Late Night Thoughts of Transformation

Wow! What an evening :-/ I've been thinking lately how discontent I've been lately with my current situation. I'm so caught up in the grind that I haven't had a chance to stop and see how bored and unfulfilled I really am. Everyday it's the same routine: wake up, get some studying done, gym, work at a job where I'm underpaid and under appreciated, gym, waste time, and bed. It's a really boring routine and it's really not that exciting. I had a wonderful phone conversation with someone I really respect and connect with and we came to the same conclusion that we're having a quarter-life crisis. Somewhere we went wrong and because of our incessant dedication to our "careers" we've somehow missed out. I've got so many friends who are making huge life decisions like getting married, buying houses, and having kids. What have I go to show for? I've got a BA in Psychology and a job that isn't inspiring.

When I first began working at Cedar Springs, I thought I could find the smallest chance of helping someone. I wanted to be a positive influence in the lives of my kids. Now, rarely a day goes by where I'm not physically restraining a little punk who wants to engage in a pointless power-struggle. Sure, most of the kids come from environments that do not foster their growth and development. In fact, I blame many of the parents for the learned behaviors of their children. That doesn't change the fact that I'm not really getting through to them. I'm a glorified babysitter. That's not really something I'm proud of. I feel like the hospital is draining the positive energy out of me. I need to escape and find something more meaningful. I see that change in myself that I so desperately want to see in the world fading away. It's time to find a different avenue of creativity and enlightenment.

I'm seriously considering setting sail and going overseas to Teach English as a Foreign Language. Why not? I'm certified and I have plenty of friends who could help me draw up lesson plans. Overseas, I could easily find work teaching, while maintaining my pursuit of a graduate degree. I'm currently reading this book by Chuck Thompson, called Smile When You're Lying-Confessions of a Rogue Travel Writer. The more I read, the more I want to be somewhere exotic. I want to be one of the people, other people write about. I want to be so well versed in foreign travel that it's more familiar to me than the grind. I've got so many friends who graduated from Gonzaga who appear to be doing well. They've got great jobs with competitive benefits and they seem to be doing it right, whatever IT is.

It's time to take a stand. With the New Year approaching quickly, I want to formulate a different approach. The "American" way of doing things doesn't seem to be working out for me. I'm gonna try and figure out how to take my destiny in my own hands and re-become that change I want to see in the world. If I continue in my current situation, the remaining optimism in me will continue to fade. Pessimism and distaste will permeate into my soul and I'll live a life wishing I had done more.

Merry Christmas!

I feel like I just wrote my Christmas newsletter for last year and I can’t believe how quickly this year passed by! Like last year, I joined my friends on the annual Semester at Sea Reunion cruise. We went to the Turks and Caicos Islands. Before I left though, I had the unfortunate experience of being severely assaulted by one of my patients. I won’t get into details but I ended up in the hospital and my patient was taken into police custody. The hospital suggested I take time off but I refused, knowing I was going on vacation in a few days. I couldn’t let my little ones think I was really hurt, so I returned the next day with a slightly swollen eye. Only two more days of work then off to the Caribbean! One of my best friends – Raine and I got to Miami where the ship was docked and waited for others to arrive.

Needless to say, the night turned into the late morning and it was fabulous reconnecting with people I had not seen in a few years. Once on the ship, we made our way to the cabins to drop off our belongings. My sister, Renee came along this year as a guest and really ended up enjoying herself. Unfortunately, I haven’t convinced her to take the plunge and commit one semester of her college career towards living in the world. Maybe some of you who know her will have to help convince her! Being back on the ship was amazing and Turks and Caicos was fun too. Unfortunately due to the recent hurricane, much of the island was severely damaged. The experience was pretty much a beach party with many of my favorites. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t any culture shock or anything too exciting like last year’s excursion to the Mayan Ruins. Below is a picture of Team DJ…you know who you are :-)

Back to reality, I continued to work at Cedar Springs Hospital full time. During the summer semester, I took two courses at Pikes Peak Community College: Biology and a hip-hop dance course. I really enjoyed both classes. The biology course was one of the prerequisites for a nursing program and the dance class was for my own entertainment. I did well in my science class and even better in Hip-Hop. In fact, I performed so well, that my dance instructor asked me to perform with his crew at various venues in Colorado Springs. My participation didn’t last long as my time commitment to work increased. There were a few weeks when I was working over 60 hours at the hospital. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I took some much needed time off to head up north for Tour de Fat, hosted by New Belgium Brewery.

Tour de Fat was a blast and I celebrated my birthday soon afterwards. My girls came down to the Springs to help me celebrate and it was night to ...I guess not remember as I can't really remember much of what happened that night! Regardless, I'm so glad to have friends that will make the drive to spend time with me. By this point in the year, I had moved out of the parent's house and into my own apartment. My parents moved to San Antonio, TX for a new job and they seem really happy there. My sister moved back to Fort Collins and will finish this school year out before she decides to move to the Springs or to Texas so my parents can help her with her soon-to-be-born baby. It was my intentions to continue taking prerequisite courses for Nursing School this fall but I dropped the classes due to the stress and time commitment. Instead, I'm currently pursuing my MBA in Healthcare Administration and I'm really enjoying it!

Right now, my parents and sister are staying with me for the holiday season. They'll both be leaving tomorrow and I'll have my apartment back to myself. It was nice having them but I'm getting ready to get back into my regular routine. My apartment is a little too cramped for 4 people! I'll miss them all but I know we'll keep in touch :-) Stay tuned for a New Year's post!

Looking Back

Over the past three or four weeks, I’ve really been bogged down with the overwhelming sensation of immobility. I’ve realized that my drive and passion to help the kids I work with has slowly committed suicide and only been replaced with the monotonous repetition of a regular routine. At work, I run the same schedule day after day: room time, check-in, psych-ed, dinner, visitation, wrap up, and bed time. I’m tired of breaking up fights, being yelled at and cursed, and assaulted. I signed up to make a difference but lately, all I am is the campus enforcer. I earned stellar reviews on my annual performance review and learned I am extremely efficient at completing detailed clinical documentation and, I have “superior and dynamic leadership abilities,” which only means I’m more likely to get pulled to other units. The lovely CEO has capped the annual raise at 2%...which translates to a raise of 0.21 cents per hour or $1.68 more per shift. I’m glad to know that my efficiency and leadership is so highly valued.

I’ve been working so much and I feel like none of its paying off. I dropped this semester’s classes in a desperate attempt to earn enough to pay rent. I couldn’t handle working 50-60 hours a week AND succeed in Human Anatomy and Physiology. The sad part…I need A&P to get out of this crappy situation. I also want to get the hell out of the Springs. I realize I grew up here and I really value the experiences I had but it’s time to move to Denver. I’ve been looking for jobs and truly believe that Colorado Springs is incapable of providing young and eager individuals with the necessary upward mobility to succeed. The ONLY thing keeping me from spiraling into lunacy is the regular trips to Denver and the good times shared with my friends there. My three best friends in Colorado all live in Denver now which makes it easier for us to gather more frequently. Another very close friend just moved out from California and it’s been unbelievable seeing her here in Colorado. The other night, I actually “introduced” myself and asked if we could be real life friends. She laughed at me. There’s so many people I know, not to mention when I finally get my act together and get the pre-reqs finished, I’d like to go to CU-Denver. Denver is just a classier, younger and more exciting city than the Springs. I need that excitement and social structure RIGHT NOW!

Jeremy’s Birthday Bash

Just wanted to leave a quick note on the epic journey of my birthday weekend… Last Friday marked my quarter of a century celebration and I must admit, it was by far the best birthday I’ve had thus far. My best friends from Colorado came down to the Springs and we started the party off right. Shots of Tequila baby! Actually, we kicked off the celebration at Red Robin. Eric and Kate from work came out for dinner joined by Brittney, Jenna, Annie, Raine, and my sister. It was so much fun seeing my best friends in Colorado finally get to meet some of the amazing people I work with on a regular basis. Eric, Kate, and Brittney weren’t able to come out that night but the rest of us certainly had a grand time. Back to my place for drinks and cake and then off to the bars. We hit up Blondie’s and the Thirsty Parrot. Tanja, from work joined us and was kind enough to drive us all home. The next day we hauled ass up to Fort Collins for Tour de Fat where we met up with my friend Nate from work. Sadly, we missed the bike parade but still had a blast. Nasty quantities of PBR were consumed and several games of beer pong were played. My sister had a BBQ at her new house and of course, we tore up the city at night. Lucky Joe’s was the place to be where we enjoyed live music and watched MelAnie (aka Annie) get made fun of by the performer. “You should call her Melanie as in Melatonin” Next it was the Vault and then a quick trip to Steakout where the bouncer who is and always will be a DB. TNBS upheld the tradition of Thursday night bomb shots although it was no longer Thursday. We ended the evening back at Raine’s brother’s house and all passed out. Unfortunately, I had to be at work by 11 the next day, so needless to say…I didn’t get much sleep. I had a wonderful time and am so thankful for the friends who where able to celebrate with me.

On a different note, I’m back to classes this week and I think I’m over my pity party. Last week, I was seriously questioning my abilities and wondered if PA school was the right thing for me. After several whiney conversations with my parents and a few motivational speeches from my friends, I’m re-dedicated to pushing on and making the sacrifice to get through all of these science classes to accomplish my goal. One of my very close friends, Jenn is moving out here and I think her presence will help keep me on track, as she is also going along a similar road to become a nurse. She’s moving out here within the week and I’m so extremely excited to have her so close so we can be real life friends. I met her through Semester at Sea and it’s only one more reason that studying abroad was one of the best decisions of my life. In October, I’ll hopefully be heading to a wedding to see one of my best friends from college get married to one of the raddest dudes I know. It’s the first weekend in October and it’ll be nice to see many old college friends.

I’m really looking forward to this semester now. At first, I wasn’t but I think this weekend really refreshed me. It’s been several weeks since my friend passed on and I was really at a low point but now I’m back on my two feet, ready to take on the world!

Life's Lesson from Death

Today begins my new work schedule and it’s been a horrible day. I just learned that a friend of mine at work was taken off life support early this morning. The night before, he collapsed in the presence of his family and was rushed to the hospital. Less than a full month ago, my friend discovered he had an extremely rare form of cancer that had aggressively and swiftly metastasized throughout his body. Jason was someone who I’ve worked with for a year now and unlike many others, he wasn’t working with our kids for the money. He was doing it to make a difference in the lives of those we serve. We completely believed that we have the opportunity to help change the course of our patients’ behaviors so that they may live better and more fulfilling lives without being hindered by their diagnoses. The world is truly a lesser place in his absence. Sadly, traumatic and devastating events such as this are revealing in a truly remarkable way. They teach us that we have to be better and make a more concentrated effort to make a difference in the world. When we lose compassionate individuals, it is our responsibility to step up to the plate and make an even bigger difference than we already are. Last night at work was the worst night I’ve had in my entire year of employment at the hospital. I was ready to throw in the towel and even went as far as to compose my letter of resignation. I now clearly see that is not a possibility. I need to stick with it not only to support my staff and friends but because we need to send a clear message to our patients to continue the struggle, no matter what life throws at us. We can’t let horrible events bring us down.

As we stumble through life, it is important to realize that the reason we fall is to that we can learn to pick ourselves back up.

I'm on a Mountain, Don't You Ever Forget!

Finally…A day off from all the craziness that tends to engulf itself in my everyday routine! A certain patient returned from a short “vacation” to another facility and I realize that it’s not that I can’t work with this specific child; it’s that I don’t WANT to. This kid ranks the highest on my hit list. I’m talking about killing the kid; I’m talking about how many times he’s landed a definitive hit on me; whether by punching, kicking, or stabbing me. There’s only so much the body can take. The overall reaction by my staff was “Oh fuck, what else can I do with my life that will promote rather than discourage my safety and wellbeing.” I fully intend to use today as a day to reevaluate whether or not I’m going to stay at the hospital. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’ve been nearly flying solo with a group of shitty kids this past weekend.

With Colorado’s summer in full force (not counting the fact that we set a record low “high” at 48 degrees sometime last week) I’m really excited to take advantage of Colorado’s landscape. After a mandatory meeting at work (yes, it’s my day off) I’ll head to the Pikes Peak incline and ideally make it up before the weather gets stormy or the sun goes down. It’s a breezy 81 degrees and I’m stoked to soak up the sun. I’ll probably hit up the gym afterwards and then take a nap before friends come over for a movie night. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie Wanted, I recommend it. I’ve never been a firm believer in the idea that movies make people homicidal but this movie certainly gets the adrenaline pumping.

School starts next week and my only regret is not having more time for myself. I wish I could have visited friends across the country. Watching as friends in the Pacific Northwest post pictures from their escapades on the lakes or cabins and seeing them enjoy themselves at wineries sometimes causes me to miss the years I spent there. In the foreseeable future, I’ll get to reunite with my Colorado girls during my birthday and then zip line up to Fort Collins for Tour de Fat. God bless whoever came up with New Belgium (Fat Tire).

On a closing note, I can proudly boast that I was the owner of two dogs for a day. At the animal shelter, I fell in love with the cutest puppy I’ve seen in a while. They called him Duckey although I called him Murphy. I adopted him in an effort to prevent them from putting him to sleep. Sadly after 24 hours, I quickly realized that I was allergic to the little guy and had to return him. Thankfully, the staff was very warm and reassuring. They said that because he was adopted, it greatly extended the time before they would have to reconsider whether or not he would be put to sleep. They further explained that the weekend was their annual adopt-a-thon and people were lining up by the hundreds to adopt new animals. (There seriously was a line nearly around the building of people and their children waiting to take a new companion home.) It made parting with the pup just that much easier although I’ll admit I became very attached within the first 24 hours.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week!

LOVE My Weekend

What a weekend! Whew…Now that I feel like I have a moment to breathe. This weekend has really flown by. I got my paper and presentation done and I’m going into this final week of school with great anticipation. I can’t wait to finish classes and have nothing left but a few weeks of down time before the start of another grueling semester. After this week, I’ll be one semester closer to accomplishing my career objectives. It’s about 40 minutes before my first class of the week and I wanted to take some time to refocus.

Last night was pretty intense. I had a blow out with a friend from work and after an entire shift and several conversations, we finally worked things out. The biggest problem was the miscommunication and misperception from our respective viewpoints. I overreacted about my friend running her mouth and she didn’t really understand that some of the things she was saying in front of others were things I really didn’t want shared with our other friends. We hashed it out and I think things will be fine now. I also found contraband on my unit and it really frustrated me because things aren’t supposed to happen on my watch. While performing room safety checks, I found things that the kids were definitely NOT supposed to have. Needless to say, I tore the room apart and confiscated everything they should not have had. I passed on the information to the next following shifts and we’ll be cracking down so tight, I doubt this group of kids will try anything else while they’re on the unit. I don’t think they understand how vital their safety is to the staff.

This weekend was a great time to catch up with friends I haven’t spoken to in a while. I called Steph and we talked about whether or not we’re going on the January cruise. I’m still not completely sure I’ll be going this year. I still have a bitter taste from the fiasco in Breckenridge and I’m not really drawn to the drama that I’m sure will ensue. Christine and I spoke about school and whether or not we’ll be able to see each other this fall. We also talked about the plethora of engagements and weddings that suddenly just happened! Maybe there’s something in the air but I don’t even plan to think about anything like that until I’ve finished my grad program. I’ve heard too many horror stories to put a significant other or a family through in regards to working full time and going to school. I also got to see Raine who was abroad in Europe for what seems like an eternity. She was in the Springs and it was really good to see her.

This week, I’ll clamp down and focus solely on school then get back to the gym and start accomplishing some of the goals set forth in my last post. I wish I’d be able to get away and visit the parents who have moved to San Antonio, Texas but work won’t let me take some time. It’s probably for the best. I need to work on paying OFF bills rather than create new ones. Another goal I have for the end of this year is to completely pay off my credit card bills and start saving for grad school. Ideally, the Navy will pay for my grad degree but it’s always nice to have a backup plan. I hope everyone reading this has a fabulous week and I plan to post at least twice or three times a week from now on.

I got my swim trunks and my flippy floppies...

Can you believe the end of July is already upon us? This year has flown by and it seems like it’s breezing by at a thousand miles per hour. Looking back at my accomplishments, experiences and the memories I’ve made, I can’t help but wonder what’s going on. Next month will mark the end of my first year of employment at the hospital working with my kids. Even after a full year of service, it feels like I’ve just started. Kids come and go and sometimes even return three or four times. Maybe it’s my nature to wander but I’m ready for something new. I want more from life and I don’t feel like I’ve found that creative avenue to share my gifts and talents with the world. The feeling of failure looms in the air when I see my kiddos return even more fucked up than the last time I saw them. I guess I can’t save all of them. My line of work just doesn’t seem that meaningful and significant anymore and it’s too bad I can’t keep this notion at bay anymore.

My summer session ends next week and I’m proud to announce that I’m on track to finish my biology course with a mid to high B. Next semester it’s Human Anatomy and Physiology I and Chemistry I. The more I contemplate my future, the more impatient I become. I want to get into the gist of it all and begin my graduate program. I want to begin my career and I WANT TO HELP OTHERS! For those of you I haven’t already spoken to, I’m going to finish my prerequisites, get into a PA program, and join the Navy serving for a minimum of three years on one of the Navy’s floating hospitals. Serving on the USNS Comfort or USNS Mercy, I’ll be providing care for US combat forces deployed in oversees operations while providing medical services to support disaster relief and humanitarian operations worldwide. I don’t think anything could be more perfect; sailing around the world serving others.

A quick update on my dancing, I had the performance I mentioned in my last post. It wasn’t really what I was expecting but I learned everything in life takes flexibility. The performance was for the Pikes Peak Library District and ended up being more of a workshop than an actual performance. I intend to continue taking dance because it’s such a fun and effortless way to stay active. I doubt I’ll continue trying to book performances. My choreographer keeps pushing me to get serious and try and pursue dancing as a career but I really don’t find the life of a dancer/performer all that appealing. It just seems too fickle and fake for me. I’m not the one to easily or readily conform to the wishes and expectations of others, especially when it’s something that’s not authentic to who I am.

In danger of falling back into stagnation, it’s time I reevaluate my goals and maybe renew some of the commitments I’ve made but failed to live up to. It’s time to get back into an active routine. That means hitting the gym more often and taking advantage of the beautiful state I live in. I’d like to hike at least 5 14ers by the end of this season. With one of my best friends back from Europe, we’re gonna definitely hit up Pikes Peak again. I need to stop sleeping so much and start being more productive and efficient at managing my time. I want to be more spontaneous and do things I really enjoy doing. This Thursday, I skipped my first class of the summer and went to Six Flags with a friend. It was absolutely amazing! We got drunk and rode rollercoasters. We passed out at the water park and I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun being ridiculous. I need to back at being so good at keeping in touch with people. One of the things I heard on a regular basis when I was in Washington was that I’m so good at making time for my friends. It’s time I start living up to that.

Shadowed on a Cloudy Day

Enjoying one of few days off, I’m struggling to find the energy to be productive. Colorado is having a strange spell of unusually cloudy weather and I’m longing for some sunshine and brightness. My list of things to accomplish grows each day and I’m finding that it’s harder and harder to stay motivated. I had my first Biology exam yesterday and I’m certain I missed 5 questions which brings me down to at least a 90%. The real reason is I slacked off and didn’t finish reading the last chapter necessary for the exam. On the brighter side of things, I’ve been asked to be a guest performer by a very experienced choreographer for a dance performance. One night after class, my instructor asked if I’d be interested in a being a guest performer for one of his productions. Asked how much experience I’d had in dance, I replied that I had never been formally trained, I just love to dance. He told me I had the potential to be REALLY GOOD and I agreed to participate. Last night I had rehearsal and let me tell you…it kicked my ass. The moves and instruction are on a completely different level. Nothing but a healthy challenge to shake things up a bit!

This weekend I’m taking some time off of work to spend time with a friend who’s flying in from Pittsburg. I’ll have class tomorrow and then pick her up at the airport in Denver. It should be loads of fun and I’m just happy to keep my social realm intact. We’re gonna head up to Fort Collins so I can reunite with Team DJ and then probably hit up Six Flags on the way back down to the Springs. I find myself getting so wrapped up and consumed by the daily grind that I sometimes forget to take time for me and enjoy the experiences and friendships life has to offer. I’m really hoping that I’ll be renewed and re-inspired to get back on track and continue to follow my goals and aspirations.

Down on a Rainy Day

So I’m having one of my moods. Classes are going well and I’m more than settled into my new apartment. I should be content with the cards life dealt me for the moment but strangely I’m not. I feel down and I really don’t know why. Normally, I have a clear understanding and insight into my feelings and emotions but reason has managed to escape me. Quick update on my personal status…I’m sick and I think I got something from the kids at work. I went to the doctor today and was prescribed antibiotics. I was pretty upset Monday evening because my stupid supervisor decided to move me off my unit and place me on the residential unit. It’s not necessarily being moved that upset me, it’s the fact that I was moved even though I am the most senior staff on my unit. The alternate Charge RN obviously can’t be moved but the two techs on my unit haven’t been around as long as I have. It’s MY FUCKING UNIT!!! Well, now that I’ve got that off my chest I feel a little better.

As I mentioned, classes are going well. My BIO course is really interesting although it feels like forever since I took chemistry. There are many concepts that require prior knowledge of chemistry although chem wasn’t a pre-req. Although I’m only taking BIO and my Hip Hop class, I feel overwhelmed. I have classes Monday through Friday and work the rest of the day. In fact, the only days off are Tuesday and Thursday for class. I don’t have weekends off and I don’t have a single day to myself. Perhaps that’s why I’m in a mood. The more committed I become to going to PA School; the more anxious I am for it to happen. I’m several semesters away from completing my pre-reqs which means I’ll be 25 or 26 years old before I apply and get in. That translates to me being 30 by the time I get my MS. I just want to start and get the ball rolling RIGHT NOW and this patience concept is bullshit.

I purposefully didn’t post on my SAS CO reunion experience for several days because I was still trying to decipher what I thought about it. It wasn’t bad…but it wasn’t great either. I had the chance to see some people I hadn’t seen since the ship and it was reconnecting with them. I also got to spend some time relating with Raine and talking about this whole “maturity” thing is playing out for the both of us. I LOVED Thursday night in Denver with Jenna, Annie, and Jennifer despite the minor dispute. It was nice seeing JC and spending a little time talking with Julia Byers. I also got to spend some quality time with Ashley Snyder and I really wish I would have hung out with her more on the ship. The downside was the drama. I lost respect for some several individuals and found out that several people were upset with me for inviting people to join in on the fun. Apparently the reunion was supposed to be for only those on the reunion voyage this January. I guess I didn’t get that memo. I got things worked out with those people who were upset but overall, I’d have to describe the weekend in Breck as a frat boy party: sex, drugs and booze. I don’t think I’ve ever been around as much sex as I was at the house. People smoked marijuana and tried pressuring me into it. I said I work at a hospital and I can’t. I’m also pretty serious about this medical route and don’t think it would be beneficial for me to partake in drugs. Not to mention, I would be a hypocrite if I constantly tell my kids not to do it, take a weekend off from them and then get stoned. Finally, I’m beyond the point of marathon drinking. Don’t get me wrong, I got pretty wasted but I focused on a sensible limit to where I wasn’t constantly inebriated. I guess it just comes with getting older and having responsible goals for me. I’m growing up and it’s not my thing anymore. Would things have been different if I were having a good time…? That’s hard to tell. I guess I’ll never know. To wrap this story up, I left early. I had to get away from it all and I’m glad I did. I think I’ll stick to my personal visits to see friends. They’re much more meaningful and less irresponsible.

Unexpected Happiness

So I’ve been in my new apartment for one full week and I love being on my own again. Aside from the freedom to come and go as I please, I like having a safe sanctuary. I’m still in the process of settling in but it’s feeling more like home as each day passes by. This is really a new and exciting start to something new. I’m beginning classes next week and I’ve made a change in the path that I’m traversing. Instead of nursing, I’m pursuing a MA to become a Physician Assistant. Raine’s father, who is a doctor, provided me with several pros and cons on Nursing School, PA School, and Medical School. Ultimately, I think PA School is a better fit and I’m taking the prerequisites. This summer semester I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I and Biology as well as a hip hop dance class. It’s only 8 credits which I’m much happier with compared to the 11-credits I was intending on taking. In the fall semester, I’ll take Human Anatomy and Physiology II, Microbiology and another hip hop class. I think the routine and structure is really something I need to get back on track.

This weekend, I’m taking a few days off to see my favs in Breckinridge. It’s a reunion for many of my Semester at Sea friends and I’m really excited to kick off a wild and exhilarating vacation. The festivities begin Thursday night and don’t end until Monday evening. These gatherings are really what keep me going. I get so caught up in the daily grind that sometimes I wonder why I do it. These people bring me back to reality by gently reminding me how important it is to make a difference in the world. I’m particularly excited to see Jenn Cook and Steph Lyons because they live so far away but really have made a committed effort to keep in touch and remain a substantially significant part of my life. Of course, my crew from up north: Raine Fryberger, Annie Hallowell, and Jenna Abrams are other obvious individuals I’m always happy to spend time with.

I’m at a very content part of my life right now and I’m grateful to the people and experiences that have led me to this point. More importantly, I recognize the hardships I weathered to get here and hope that I’ve taken the valuable lessons to heart. We are the sum of our experiences and I pray that I continue to develop and blossom into the ME that I’m destined to be.

A Brighter Day

There’s nothing like opening your eyes and feeling the vibrant warmth of a fresh and sunny day. Last night I went out with friends from work and we celebrated Cinco de Mayo at Jose Muldoons and it was so great to vent and share in the frustrations of work. I really think it was long overdue! I was so angry and miserable when I woke up yesterday to my father demanding me to straighten up and reorganize my room for the estate photographer. I was so angry I left to take care of my daily affairs before work and didn’t even mention to him I was leaving. Today’s a much brighter day. Some quick updates…

I’ve been cleared by the police and DHS regarding my alleged child abuse. I’m back on my unit and working with my kiddos. In fact, I was shocked to return and see my little ones who are normally assaulting me, come up and give me hugs! They told me they missed me and that I shouldn’t “take vacations anymore.” It’s moments like that, that show me I’m making a difference in the lives of my kids. The investigation results indicated the alleged charges were unfounded. The police officer who spoke to me after speaking to the child thought he’d be humorous and asked if I’ve ever had felony charges against me. I replied that I hadn’t and I didn’t intend to. He laughed and said, good because I’m not facing any charges. He then told me next time I want to beat on a kid, make sure to do it in front of somebody. I really appreciate his attempts to lighten my mood. Yesterday, I asked for my HR record in order to review what my hospital filed and it lists the allegation, the findings, and notes that I was moved off the unit for My safety and for the safety of the hospital. It very clearly states that I was in no error.

This month is really looking up! My work schedule has changed and now I have every Tuesday and Thursday off at work so I can take my evening class. I start summer school at the end of this month and I’m taking a heavy 11-credit course load for working fulltime. I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I, Nutrition, Psychology of Human Growth and Development, and a dance class. I’m moving into my single apartment May 11th and I really can’t wait to be out on my own again. I miss that sense of self-independence. The weekend of Memorial Day, I’m heading up to the mountains to see some of my favorite bunch of kids from voyage around the world. It sounds like there are gonna be shenanigans but it’ll be great to see everyone. I’ve also started a moderately intense fitness program. Strangely, I’ve got this idea that I really need to focus on my personal health if I expect to live a life worth living up through my 70s and 80s. I know what you’re thinking…maybe a little premature?? Something’s just different, I’ve got a bright outlook on the future and my mind is set more on the distant potential and opportunity.

It’s so nice to have something positive and bright to share compared to the recent negativity!
-Namaste

DHS Investigation...Child Abuser or Not??

This post comes from a whirlwind of anger and frustration. Two nights ago, a 10 year old patient accused me of shoving him while he was in seclusion and smashing his fingers with my keys. Case management at my hospital has opened an investigation as well as DHS and the police will be getting involved and I may be facing felony child abuse charges. This is a huge accusation that could put my current income situation and future nursing career in jeopardy. This patient is known to have made 2 previous accusations against his own mother as well as a teacher. I know I really shouldn’t be too worried because I didn’t do anything wrong but it’s still unnerving to be a senior staff and having this affect my credibility with the rest of my staff. It’s really shaken the very foundation of my experience and made me question why I’m doing this type of work. I know the immediate answer should be to help relieve the suffering of others through love and compassion but I’m questioning that. Why should I continue to put myself at risk when all it takes is one accusation to ruin everything I have and everything I am working to accomplish?

I was called in by my nursing manager, HR, and a caseworker to explain my side of the story. I was also very firmly reminded that I had no staff as witnesses to back up my story and it really felt like I have already been charged as guilty. Heading to my shift, I discovered I was pulled from my home unit to work with the adults. I was told not to respond to any codes on Willow Wing and that I was not even permitted to step foot on the unit until the patient discharged or until the nursing manager deemed it appropriate for me to return. …So much for company loyalty and the belief in their employees. This is exactly why people of my generation don’t have any company loyalty; because we’re treated like we’re expendable. I’d just like to point out that I’ve been employed with this company for almost 8 months and never had an accusation or even a complaint filed against me. More to come on this situation as I learn more.

Sitting in a Coffee shop on a Wintry Day

(Entry from March 26, 2009)

Just a few updates: I’m getting really burned out at Cedar Springs. Last night my supervisor literally yelled at me for not taking lunch breaks. I approached her and said, “I can’t do this” in regards to working with certain repeat patients that I’ve had problems with before. Her response was, “I don’t ever want to hear that from you again. You need to trust me and your charge nurse that we’re going to take care of you.” The reason for my discontent was my lacking of staffing. She then switched to chewing me out for my lack of lunch breaks. It took all that I had in me not to give my notice right then and there. The evening was stressful but I managed to get through it. The reason I haven’t been taking breaks is because the acuity has been so high and we’ve had countless seclusions and restraints which translates into hours of paperwork. My supervisor eventually apologized later in the evening. She called me into her office and was tearful and stated that she had no right to speak to me in the manner in which she did. Like the staff, supervisors get frustrated as well and she took out her elevated emotions on me. I accepted her apology and for the first time realized that even this supervisor that I normally see as a steadfast rock has weaknesses and that no one is capable of not letting this type of work get to them.

This Friday, I’m getting together with the girl from work and we’re gonna spend some time together. I have to work at my second job from 11pm-7am which means no dancing for me but I’ll take what I can get. She’s not working either. The only thing she’s got on Friday is swimming. Not really sure what I’ve mentioned about her but she’s training for a sprint triathlon. I think she’s got Fridays off because she works on Sunday. Things are progressing very slowly but I’m alright with that. I really feel like I’ve got too much going on in my life to speed into anything to fast. It’s just nice having someone to vent to about work and someone who shares a lot in common with me.

For you Facebook fanatics who have seen my new status, yes it’s true…I’m planning on getting a tattoo. I’ve decided to get the Ohm symbol on my right forearm. I created the design myself with some inspiration from countless months of research. I was supposed to get the tattoo this morning but there was a scheduling conflict with the artist so I’m sitting around waiting to see if I can get in today before work. If not, then it’s definitely later this week that it’s gonna happen. In the meantime, I’ll just have to look forward to getting some sweet ink done :-)

No new information on where I’ll be living in May. I know I’ll still be in Colorado Springs but for how long or with who really depends on whether I want to move in with the grandparents or pay rent and live on my own. Such meaningless worries to bog me down. Hope you enjoyed the update!

Oh Boy! It's a Long One :-)

So I promised a posting on my reunion cruise but I don’t really think getting into the details is really necessary. In fact, I just spent an hour or so explaining how much fun and gave an hourly report but when it came down to it, I realized that none of it was really worth mentioning. The main concept is that I was reunited with many of my best friends and we had a wonderful time. Each time I reunite with one or many of them, I’m reminded of how absolutely blessed I am to have such thrilling people in my life. I’ve got an ocean of companions who share and know a part of me that I will never be able to communicate to anyone else and for that I’m grateful.

January was a rough month for me. Aside from the assault, I was confronted with the brute reality that this is life. Every morning, I get up, take care of the daily needs and then head into work. It’s been difficult and at times I found myself wondering if it’s really worth it. It’s now midway through March and I still wake several times throughout the night shaken with fear. That assault left me traumatized and even now I’m fearful of going into work and wondering if I’ll go home at the end of the day safely. I’ve been having nightmares and constantly reliving the violence and aggression. Just yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from the District Attorney informing me of the menacing charges on that 17 year old. The letter asks for restitution. How can I compassionately ask for restitution when the very purpose of my employment is based on helping others? How can my life’s resolve to ease the suffering of others commune with my psychological desire for justice? I’m truly at a loss. I don’t know what to do or how to make the “right” decision.

February was a little easier on the soul. I began my second job with Penrose St. Francis Hospital as an On-Call Mental Health Worker. Well…I actually began orientation and filled my life with distractions. With all my down time, I’d find myself living in fear of others. I’ve got this sick disease in which I think people are going to try and physically harm me. My weeks were booked to the max in an attempt to distract myself. Between both jobs, I worked several weeks maxing out at 90 hours a week. I also focused on completing my Teaching English as a Foreign Language certification. I received my certificate yesterday with an outstanding A in the course. Needless to say, February breezed by.

This month, I spent the first week or so in Phoenix, Arizona. I had to make an emergency trip to take care of my grandfather who had a stroke. Thankfully, he is on the quick mend and already well into his physical therapy. He’s such an independent and strong willed man. People his age generally never fully recover but he has shocked the medical staff with an invigorated will to get back to enjoying life. While in Arizona, I had the opportunity to meet up with a dearly close friend. It was just what my heart needed and I feel like I’ve been inspired to refocus on what I want to do in life. The visit also made me realize how fortunate I am to have a job in these difficult times. Life’s not always easy but it’s the people who help you through it and the manner in which you live your life that makes it worthwhile.

I woke up today and decided that it was time to stop wasting my life and viewing it as “getting by.” No, it’s time to make something of myself. My new mantra for the season is, “Spend today making something matter.” It sounds pretty generic but it really motivates me to wake up and spend time on what is important. I’m gonna refocus myself and start developing into a better, well-rounded person. I wanna focus on the future and stop dwelling on the present and the past. Things are actually going really well. I’m still paying off my mountainous bills while preparing to go back to school this spring. I’m going to take my prerequisites for Nursing School and hopefully get accepted into a 12 month accelerated program at Regis University. I’ve been going out and nurturing my social life with friends from work and have really developed some great friendships. I’ve even met someone who is quite traveled and who shares some of my philosophies on life. I’m going dancing with her after work tomorrow evening with some of our mutual friends. My parents are moving to San Antonio, Texas which I think is stupid but my parents are happy. I’m committed to Colorado though so I won’t be going anywhere. I’ll just be moving to an apartment or in with my grandparents.

Life is such an amazing journey! Even though I’m still working on my PTSD, I think I’ll be able to do it with such supportive friends and family. I’m also gonna try and get back into a regular routine of keeping my blog updated. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Kicking off the New Year the Wrong Way

My apologies to my avid fans for not posting anything substantial recently. In fact, I think it’s been a month of so since I’ve posted anything at all. Much has happened since my last post and I realize that it’s going to take a few posts to catch you up on life. I guess I’ll start with New Years and I’ll briefly mention how lame I was. My grandfather was in town from Arizona and he drank me under the table! I think I passed out around 10:30 because of all the tequila and gladiators I drank in such a short period of time. A little background, my father is Mexican and we were drinking tequila. Bad choice to challenge an old man who has been drinking this stuff his entire life! Well needless to say, he was drinking it like water and I was struggling to keep up. I remember him saying, “I can’t believe I’m drinking with my grandson. I would have thought he could drink more seeing as how you’re young and you drink with your friends.” I actually puked that night and it was a little embarrassing.
3 days into the New Year, I also got assaulted by a 17 year old male patient. He was trouble from the moment I got on shift but I dealt with his anger and noncompliance throughout the evening. At visitation, I sent him to his room for inappropriate language in front of the younger children and parents and he absolutely blew out! I gave him a two minute timeout to separate him from the others just to get himself under control. Sadly, the opposite happened. He went to his room and started throwing furniture and yelling quite loudly. I followed to inform him that he wasn’t in trouble, but that his language wasn’t suitable for our guests and that it was bothering people. He told me that I was pissing him off with my bossy attitude and said he was going to do something about it. He grabbed the pen off my lanyard and forcefully pushed it into my throat. He told me he could kill me and that he wouldn’t even feel bad about it. Not realizing the danger, I asked him “are you really going to kill me over a 2 minute timeout?” This probably wasn’t the right thing to say but in my mind it was so ridiculous that the question needed to be asked. My staff quickly realized what was happening and tried calming him down. I told him that this type of behavior wasn’t appropriate on my unit and he said, “When I stepped onto the unit, it became my fucking unit.” A code green was called and this pissed him off because he knew that others were coming to help and that it was going to be a hands on operation. He punched the wall and another staff member stepped in. He noticed me slipping out of the room and threw the pen with such a force that it punctured my left eyelid and caused temporary blindness in both my eyes. My eye was swollen shut in minutes. I later discovered at the Urgent Care Hospital that he had caused a microabrasion to my cornea. Two other staff were seriously injured but he was eventually taken down forcefully and later taken into custody by the police. All three of us who he had injured pressed charges and he was banned from the facility. Talk about a great beginning to the New Year. I suppose I would have been angrier about what went down but I was leaving on a vacation in a few days and didn’t want it to ruin my plans. More on that in my next post!