even things that you want to hear MORE about!

Winter Frost on the Windows

You ever notice how listening to Frank Sinatra can just put you in a good mood?? I’m listening to Sinatra right now after a long day at work. I've been in down mood lately. I feel like I can't accomplish anything and its disheartening. The girl situation has been bothering me and I'm kinda getting stressed about going back to school and finding a second job. I’m on day 8 of my 12 straight day work schedule and I can’t wait for the weekend. The kids on the unit aren’t really taking advantage of their treatment and are really more shitheads than individuals I can get through to. They refuse to talk about their issues and are very defiant. I’ve noticed that it’s really a cycle. Some kids are inspirational and others are just in the hospital as a legal punishment for their behavior in their own lives. I guess it’s alright though. It doesn’t really require much emotional investment and really gives me the energy to focus on some of my own things I need to focus on.

The girl I was interested in at work and I have worked things out and we’ve decided to go the friend route. If life situations were different, maybe something would have happened but to be honest, I kissed the girl when alcohol was involved. There’s no way of telling whether it was the alcohol talking or whether the feelings are sound. I realize I got caught up in it more than I should have but I also realize I have a history of that. When I fall for a girl, I trip and stumble and act a fool until I get my bearings back. I dealt with it productively by power cleaning my room and bathroom and I feel much better. She’s actually going to help set me up with one of the new techs at work who is pretty cute. People at work are starting to read too much into things anyways and as we all know, people at work love to gossip. We really don’t want to be the subject of that nonsense so we’re cutting it off at the root.

On a downside, my dog which I love just as much as my Semester at Sea travels is really sick. She has countless mini tumors on her and her breathing and physical activity is suffering. The vet said it would cost 800 dollars to have the tumors removed but guaranteed that twice as many would reappear and that it would be much more uncomfortable for the dog once that happens. I cried last night when I tried imagining living without my dog, Aspen. She’s almost 12 years old and is the dog I really grew up with. My family got her when I was in middle school and she’s been the best companion I could ever ask for. When I would leave for school, she waited for me for about 2 weeks in front of my bedroom door and refused to do anything except eat and go outside to use the restroom. When I came home, she followed me everywhere and ignored the rest of my family. Now every time I come home from work, she wiggles her but and shakes her tail in excitement. She sleeps at the foot of my bed and likes it when I talk to her. She always tilts her head left and right when I ask her questions and actually scuffs at me when I say something stupid. So much character and such a good friend.

My plans for the rest of the week are to hopefully crack through the shell and reach at least one patient. I wanna know that my 12 day streak wasn’t spent in vain. Getting caught up on my TEFL would be nice as well but I know it’s gonna be a busy week. Finally, I want to get back into my music. I’ve been writing a song on the piano forever and I’d like to finish it sometime soon. I’m finding that not participating in music is really affecting me lately. Music was one of the most important parts of my college years and strangely, I just abandoned it when I started working. There’s no excuse for that. Hearing from friends would be nice too. I’ve kinda gone MIA and haven’t really spoken to anyone outside of work for the past month or so.

A quick update

So I apologize for letting my emotions get carried away. I’ve decided that the last post should be removed just in case she runs a Google search on me and finds my blog. It’s was a little ridiculous anyways.

As for a quick update, I’ve begun applying for jobs. I’m not going to quit my current job but I am looking for a little more income. I applied to be a mental health worker at Penrose St. Francis Hospital last night and will hopefully be hearing back from them shortly. The PRN position I applied for doesn’t work very many shifts throughout the month but it will be a slightly higher pay since I won’t be accepting health benefits. Additionally, I’m getting excited and anxious to go back to school in the Spring. I think my official start date is January 23, 2009. I think I’ll only be taking 2 classes to see how I can balance it with work. If manageable, I’ll pick up another one or two the summer semester.

What a Weekend

This weekend was filled with such a potpourri of emotions that I wanted to get some of my thoughts out. Halloween weekend was a blast! I had to work the night of Halloween but I had an absolutely amazing evening. I celebrated with the kids and had absolutely no problems. We programmed with a Halloween theme and we brought in candy and decorated the milieu. After work, I met up with some friends and we all dressed up. We hit up the bars and blew off any pressures built up from the week. It was probably the most relaxed I had seen any of my new friends and I really felt like I was starting to make my way fully into the group. The next day, I spent the evening with one of those new friends. We had beers and watched a few movies. Things got a little out of control but not in the sense that people immediately think. I kissed a friend I shouldn’t have because of various external factors. I feel bad about it but I’m also a little confused as to what I really want out of it. For my avid readers, I apologize but I won’t be getting any further into details here.

I also had a conflict with the parents. A pack of cigarettes fell out of one of my pockets and my mother got really agitated about it. I realize she is only looking out for my health and wellbeing but the manner in which she expressed her discontent really put me off. Later that evening, my father forced me to have the conversation about the smoking and for some reason I just broke down. I expressed my personal sense of failure because I’m living at home. I talked about some of the reasons I haven’t really been pursing another job and it really is because I love what I do. It’s just really stressful at times and smoking seemed like a better alternative than going back to my excessive drinking. I made a realization that my parents have two separate perspectives and that they are different individuals who focus on different things. My mother is judgmental and my father is much more open minded and understanding than I’ve ever given him credit for. He shared praises that I’ve never heard from him before and it was a shaking experience for me. The conversation really gave me some food for thought.

I guess the main point I’m trying to express in this post is that I’m still learning. My perspective can always be shaken and life is always throwing me challenges that I have to deal with.

Thoughts in a Coffee Shop

I’m sitting here in a coffee shop about an hour before work and I’m pretty exhausted from an intense hour of Yoga. I haven’t gone in about two weeks because I haven’t been willing to sacrifice the precious sleep that my body has been demanding. But I’m back at it and I’m hoping to take it to the next level. One of the reasons I stopped going besides the sleep was the fact that I was beginning to go for the wrong reason. I found myself motivated by who was instructing instead of my own personal wellbeing. It’s funny how a beautiful smile can do that. So for my better interests, I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to go to B’s classes for a little while. I need to get back into practice for my sanity. There are plenty of other instructors who have just as much to offer without providing an additional reason to show. In case you’re wondering, nothing bad happened between us. I just think it would be better to get into a personal routine, void of distractions. B’s going to Thailand in January anyways.

As of now, I’m on the cusp of a new adventure. I’m now officially proclaiming that I’m going back to school. I was just accepted into the Nursing Program at Pikes Peak Community College on Saturday and I’ll begin taking classes in the spring. It’s a two year program but it will probably take me an additional semester to finish pre-req’s. Because of this new turn of events, I’ll be postponing my decision to join the military. I’ll be reevaluating the situation once I’m finished with the program. Thank you to everyone who I’ve spoken to about my decision to pursue my RN. I really got a lot of support in Portland from the friends I reconnected with as well as friends from SAS and high school. I’m truly honored to have such supportive and loving friends.

A brief update on work, things are still wonderful and the kids are just as amazing as ever. Last night, I had a conversation with a teenage girl who is battling an eating disorder. I laid it out for her and told her that there were other ways to take control of her life as well as her physical appearance in much more positive ways than what she was doing. When she thanked me for taking the time to talk with her and ask why we work at the hospital with such messed up kids, I told her it’s because we really care about the patients. I’ve said this many times before but this time it really struck a nerve. Maybe it was because this girl reminded me of all the other people in my life struggling with eating disorders or maybe it was the first time I sincerely meant it. Driving home that night, I felt overwhelmed by emotions. I’ve been longing so hard to be that change that I’ve been doing it without even realizing it. I’m actually making a difference in the lives of other people and it feels good. I feel like I’m doing something that means something to someone else and as dumb and vague as that sounds, it’s so uplifting. It’s like I’ve just filled an endless void that I never thought I’d actually fill.

LPN or RN??

This post is really for those of you who are well versed in the medical field. I’m trying to balance the differences between LPN and RN. I’ve been speaking with a number of professionals in the medical field and I’m hearing conflicting things so I want to hear from my friends who are actively serving as nurses. Can I be an RN with just an AA? If so, what’s the timeline that I should be looking at in terms of years of school? I’ve heard that I can be an RN with an AA but I’ve also heard that that’s not the case. If it IS the case, then you should know that I just sent my application to Pikes Peak Community College today but I want to make sure I’m in the right program before I actually start paying tuition and taking classes. The only classes I figure I can transfer depending on which school I go to are English Comp., General Psychology and Sociology, and Statistics. I haven’t looked into my Chemistry class but I’m sure it won’t be a problem considering it was an advanced class for nursing majors.

Wheatley Wedding Pictures

Love

Cutting of the Cake

Maid of Honor Toast

Best Matron Toast

Move to Thailand and SNOW!!

Yesterday was quite the day! Sadly, I missed yoga because I slept through my alarm and for 11.5 hours. When I woke up and realized what I had done, I was a little upset. Well…I knew I couldn’t get to the studio and walk in late so I waited until the class was scheduled to end and still made it down for a visit. For those of you who aren’t really up to date, I kinda have a thing for one of the instructors. For the time being, we’ll call her B. She’s one of the younger instructors although she’s 6 years older than me. She’s lived in Colorado Springs for 3 months now and just got back from spending 2.5 years in Asia teaching Yoga. We connected on our traveling experiences and are growing closer as we discover more that we have in common. Unfortunately, our work schedules are completely the opposite of each other with me working evenings. We’re trying to find time when we can connect outside of the yoga studio and outside of work. She’s a really great woman and I’m finding myself coming up with reasons to see her. Hmm… anyways, while this “thing” is exciting the bad news is, she just signed a 6 month contract to return to Thailand to teach yoga and she’ll be leaving the first week in January. I knew she was planning on relocating for a little it but I didn’t imagine it would be outside of the country again, not that I can really blame her. She told me after the last yoga students of the day’s class left. She was also very quick to invite me to go visit and promised we’d have a blast. I’m not really sure if I’ve got the cash to splurge on a trip to Thailand but we’ll see how I feel by January.

On a different note, work last night was tiresome. I had to mediate a conflict resolution between two patients. One patient allegedly physically assaulted another younger patient and left some fairly intensive bruises. I had to explain to the parents of both parties what had been reported and explain their legal rights. I also had to monitor the police examination and help with the report. It was the first day, I found myself not wanting to be at the hospital. Let’s hope this evening goes much smoother!

Finally, last night was the first snow storm of the season! It snowed 2 inches at my house in Monument. While driving home from work, it was basically white out conditions which were both a shock and a bitch to drive through. The wind was fierce too; trying desperately to push my car off the highway. I love the snow though! The days are so much brighter and exude an energy that just makes you feel happy and uplifted.

Wedding Thoughts and Good Times

After an exciting but long week of work, I finally reunited with several of my friends for a joyous occasion, the marriage of Chris Wheatley and Michelle Nilsen. I’ve been looking forward to this event for a while and can’t believe how quickly it arrived. Thinking back, I still remember when Chris told me he was going to propose. When he told me, I sensed something in him I’ve never seen before. It was happiness so rare and pure that absolutely nothing in the world could ever break it. I saw that same happiness in Michelle when I saw her at the announcement dinner. This summer, I finally left Spokane and returned to my beautiful home state. I haven’t been back to the Pacific Northwest since. It felt good coming back. Friday morning began a little before 5am and I didn’t arrive at the airport terminal until 7:30. David Gaines’ connection was in Denver and we spent the majority of the flight to Portland catching up on life. Once in Portland, my friend Rachel picked us up from the airport and took us to lunch. After lunch, she went back to work and David and I headed to the church to practice music and orient ourselves. I picked Rachel up from work and we both headed to the rehearsal. Dinner was fabulous although a little chaotic and filled with enjoyable stories and great company. After dinner, Rachel and I headed back to her place to grab her debit card and the plan was to rejoin everyone at the hotel for a night at the bar. Well…that didn’t happen because the tunnel we needed to go through to get back to the hotel was closed for cleaning. Yeah, you read that correctly. They were power washing the tiles of the 26 West tunnel around 9pm. Needless to say, Rachel and I never made it back to the hotel. We watched the movie 21 and had wine back at her apartment. I had a little bit too much to drink and I’ll just leave it at that.

Saturday, Chris and the groomsmen were pampered and treated to massages. They were full body massages and I really must add that David had a male masseuse whose name was Roberto. David said it was not really awkward except for the fact that the man was whispering to him. When I heard this, I laughed SO HARD!! Anyways, after the massages, had lunch at the Cheesecake factory and spent the rest of the day relaxing before heading to the church. Pictures were taken before the ceremony and although it was pretty cold, I was told I couldn’t complain because, “the men at least have jackets while the bridesmaids are freezing.” Chris looked pretty slick and Michelle was absolutely gorgeous. The ceremony went quickly and I’ll admit I had to fight back a few tears when I saw Chris cry a little bit. Even more strangely, it was at that point when I accepted the notion that I think I could be ready to think about marriage. This is absolutely not saying that I’m gonna start looking desperately for a woman just to get married but it’s simply saying that the idea isn’t something I’ll immediately dismiss anymore. The reception was a blast and I’m thankful for new friends and FAMILY, especially Kari and Laura – sisters of the bride and groom.

It’s gonna take a lot to top this weekend! Pics to be posted later...

Winter's Coming

Writing this, I’m completely and utterly drained as I spent my weekend in Fort Collins with two of the most amazing people I have in my life right now. I went up for CSU’s Homecoming weekend and got to meet Raine and Carina’s parents. I adore them and had the wonderful opportunity to speak with them about the upward struggle of the career oriented world and gained valuable insight into my own path. The main message I took was that it’s really important that you do something that you find meaning in. In our economy, it’s tempting to look for high salary paying jobs with comprehensive benefit packages but it’s not worth it if you’re not happy. The economy IS SHITTY right now and there’s nothing we can immediately do about it…So do the best with what you’ve got and keep on pushin. In my situation, I don’t get paid as much as someone with a college degree should expect but I do have healthcare, dental, and vision. More importantly I enjoy what I do. I love working with my staff and the patients and I feel like I have a reason to get out of bed each day. I know that I’m making a difference in peoples’ lives and helping them find ways to cope with their insecurities and internal conflicts. I finally see that I’m beginning to be that Change…

It’s an exciting and uplifting transition and I’m beginning to discover perspectives I’ve never seen in myself. I’m happier and I see the world through brighter eyes. I notice more love and compassion in others and it motivates me to be an even MORE compassionate individual in this collective mix of working-class professionals. I think people are viewing me differently as well. I have a title and an institution behind me. I’m a Mental Health Technician and I provide structured treatment to community members who have fallen due to mental illnesses, chemical and substance dependencies, results of traumatic experience, and victims of violence, neglect and abuse. I care for the people who are discarded by society in hopes of healing them back to a point where society will accept them again. I am a healer, a teacher, a caregiver, a lover, a protector, an advocate, a guardian, a foundation, and a peace keeper.

Appropriately, the season is beginning to change here in Colorado. This weekend marked the early signs of the winter to come. Winter is quickly approaching and it’s going to be filled with beauty and awesomeness. Pikes Peak has revealed the season’s first snow on the Front Range. There’s been talk about the mountain towns already getting several feet of snow which means it’s going to be a great season for skiing. The aspen trees are shedding their leaves and displaying luminous variations of yellow and gold. It’s certainly a sight to see. With the season’s change comes an opportunity to change within ourselves. I think it’s going to be a great winter.

New Strides

It’s 1:13am and I wanted to get a quick update out. We had a fairly considerable turnover on the unit with 4 new admits today and 2 more scheduled tonight. The kids are wonderful and it breaks my heart to see some of them leave. It’s good because a lot of them are on the right track and are learning some constructive coping methods but it sucks that I don’t get to see them anymore. We’re doing great things with these children.

A quick update on the Yoga instructor. I got to see her again today and finally got the nerve to ask for her phone number. I got her number and we’re gonna try and see if we can get our schedules to work out so we can spend some time outside of work. Aside from teaching Yoga, she’s also a part-time bartender.

A Fire Ignited

I want more from this life. I’m not content with the status quo and the way things are. I feel like I’m falling back into stagnation and its killing me! I’m a 24 year old man who is living at home with the parents and working a job that I love but doesn’t really pay well enough for my situation to change. Colorado Springs is stifling and I don’t really know anyone around here. Most of my friends are up in Denver and Fort Collins which is all good and well but that means its far and few between when I actually see them. I need more excitement and accomplishment to fill my void.

I was talking on the phone with a friend the other night and we were talking about lighting the world ablaze with our gifts and talents and as I spoke to her, I realized how much I long to do something spectacular. It’s all about small steps and like building a fire, you’ve gotta start small. I get that. I really do! But how long before I can actually get my hands dirty and start doing? Taking the quote from John Lennon that was posted on my friend’s blog, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I feel like life is passing me by and I’m somehow missing it. Where’s the opportunity to be passionate? Where’s the opportunity to use my compassion creatively and constructively? It’s times like these when I question the change in myself spurred from that voyage of the world. If I hadn’t gone, would I be here questioning these things or would I be content with the regular routine?

I guess what I’m really questioning is whether or not I’ve been truly in touch with what I want or need. It kills me to admit this but I’m lonely. I don’t really have a social network here to help me when I’m feeling down or even when I need the social interaction of peers and people my own age. I went up to Denver yesterday to see an old high school friend and observed a budding new relationship developing and I could see from my friend that it was an invigorating and exciting experience. I want to meet new people and experience that for myself. At least in Washington, my friends were either in Spokane or Seattle. They weren’t spread all over. I feel like I’m closing up or that my personality is changing because I don’t have people to surround myself with.

2 Weeks of Training and I'm Set

Well, I survived the first two weeks of orientation and shadowing and it’s been quite the experience. I shadowed on the Child Acute, Residential, Chemical Dependency, Connections, and Adult Units and I’m happy that I got to transfer to the Child Acute Unit. The children are much easier to manage on the Child Acute and there’s a quick turnover rate. Some of the children in the long term units are a handful and I don’t think I possess the necessary patience to deal with some of them. One patient in the Residential Unit had to be put in locked seclusion for two hours and just kept screaming and banging her head against the wall. It was all for attention and when I witness this, I was shocked! The staff said it happens all the time. On the Connections Unit which houses children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I had to step in for two managements which are physical restraints. You wouldn’t believe how strong some of these 8 and 10 year olds are!! It took three of us fairly large staff members to contain the 10 year old. I got a nice kick to the ribs and managed to escape from several bite attempts. Needless to say, no one ever stays at Connections. Overall, the shadowing was a great experience. I found out from the person who makes the schedules that everyone requested me to be transferred to their units. I didn't quite believe this but when I was given my new unit, I was told that I could go anywhere else I wanted to because my performance during orientiation was so great. It's nice to hear things like that.

This month is full of traveling and joyous festivities. Next weekend I’m going up to Fort Collins to participate in the Homecoming Race at CSU and see some friends. The following weekend, I’m off to Portland for a wedding and the weekend after that, my cousin is getting married. Fortunately, I was able to get the weekends off, which isn’t something that will regularly happen. The policy at the hospital is that employees are required to work every other weekend to make things fair. Seems like a reasonable policy to me. It’ll be good to get out and see people. Aside from work, I spend much of my time alone and its kinda a bummer. There aren’t too many people to hang out with in the Springs and the people from work all live in south Colorado Springs which is the opposite of where I live. The rest of my friends live in Denver, Boulder, and Fort Collins which are all at least an hour away.

With my new work schedule, I haven’t been able to make it to Yoga either. The classes I normally go to are in the afternoon and since I’m working 3-11:30, I can’t make them. The morning classes are way too early for me. I get home around 12:15am and the morning classes start anywhere from 6am to 8am. I guess I have to get used to my new schedule.

Change always comes with adjustment.

First Day and a Preferred Unit

What a day!! Today marked the beginning of my first day with Cedar Springs and it was incredible!!! I shadowed in the Child/Adolescent Acute Unit and loved it. There were a total of 16 patients on the unit and by the end of the shift, I had already established rapport with each and every one of them and can even recite their names from memory and a little about each one. The shift started off slowly but picked up rapidly. Beginning of shift report followed by environmental checks and right into patient check in. Patients self rated their emotions and gave indications of their mood, anger, and likelihood of misconduct. Believe it or not, they were very accurate as the evening progressed. Psych-education on coping strategies was presented by the senior MHT and I got a glimpse of what I’d eventually be doing. The patients were exceptionally responsive to me and I have a feeling it’s because I was the only male staff member on duty. I noticed the patients were much more compliant if I asked patients to stand down versus my female counterparts. Dinner and free time followed before visitation hours. No major problem except for one patient was set into a behavior and another one was observed trying to manipulate their parent/guardian. I intervened and prevented an uninformed parent from consenting to additional medication treatment. Patients were sent to bed following visitation hours and I got an inside scoop from some of the other staff members on what to really expect. Although I’ve already been assigned to the Adult Acute Unit, I think I’ll put in a request to stay on the night shift on the Child Acute Unit. There’s something about the kids that I really enjoy.

Already Drained

Whew! What an exhausting past three days. The first two days of orientation were boring but today I was in for a real treat. Today we learned about managements and restraints. Managements are a verbal de-escalation technique and restraints are physical contacts used to prevent individuals from harming themselves or others. While restraints are to be avoided for the obvious reasons, the most important is for the safety of myself!!! The likelihood of getting injured is almost guaranteed to happen if a restraint is used. I heard a horror story about a situation that happened last night and one of the kitchen staff got a nice chunk of skin bitten on her hand. Needless to say, I took the training very seriously and during one of the practices got taken down HARD by the instructor. I got a lovely head butt to the chin and it required 4 people to help me hold down one guy. Can’t wait to see how beat up I get tomorrow!

It’s getting late so I’m gonna wrap up here but wanted to mention that I had a great time tonight at dinner with Katie Bruce in Denver and that I find out tomorrow whether or not I advance on to the next stage of my Teach for America Application :-) Wish me luck!

Day 1

First day of work and I didn’t have any regrets or hesitations. In fact, I’m really looking forward to the new job and I think its gonna be a great opportunity to gain some valuable experience. Cedar Springs is a top notch Psychiatric Hospital with a For-Profit Mission. I know, surprising! This will be my first For-Profit organization I’m working for and it’s an interesting philosophy. The philosophy is geared more towards superior service and customer service. The overall mentality is that patient treatment starts at the door and doesn’t end until our clients have successfully moved on and reintegrated successfully back into society. I can’t wait to jump into my actual job position.

Work aside, I had the pleasure of having a coffee date with Rachel Proctor and it was so great to reconnect with a fellow Gonzaga Alum. We had a chance to talk about her trip to Korea and I updated her on the happenings of my life. I took a break from Yoga ever since the accident and I started up again tonight. My preferred Yoga instructor and I had an opportunity to talk before hand I started getting to know her beyond the studio. She just got back three months ago from teaching Yoga in Asia for the past two and a half years and now she’s trying to find her bearings back in the States. I don’t want to share too much of her personal information here because I don’t really think that would be too appropriate but I will share that I think we’re really connecting. She’s a little older than anyone I’ve ever been interested in but I think I’m willing to look beyond the number of years behind her. We have a lot in common and I’m really interested to see what develops.

On a final note, I'm booking my flight to Flordia for my January vacation and I'm so excited about it!! Turks and Caicos with my baby sister :-)

A World Off Balance

I feel compelled to write and record but my heart just isn’t into it. For those of you who don’t know, a friend of mine passed away on Thursday. He was riding his bike to work and was hit by a dump truck and killed. Collin and I went to school together and I got to know him through the school’s a capella group. The previous post is the perfect articulation of what the Big Bing Theory Family is so I won’t go into it. I just don’t see how any of it makes sense. I’ve heard from several people that it was the Lord’s Plan to take him or that it happened for a reason. I’m sorry but absolutely do not buy into that. I think it’s a load of crap. How is it the Lord’s Plan or what possible explanation is there for such a senseless loss of life? There isn’t. The world is off balance because the positive energy of Collin is lost.

When I received a text message from David, I sensed some urgency but figured it had to do with the plane tickets we were trying to coordinate for Chris and Michelle’s wedding. When he told me of the accident, I reacted in disbelief. I thanked him for passing the news on to me and immediately called Marie Gibbons and Claire McCloy to see how they were doing. I feel the news was still processing. After I got off the phone, I sat at my desk, still in disbelief. It wasn’t until later that evening when it finally got to me. Through my tears, my mother convinced me to reach out to my friends for support and I made the necessary calls I needed to make in order to regain my composure. For those of you who I connected with, I offer my eternal gratitude. I went to sleep last night with grief heavy on my heart.

Collin’s Vigil Service was held at Gonzaga this evening and the funeral service will be next week in Bozeman, MT. For those of you, who follow my postings; please offer a moment for my friend. Also, take the time to reach out to a few people in your life and let them know how important they are. They could be people you’ve lost touch with or people far away. Just let them know that they’re loved and appreciated.

A Tribute to Collin Keck

Dear BBT Family:It is with mixed emotions that I address you this evening. Joy and excitement for the new members to our family. Yet sorrow and a sense of loss at the news of one of our own, Collin Keck. As I attempt to gather my thoughts for a second time (I tried sending a typical "Brock" epic e-mail earlier but it crashed and I lost it), I'm brought back to the theme of family.

We are a family, those of you who are new have probably witnessed this fact already. We share our lives with each other, share our hopes, our dreams. We form relationships and commit to each other. We laugh, cry, eat (and eat), talk, travel, listen, stay up, sleep, fight, argue, run, walk, offend, and forgive (some of us offending more than others, sorry to all of you who suffered through my dictatorship!). We sing our hearts out, we support each other, we form relationships, we mess up relationships, we knock each other down and pick each other up. We know each other in ways that only a family member truly can. You are each a part of the family. It is our family, yours and mine, protect it, cherish it, love it, and spread that love to one another.

The group changes each year. Each of us brings something individual and unique. When one member leaves the group, they are never replaced, they can't be, but a new member comes in and the group transforms, the family grows. Nobody ever leaves this family and all of us, past BBT and present, are bound together in a way that can not be undone. Collin is a part of our family. I never was blessed with the opportunity to sing with Collin during his time in BBT. I graduated (with his brother) prior to his joining the group. Likewise, I never was able to spend much time with him. I was able to meet and talk with him on a couple of occasions. However, it didn't take long to see the type of young man that Collin was. He laughed, he loved, he lived. It took only a moment of watching those of you around him to see how he touched each of your lives. His memory will live on in each of us, in each of you, for we all shared in being a part of something greater than ourselves. Collin shared himself with us, we now must share Collin with the world.

Tragedy, especially unexptected tragedy, has a way of sticking with us. It is hard to come to grips with what happened, it may be even more difficult when contemplating why. While Collin is no longer physicaly present with us, his soul will live on, a soul that crossed our paths. The Lord works in mysterious ways and in Him we find peace. As a family we are here for each other. We can support each other and be open with each other. Sorrow and grief, sadness and lack of comprehension are all a part of the healing process. Our family, the BBT family, is here for each of you now, and will be here for each of us always. The memories made, the experiences shared, they are a part of us, they will be forever. Collin was a wonderful young man, and he is with us. In our thoughts, in our prayers, in our consolations to each other.

I don't want to end on too serious of a note, but I want to thank each and every one of you for being in the Family. You are BBT and I love each and every one of you. Should you need anything don't hesitate to ask. On that note, per David's e-mail the funeral will likely be in Bozeman. I just happen to live in Bozeman! Thus, should anybody need me to help them line up a place to stay or need a ride to/from the airport, let me know. its what family does for each other.

I ask that you each keep Collin, his parents, brother, friends and family in your prayers through this time. Know that you are all in mine.

God be with you and BBT love,

Brock Athman

BBT '00-'05Director '02-'05

Finally...Some Fresh Air

“I feel like you’ve made tons of life changing decisions in the past two weeks.” Thanks Raine for pointing that out =) It’s true, just when I was idling in stagnation, I managed to find myself in a complete freefall into the unknown! My last posting painted some broad strokes on my life’s canvass and within just a week or so; I’ve turned a rough outline into a picture with some major potential.

I’ve got a different job now! Not only is it NOT promoting materialism, it’s incorporating my psychology education by allowing me to share my gifts and energy with others. This past Monday, I accepted a position with Colorado Springs’ Psychiatric Hospital, Cedar Springs. I’m now a Mental Health Technician assigned to the evening adult acute care unit. I’ll be assisting in the direct care and management of adolescents and adults, as determined by the Treatment Plan, Program Structure, and presenting issues/behaviors of the patients, residents, and students. I’ll be providing continual supervision, safety, crisis management, and therapeutic interventions as well as assisting with implementing the program structure and the safe delivery of care to promote wellness of the individual clients.

In addition to the direction in the working realm of my life, my yoga practices are steadily advancing. Tonight, I was invited by one of my instructors to attend her advanced class. I’ve been going now for nearly 3 weeks and I’ve been increasing the number of classes I attend weekly. For those of you who don’t know, I’m the handyman for both Yoga studios in Colorado Springs. Instead of a paycheck, I’ve opted for free Yoga. It’s kind of a part time job but I work my own hours and I’m needed maybe once a week for very small tasks. I love it!!

Something New!

So I found a job…the only thing is I’m not too excited about it. It’s really not the type of job I’m interested in but I do realize that it’ll help pay the bills and keep me afloat for the moment. Please try not to laugh out loud. Say hello to the newest BP Woman’s Shoes Salesman for Nordstrom. Before you say anything, don’t even bother. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve temporarily sold out and instead of resisting materialism; I’m now actively promoting it. Believe me, this isn’t something I’m overjoyed for. In my defense, I’ve applied to literally more jobs than anyone should have to apply for in a lifetime and it gets kind of discouraging. Eventually, you can’t be so picky as long as you know that it’s something necessary for the present moment. And while the present doesn’t look so great, I look to the future with blissful anticipation.

In October, I get the privilege of supporting two of my closest friends as they join together in marriage. I’m a groomsman for Chris Wheatley and Michelle Nilsen’s Wedding in Portland, OR. The following weekend, I’m celebrating as my cousin Susan, joins families with a great guy named Simon. November brings me to Georgia to attend a long time friend’s wedding reception. My friend recently got married in the Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean! The next trip is coincidentally destined to the Turks and Caicos followed by an immediate relocation to Illinois. 9 weeks of Naval Officer Training as I begin a number of years serving in the Naval Reserve.

After that, who knows what’s in store for me…

So About That…

If you’re reading this, you should know that I’m kinda a big deal. You might be wondering what has gotten into me to make such a blunt and almost cocky statement. Well, here’s the reason why…I’ve come to the realization that I’m human. Not only am I human, but more specifically, I’m Jeremy Boedigheimer, a young man who is engulfed in a passion not only to change the world but to be that change. As I strive to release compassion and love into the world, I discover the world transforming me. Self-reflection has revealed many impurities in me but also the treasures that reside within my soul.

Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I’ve earned one more year of life experience and I’m ready to face and accept the new challenges and opportunities that lie ahead. To accomplish this, I need a solid grasp of my foundation and the ability to balance what life throws my way. Incorporating Yoga into my life is really helping me do this. Instead of stressing where my next paycheck comes from or how I’m going to make ends meet, I’m learning to patiently relax. With that said, I would like to share with you some of the major life decisions I’ve been considering…

While traveling is one of the most important passions in my life, I’m going to divert my energy towards focusing on getting my feet off the ground. I need to hone in on my professional skills and begin to create a future for me. That is why I’ve decided to join the military service as a Reserve Officer. Committing up to six years of service will provide me with the technical skills to actively engage in the civilian world by providing a means to pursuing a graduate education as well as further developing my leadership potential. I’m also applying to Teach for America. I see quality education as the key towards making a positive impact on not only our American culture but on the rest of the world.

With my life seemingly in a stagnant state, I wanted to do something to reinvigorate myself and make life a little more goal oriented. I had the pleasure of driving my friend Trish to Fort Collins yesterday and one of the topics of conversation touched upon what I want to do. I slightest inkling and had to truthfully reply, I don’t know anymore. She replied by saying SAS ruined us for life. Later on that night when I got back home I started thinking about that conversation. Is it true? Do I really not know what I want to do anymore? If that’s the case, why? Have I been turned down from so many jobs that I’ve given up? Have I slipped back into the American Reality? These are all frightening questions! So in response, I took some time today to reinvent myself. I actually started earning my Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TELF) Certificate and should be finished by the end of September. I also made a list of personal goals that I’d like to align with:

1. Running – I guess I should clarify this one… Back when I lived in Spokane, WA a friend that I’ll call Cortimus Maximus for comic’s sake challenged me in the upcoming race in May 2009. The race is called Bloomsday and it’s a 12k road race. For those of you who know me well, you know that I’ve completed a timed half marathon and just recently completed the Pikes Peak Descent route un-timed. My competitive debut will happen on CSU’s homecoming 5k race and I’ll be building up from there. I’m also occasionally volunteer assistant coaching my old cross country team from high school.

2. Language – I want to be intermediate in Spanish by the end of December. I’ve got a program called Rosetta Stone and a few friends who are fluent who promised to help.

3. Photography – I think I’m going to focus on Black and White photography. I really admire how the reduction of color instantly emphasizes emption.

4. Physical Activity – I’ve spent some time this afternoon researching clubs and organizations that I can get involved with to get me moving. Tomorrow I’m gonna try a series of Yoga classes. I also found the National Strength and Conditioning Association as well as a number of swing and hip hop classes.

Without being attached to a class schedule, I figure it’s about time for me to engage in some of the activities that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. We’ll see how it goes!

I apologize to my avid readers for taking so long to post. It’s been a rollercoaster lately. First thing…Nothing new with the job searches. I’m getting sick of reformatting resumes and cover letters, although I’m getting pretty quick at it. I’ve currently got 9 applications out and I’m waiting to hear back from 9 of them. They’re all in Colorado, Denver primarily but I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t be so picky in where I want a job. Maybe that’s my biggest problem! To be perfectly honest, I don’t want to head out to the East coast. It’s just not for me. I wanna work to live and not live to work. Please don’t take offence if you’re from there, I’m just West coast at heart. And I realize that even though I claim to be West coast, being from Colorado makes it a little difficult to up and move to California. Even though there may be some pretty rad people there, I’m not so sure I can sell out and become a Californian. So the search will continue… If any of you have any leads, PLEASE pass them along. I like to think that we’re all in this together and that we’ll look out for each other, even if it is just a job.

With that out of the way, I wanna recommend a book I recently finished reading, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It’s an amazing book and it was recommended by Trish. It talks about following your Personal Legend and connecting with the Soul of the World. In fact it was the perfect book for me because I found myself starting to doubt my drive to make a difference in the world. It brought up some amazingly inspiring points. Take my desire to change the world for example, “When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it.” That’s really motivating considering sometimes I feel like I’m at odds with the economy and the fact that I really don’t seem to have much job experience. I guess its easier knowing, “The closer one gets to realizing his Personal Legend, the more that Personal Legend becomes his true reason for being.” It has definitely been uplifting and it seemed to be a book I picked up at the perfect time.

Speaking of perfect time, I recently reconnected with some invaluable friends this last weekend. Laura and Eddie flew in for the weekend and I went up to Denver to see them. I also got to see Dave and Perry which was an added bonus! It got me reminiscent of the good times when we weren’t worried about finding jobs. Instead, we were enjoying life. I see life as the moment we’re living right now, and at that moment, we were sailing around the world on a ship. We were thrust into the world and returned seasoned citizens of the world. I also realized something…it’s one thing to remain friends among such great distances but it’s another to physically see them and bask in their presence. There’s nothing like a hug and a smile to remind you just how much you really miss that person. I can’t wait for January when I get to see my favorites again!

Turks and Caicos Islands baby!!

What a Downer...

Well I found out that I didn't get the position at Regis... I don't know how anyone expectes this generation to contribute to society if we're never given the chance. It's always the same story, you don't have enough education or you don't have enough work experience. How the fuck are we supposed to get more education if colleges are looking for life experience? How the fuck are we supposed to get jobs if we don't have the initial work experience in the first place? We're basically set up for failure. I can't even count how many of my friends with college degrees are balancing a number of hourly paid jobs. They're working themselves to death without getting anything out of it. Working nearly two full time jobs just to pay off our student loans and other bills we've accumulated along the way.

I'm just fed up with it! Something's gotta change...

As of Friday evening, I was expecting to rejoice in a new career at Regis University. Unfortunately, when the Dean called, I didn’t get the news I was hoping for. There were no congratulations, or job offers. In fact, there wasn’t even an apologetic “nice try, but we filled the position with someone more qualified.” No, it was an alternative between the best and worst possible answer. “You’re one of the top three candidates applying for the position and we’ll be making a final decision over the weekend.” I’m supposed to hear back whether I got the position or not on Monday. That leaves the ENTIRE WEEKEND for me to stress about why or why not I’ll get the offer. Am I too young? Will I have enough work experience? Are they worried that I won’t commit for too long? Do they really think I’m cut out for this type of work? Will I work well with the staff? Will parents see me as a credible representation of the university? These are all concerns running through my head.

I’ve done as much as I could to keep my mind distracted this weekend. I went up to Denver to see a visiting friend from Massachusetts who happened to be in town for her uncle’s wedding. I also reconnected with a fellow F’06er whom I did not know lived in Denver. In fact, we’re going to have lunch tomorrow afternoon. Tonight, I went to the Springs to hang out with an old friend from high school. I also hiked the initial Incline of Pikes Peak and completed the entire incline and switchback down in 1:04. The funny part…it took me 44 minutes to make it to the top of a 2.5 mile straight vertical while only 20 minutes to make it down 3.5 miles worth of switchbacks. Even though all of this helped ease the tension, as I sit here now contemplating on the reason for my distractions, I still realize that tomorrow determines whether or not I’m going to continue feeling like a failure without a job or a place of my own. I guess I’m equating employment as a means of achievement. It’s not just a paycheck but a means of direction. With steady employment, I’ll be able to move into my own place, pay my bills and start saving for the future. I’ll be able to continue living the dream by traveling periodically and seeing those people I traveled the world with. I’ll be able to go back to the city I’m actually still not missing and see all of the people I left behind in Spokane.

I guess it all comes down to this…please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers so I may start the week and month on a high note.

Namasté

Companionship on a Lifelong Journey

Have you ever stopped to wonder whether you’re connected on a higher level with someone meaningful in your life? I’m not talking about close friendships but rather a connection on an entirely deeper and more spiritual level. I think we are. I see those individuals as companions traveling with us through this life’s journey. They are our SOUL MATES. They are the people connected to our life’s energy. Whenever your heart cries out in pain or despair, they respond with comfort and love. Their timing couldn’t be more perfect! They are the balance in your universe and the foundation which you build upon. The reason I bring this up is because of someone I consider a soul mate. We’ve been companions for a while. And even though our pathways separated at one point, they’ve reunited.

As many of you probably don’t know, I recently quit my job as Assistant Director for Environment Colorado. My talents and gifts were being wasted on efforts that weren’t bringing light into the world. Frustration, anger, annoyance, impatience, discontent and uselessness were all feelings that manifest themselves. After reevaluating my situation and battling the beginning signs of hopelessness, I decided to apply to be an Admissions Counselor for Regis University. It seems like it could be a good fit for me and I feel like it will help point me in the right direction. I had my interview this morning and it seemed to go well until the very end where the Dean was wrapping everything up. He brought up a point in response to an answer to a question he posed to me earlier in the day. He lingered on that point for some time which left me feeling uneasy and unsure. On the drive home, I couldn’t help but feel like I blew it. The rest of the day felt emotionless and stale.

It wasn’t until the evening when my person called and reassured me that things are going work out. She said we’re different because we have the energy and potential to do something great in order to change the world. It just takes patience and time. This is really what I needed to hear. She sensed the chaos in my life and restored balance. Little did she know that I was planning on calling her later because I needed to connect. One of the greatest parts of life is the people we meet and the way they complement who we are. I’m grateful for the significant friends who take the time to add meaning and insight into this journey.

To my soul mates, thanks for the comfort and love.

PLAYTIME

I can’t even believe how quickly this week is passing by. It seems like life is on the fast track to nowhere and strangely, I’m holding on. On Tuesday, I reconnected with a long lost close friend. We went to church together in high school and then both attend college in Spokane, WA. She graduated a year ahead of me and headed to the east coast for some volunteer work and ended up staying there. She seems very content and I’m happy for her. It’s been quite some time since we caught up and it was a delightful interruption from the monotony of my current situation.

Yesterday, I only work a half day before heading home to relax. I spent some time trying to reorganize my life…or at least the room I’m living in. It was nice doing something for me. I’ve been so swamped with work and the long hours that I haven’t really had any me time lately. I also go on the web and did some research for both grad school and potential other employment opportunities. I got really excited when I found information on Regis University. It’s about one third the size of Gonzaga in regards to undergraduate students and its Mission is very focused on service towards the immediate community. I really like that! I feel like I’ll be much happier ‘there’ rather than ‘here.’ Only two more days this week and I’m free!

I’m heading back up to Fort Collins this weekend and I’m pretty stoked about it! I’m picking up Jenna on the way and we’ll stay until Saturday afternoon. It’ll probably be a night in Old Town followed by a late morning/early afternoon of wine and homemade sushi!! Hooray Sushi Saturday…(Obviously not a substitute for my fellow Sushi partners in crime back in Spokane). After I drop Jenna back off in Denver, I’m shootin over towards Boulder for the night to see an old friend from high school. Not only did we both graduate from Lewis-Palmer High School, we also worked together as lifeguards and swim instructors. It’s gonna be a GREAT WEEKEND!!!

Just on a random side note…I’m planning on boycotting the Olympics for certain political reasons and I was wondering if any of you were planning on doing the same. Are you hosting alternative events addressing the injustices of the Chinese influence not only in China but Tibet and Burma? If you are, leave a comment with your plans!

Welcome to Colorado

Feeling like DEATH the past 16 hours, there’s been nothing but throbbing and pounding inside my head. Unmanageable pain and discomfort tore through my dreams and continually disrupted my sleep. Waking several times throughout the night disoriented, my body screamed to purge the illness that plagued me. Unfortunately, in a universe that requires absolute balance, everything great comes with a cost.

As I settle into this new place with new goals I find myself tackling a little bit too much a little too quickly. Living a healthier lifestyle, reading more, learning a new language, reconnecting with old friends, finding lasting value in new friends, defining who I am, reestablishing my running, hiking more mountains, and assessing my spirituality are accomplishments I’m striving to see into fruition. Unfortunately, I’m bound by conditions that prevent me from doing everything at once. Change demands time and patience. My time here has been short and my patience is about as effective as the attention span of a new puppy.

Yesterday I spent approximately 8 hours with two of my best friends trying to climb Pikes Peak. Within our 8-hour hike, we experienced a 4,065 ft. elevation chnge in less than 16 miles. Needless to say, I became affected by a moderately severe case of altitude sickness. Being in Colorado for less than 2 weeks, I should have known better than to try to tackle a mountain without giving myself at least another week to acclimatize to the high elevations. Illness aside, I learned that I could turn back without feeling like a failure. I also learned that people out in the world have the ability to motivate better than anything else I’ve ever seen. I can’t even recall how many people I saw training for the Pikes Peak Descent Race. I saw incredible athletes who weren’t wasting their time in the gym but rather enjoying the outdoors while make monumental progress towards their OWN personal goals! I-N-S-P-I-R-A-T-I-O-N!!! I saw something in Americans that I haven’t taken notice of in quite some time, that is the approachability and friendliness that I witnessed in other countries. It was nice making a friendly greeting and having the same gesture returned.

It's nice being back in Colorado!

Still Searching for Direction

So I’ve moved out to Colorado Springs for a job that I’m finding isn’t really what I was expecting. I’m involved in environmental advocacy which is a GREAT thing to be involved with, however it’s difficult canvassing and putting in nearly 80 hours of work each week. I’ve only been here for about a week and I’m already feeling bogged down and worn out. Moving back to the Springs, I feel like I’m in a completely different place. I’ve transformed into a different person and this place hasn’t. I’m more progressive and liberal than the city. The truth is, I haven’t really interacted with the Springs since high school. Obviously, I’ve returned periodically for breaks during school but I was never really actively engaged in the politics or the overall feel of the city. I feel frustrated! I feel as though I’ve come to another pathway that isn’t necessarily the one I should be following. I want to move to move to Denver or Fort Collins. Denver primarily because it’s a bustling city and it’s the primary access point to hiking, camping, skiing, and it’s close to my friends in Fort Collins. On the other hand, Fort Collins is a town that fits my personality. It’s laid back and chill. It’s environmentally conscious and outdoor oriented. The younger mentality of the college town just screams innovation and creativity. I definitely need innovation and creativity in my life. I wanna do something that matters.

On a side note, I spent the weekend up in Fort Collins with Raine, Carina, and Megan and had a blast! I always love reconnecting with Raine and I feel as though I’m becoming closer to Carina and Megan. As Raine said, we can be “real” friends now. It’s nice to look forward to something constant. A dear friend of mine once said that as voids open up, the universe longs to fill to it. My void was the absence of my friends back in Spokane. Most especially my cherished friend Amy. Amy was my person the last 6 months or so. She made leaving Spokane so difficult by making my final days so meaningful.

Overwhelmed

I’m so utterly worn and weathered from my parents and their incessant need to direct my life. It’s my Fucking life! If it’s not which college to go to, it’s whether or not I should go on a semester abroad. If it’s not what job I’m doing, it’s whether or not I make enough money. Why the service field or nonprofit route? There’s no money there. I’m not living their lives. I understand that their experiences direct their values but the same applies to me. I value making a difference in the world and if that requires living a life in mediocrity than I gladly accept. Money and materialism are not what rule MY LIFE. My experiences and the life I live tell my story. I live in a different generation and I wish they would get that.

I wanna be the change I wish to see in the world. I wanna live the dream. I want to count. I want to mean something and I want every bit of my inner being to make a difference. There is a void in my life that I’m longing to fill and the universe is trying to help me fill that dark hole. I need to break free and let the course of my life take shape on its own.

A New Beginning

As one door closes, another one always opens. I haven’t really had time to reflect on this but I think it’s a lesson I should reevaluate. Things have been so intense since the passing away of my grandmother. I remember coming back from Chicago and not really knowing how to resume the transition I’ve been caught up in since graduation. My AmeriCorps year was coming to a close and I still didn’t have a job lined up. I also had to prepare to move from the Desmet house and try to deal with the grief. Sensing my frustration, my grandmother passed along her grace to help me find my peace. In a dream, she appeared and told me that everything would work out and that I should trust that the fruits of my labor would be rewarded. I woke with a strange calmness that I haven’t felt for awhile. I was offered a position with Progressive Future a few days later. I accepted and felt such a sensation of clarity. It’s like the struggle to find direction finally came to fruition and I was freed to focus on other unresolved pursuits.

With income and the ability to financially support myself, I’m now able to focus on the other voids that haunt me. Spirituality, creativity, health and fitness, and the defining of the man I’m destined to become. There’s so much out there…