Looking Up

Just a quick update before bed…

I can’t believe how quickly this month has flown by! In two days it’ll be Thanksgiving and I’ve got so much to be thankful for. Aspen’s surgery went well and she’s recovering much quicker than anyone imagined she would! In fact, she’s already passed out from an entire day of lounging around the house. She lives a rough life! This week also marks the second full month that I’ve been working at the hospital :-) It feels like I’ve been there forever and I’m already beginning to see some repeat offenders. With tonight’s admissions, I think I’ve seen 5-6 patients who are or who have returned through the system. It’s been overwhelmingly stressful the past week or so and I even had two anxiety attacks from the stress but I’m still standing strong with the intentions of sticking around. I really DO love my job! Things with SC and I have finally settled down and we’ve gone days without having deep text conversations while lying in bed. There’s another one from work who is interested in me but I know things won’t be progressing anywhere. The wedding reception and brunch in Atlanta was superb and it was exquisite to reunite with an old friend from high school. Finally, I landed an interview with another mental health facility as a PRN Treatment Counselor. Basically it’ll be the same type of work but at a different facility with a more distinctive population.

That’s all the energy I have for now but stay tuned for a more in-depth update! Namaste -

Adjusting the Lenses

I’ve come to the realization that there is only a limited amount I can do in the world. No matter how much light and love I shed upon the world; I’ll never be able to completely illuminate it. Despite the power of the sun, it’s always night on half the planet. For all the good you do, there will always be darkness. I don’t know why I never saw it before. I’m so enveloped in my belief in total balance that I couldn’t even see the skewed perspective I’m looking at the world from. It’s time to leave behind the greatest sin of all – regret. I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because there are so many times that I’ve been afraid to live. No More! I’m gonna find support for myself in the love that consumes every minute of life’s mountain because it’s that love which directs and justifies my every step. I’ve found that the only way to make the right decision is to know what the wrong direction. Regarding the answers of life, each of us knows what the answers are, even before someone tells us what they are. Life teaches us lessons every minute, and the secret is to accept that only in our daily lives can we show ourselves to be as wise as Solomon and as powerful as Alexander the Great!

I can’t touch every single individual live I come in contact with but I can show compassion and love perpetually. Because what is compassion? It’s essentially concern for others’ welfare, their happiness and their suffering. So as a compassionate person, I’ll feel concerned when others are miserable and do the best I can to free them of their suffering. It’s not something to limit to just family and friends but a commitment that extends to every living being whether human or sentient. People want happiness and satisfaction in life and when we realize this discover our own happiness by opening our minds and being empathetic to those around us. The small, insignificant things that bother us in our own lives melt away and we find a peace of mind that cannot be found when we’re completely engulfed in our own lives.

I work with battered and torn children. They’re neat! They’re love and a constant reminder of how fragile life is. They all have problems but don’t we all? With all of my heart and soul, I know I don’t need to be a Gandhi or a Mother Theresa to change the world. I’m working my own miracles by giving these precious individuals a reason to keep fighting the good fight. This is my vow, a vow of love for all humanity. I will not rest until all the children are well. This realization is remarkable! The past months I’ve viewed my life as a “transition” but in reality, I’ve been learning and growing. I have not been stagnating as I originally thought. In fact, I settled perfectly and precisely into the role I’ve longed for but I didn’t see it because I thought I could only accomplish that change from a position of power or social recognition. I don’t need to be a CEO of a nonprofit or the head of a humanitarian effort. I’m DOING IT in my daily life! You can too!! I have friends all over the world who are longing for the same thing I so passionately sought. They are fighting the good fight and positively influencing the world either by influencing others or individually by being truly good people. I have a dear friend who is pursuing her nursing degree in California. I hear about her life daily and can see the flame within her. I have another friend who is teaching on the east coast. She doesn’t see the impact she has on her students nor does she see that she is helping send her children into the world with the necessary tools to change the world. Another friend is in Chicago becoming a priest. In today’s mentality, we need spiritual leaders and counselors more than any of us realize. A friend in Spokane is spreading her wings and changing the world by being love manifest in a single beautiful person. There are so many more outstanding people in my life who are making a difference and who have helped me find my path. To you, I express my deepest gratitude. The world would not be the same without you.

Speeding Through Life

I’m actually not speeding through life but I did get a speeding ticket today. I was coming home from getting my car maintained and an officer on a motorcycle pulled me over for going 49 in a 35. He asked me what the speed limit was and I told him I honestly thought it was 55. I actually did! He told me that the speed limit changed about 3 blocks back and I apologized. He still wrote me the ticket but said that he would include in his report that I was compliant and that he believes if I would have known that the speed limit had changed, I would have slowed down.

Today was actually a very bright day! The weather was nice and I got plenty of things taken care of that I’ve been meaning to do. I picked up some new clothes and splurged on Iron Man, I got my car maintenanced and took care of some of the chores around the house. I was supposed to work tonight but got called off because the hospital patient census is low and they didn’t want to pay me overtime this week. Tomorrow, I have to return to the dealer to get my window looked at but I’m planning on getting a few of my TELF lessons caught up and finish a book I’m reading.

Today was one of the first days in a while that I didn’t speak to the girl at work. I don’t really want to use her name so we’ll go with SC. I’ve been slightly distancing myself from her for so I can get over the feelings I had for her a little faster. We both still want to hang out but I explained what I needed and she said she would do whatever she can so that we can still be friends. We normally have a text conversation before bedtime but I think that needs to stop. She has a boyfriend and I don’t want to complicate things any further with that.

As for an update with my dog… My parents decided to have the large tumors removed. I’m worried that the doctor will be right and many more will appear but if it gives me another year or two with Aspen, than I’ll take it. She’s in a lot of pain. She has stitches along the left side of her body and above her left eye. She’s pretty lethargic and quite possibly caught Kennel Cough. I spent the entire day I was home making sure she wasn’t scratching or chewing her stitches.

Finally, I wanted to thank my dear friend Jenn for mentioning me in her blog – New Beginnings. “I'm also tagging Jeremy at Seasons of Change because I really enjoy reading his blog and following along as he helps change the world for the better! So you have now been awarded and if you're feeling up to it, pass the award on :)” It’s nice to know people are reading and occasionally leaving comments. I encourage everyone who reads my blog to comment. Let me know if there are things you want to hear about that I haven’t mentioned or even things that you want to hear MORE about!

Winter Frost on the Windows

You ever notice how listening to Frank Sinatra can just put you in a good mood?? I’m listening to Sinatra right now after a long day at work. I've been in down mood lately. I feel like I can't accomplish anything and its disheartening. The girl situation has been bothering me and I'm kinda getting stressed about going back to school and finding a second job. I’m on day 8 of my 12 straight day work schedule and I can’t wait for the weekend. The kids on the unit aren’t really taking advantage of their treatment and are really more shitheads than individuals I can get through to. They refuse to talk about their issues and are very defiant. I’ve noticed that it’s really a cycle. Some kids are inspirational and others are just in the hospital as a legal punishment for their behavior in their own lives. I guess it’s alright though. It doesn’t really require much emotional investment and really gives me the energy to focus on some of my own things I need to focus on.

The girl I was interested in at work and I have worked things out and we’ve decided to go the friend route. If life situations were different, maybe something would have happened but to be honest, I kissed the girl when alcohol was involved. There’s no way of telling whether it was the alcohol talking or whether the feelings are sound. I realize I got caught up in it more than I should have but I also realize I have a history of that. When I fall for a girl, I trip and stumble and act a fool until I get my bearings back. I dealt with it productively by power cleaning my room and bathroom and I feel much better. She’s actually going to help set me up with one of the new techs at work who is pretty cute. People at work are starting to read too much into things anyways and as we all know, people at work love to gossip. We really don’t want to be the subject of that nonsense so we’re cutting it off at the root.

On a downside, my dog which I love just as much as my Semester at Sea travels is really sick. She has countless mini tumors on her and her breathing and physical activity is suffering. The vet said it would cost 800 dollars to have the tumors removed but guaranteed that twice as many would reappear and that it would be much more uncomfortable for the dog once that happens. I cried last night when I tried imagining living without my dog, Aspen. She’s almost 12 years old and is the dog I really grew up with. My family got her when I was in middle school and she’s been the best companion I could ever ask for. When I would leave for school, she waited for me for about 2 weeks in front of my bedroom door and refused to do anything except eat and go outside to use the restroom. When I came home, she followed me everywhere and ignored the rest of my family. Now every time I come home from work, she wiggles her but and shakes her tail in excitement. She sleeps at the foot of my bed and likes it when I talk to her. She always tilts her head left and right when I ask her questions and actually scuffs at me when I say something stupid. So much character and such a good friend.

My plans for the rest of the week are to hopefully crack through the shell and reach at least one patient. I wanna know that my 12 day streak wasn’t spent in vain. Getting caught up on my TEFL would be nice as well but I know it’s gonna be a busy week. Finally, I want to get back into my music. I’ve been writing a song on the piano forever and I’d like to finish it sometime soon. I’m finding that not participating in music is really affecting me lately. Music was one of the most important parts of my college years and strangely, I just abandoned it when I started working. There’s no excuse for that. Hearing from friends would be nice too. I’ve kinda gone MIA and haven’t really spoken to anyone outside of work for the past month or so.

A quick update

So I apologize for letting my emotions get carried away. I’ve decided that the last post should be removed just in case she runs a Google search on me and finds my blog. It’s was a little ridiculous anyways.

As for a quick update, I’ve begun applying for jobs. I’m not going to quit my current job but I am looking for a little more income. I applied to be a mental health worker at Penrose St. Francis Hospital last night and will hopefully be hearing back from them shortly. The PRN position I applied for doesn’t work very many shifts throughout the month but it will be a slightly higher pay since I won’t be accepting health benefits. Additionally, I’m getting excited and anxious to go back to school in the Spring. I think my official start date is January 23, 2009. I think I’ll only be taking 2 classes to see how I can balance it with work. If manageable, I’ll pick up another one or two the summer semester.

What a Weekend

This weekend was filled with such a potpourri of emotions that I wanted to get some of my thoughts out. Halloween weekend was a blast! I had to work the night of Halloween but I had an absolutely amazing evening. I celebrated with the kids and had absolutely no problems. We programmed with a Halloween theme and we brought in candy and decorated the milieu. After work, I met up with some friends and we all dressed up. We hit up the bars and blew off any pressures built up from the week. It was probably the most relaxed I had seen any of my new friends and I really felt like I was starting to make my way fully into the group. The next day, I spent the evening with one of those new friends. We had beers and watched a few movies. Things got a little out of control but not in the sense that people immediately think. I kissed a friend I shouldn’t have because of various external factors. I feel bad about it but I’m also a little confused as to what I really want out of it. For my avid readers, I apologize but I won’t be getting any further into details here.

I also had a conflict with the parents. A pack of cigarettes fell out of one of my pockets and my mother got really agitated about it. I realize she is only looking out for my health and wellbeing but the manner in which she expressed her discontent really put me off. Later that evening, my father forced me to have the conversation about the smoking and for some reason I just broke down. I expressed my personal sense of failure because I’m living at home. I talked about some of the reasons I haven’t really been pursing another job and it really is because I love what I do. It’s just really stressful at times and smoking seemed like a better alternative than going back to my excessive drinking. I made a realization that my parents have two separate perspectives and that they are different individuals who focus on different things. My mother is judgmental and my father is much more open minded and understanding than I’ve ever given him credit for. He shared praises that I’ve never heard from him before and it was a shaking experience for me. The conversation really gave me some food for thought.

I guess the main point I’m trying to express in this post is that I’m still learning. My perspective can always be shaken and life is always throwing me challenges that I have to deal with.