Late Night Thoughts of Transformation

Wow! What an evening :-/ I've been thinking lately how discontent I've been lately with my current situation. I'm so caught up in the grind that I haven't had a chance to stop and see how bored and unfulfilled I really am. Everyday it's the same routine: wake up, get some studying done, gym, work at a job where I'm underpaid and under appreciated, gym, waste time, and bed. It's a really boring routine and it's really not that exciting. I had a wonderful phone conversation with someone I really respect and connect with and we came to the same conclusion that we're having a quarter-life crisis. Somewhere we went wrong and because of our incessant dedication to our "careers" we've somehow missed out. I've got so many friends who are making huge life decisions like getting married, buying houses, and having kids. What have I go to show for? I've got a BA in Psychology and a job that isn't inspiring.

When I first began working at Cedar Springs, I thought I could find the smallest chance of helping someone. I wanted to be a positive influence in the lives of my kids. Now, rarely a day goes by where I'm not physically restraining a little punk who wants to engage in a pointless power-struggle. Sure, most of the kids come from environments that do not foster their growth and development. In fact, I blame many of the parents for the learned behaviors of their children. That doesn't change the fact that I'm not really getting through to them. I'm a glorified babysitter. That's not really something I'm proud of. I feel like the hospital is draining the positive energy out of me. I need to escape and find something more meaningful. I see that change in myself that I so desperately want to see in the world fading away. It's time to find a different avenue of creativity and enlightenment.

I'm seriously considering setting sail and going overseas to Teach English as a Foreign Language. Why not? I'm certified and I have plenty of friends who could help me draw up lesson plans. Overseas, I could easily find work teaching, while maintaining my pursuit of a graduate degree. I'm currently reading this book by Chuck Thompson, called Smile When You're Lying-Confessions of a Rogue Travel Writer. The more I read, the more I want to be somewhere exotic. I want to be one of the people, other people write about. I want to be so well versed in foreign travel that it's more familiar to me than the grind. I've got so many friends who graduated from Gonzaga who appear to be doing well. They've got great jobs with competitive benefits and they seem to be doing it right, whatever IT is.

It's time to take a stand. With the New Year approaching quickly, I want to formulate a different approach. The "American" way of doing things doesn't seem to be working out for me. I'm gonna try and figure out how to take my destiny in my own hands and re-become that change I want to see in the world. If I continue in my current situation, the remaining optimism in me will continue to fade. Pessimism and distaste will permeate into my soul and I'll live a life wishing I had done more.