DHS Investigation...Child Abuser or Not??

This post comes from a whirlwind of anger and frustration. Two nights ago, a 10 year old patient accused me of shoving him while he was in seclusion and smashing his fingers with my keys. Case management at my hospital has opened an investigation as well as DHS and the police will be getting involved and I may be facing felony child abuse charges. This is a huge accusation that could put my current income situation and future nursing career in jeopardy. This patient is known to have made 2 previous accusations against his own mother as well as a teacher. I know I really shouldn’t be too worried because I didn’t do anything wrong but it’s still unnerving to be a senior staff and having this affect my credibility with the rest of my staff. It’s really shaken the very foundation of my experience and made me question why I’m doing this type of work. I know the immediate answer should be to help relieve the suffering of others through love and compassion but I’m questioning that. Why should I continue to put myself at risk when all it takes is one accusation to ruin everything I have and everything I am working to accomplish?

I was called in by my nursing manager, HR, and a caseworker to explain my side of the story. I was also very firmly reminded that I had no staff as witnesses to back up my story and it really felt like I have already been charged as guilty. Heading to my shift, I discovered I was pulled from my home unit to work with the adults. I was told not to respond to any codes on Willow Wing and that I was not even permitted to step foot on the unit until the patient discharged or until the nursing manager deemed it appropriate for me to return. …So much for company loyalty and the belief in their employees. This is exactly why people of my generation don’t have any company loyalty; because we’re treated like we’re expendable. I’d just like to point out that I’ve been employed with this company for almost 8 months and never had an accusation or even a complaint filed against me. More to come on this situation as I learn more.

Sitting in a Coffee shop on a Wintry Day

(Entry from March 26, 2009)

Just a few updates: I’m getting really burned out at Cedar Springs. Last night my supervisor literally yelled at me for not taking lunch breaks. I approached her and said, “I can’t do this” in regards to working with certain repeat patients that I’ve had problems with before. Her response was, “I don’t ever want to hear that from you again. You need to trust me and your charge nurse that we’re going to take care of you.” The reason for my discontent was my lacking of staffing. She then switched to chewing me out for my lack of lunch breaks. It took all that I had in me not to give my notice right then and there. The evening was stressful but I managed to get through it. The reason I haven’t been taking breaks is because the acuity has been so high and we’ve had countless seclusions and restraints which translates into hours of paperwork. My supervisor eventually apologized later in the evening. She called me into her office and was tearful and stated that she had no right to speak to me in the manner in which she did. Like the staff, supervisors get frustrated as well and she took out her elevated emotions on me. I accepted her apology and for the first time realized that even this supervisor that I normally see as a steadfast rock has weaknesses and that no one is capable of not letting this type of work get to them.

This Friday, I’m getting together with the girl from work and we’re gonna spend some time together. I have to work at my second job from 11pm-7am which means no dancing for me but I’ll take what I can get. She’s not working either. The only thing she’s got on Friday is swimming. Not really sure what I’ve mentioned about her but she’s training for a sprint triathlon. I think she’s got Fridays off because she works on Sunday. Things are progressing very slowly but I’m alright with that. I really feel like I’ve got too much going on in my life to speed into anything to fast. It’s just nice having someone to vent to about work and someone who shares a lot in common with me.

For you Facebook fanatics who have seen my new status, yes it’s true…I’m planning on getting a tattoo. I’ve decided to get the Ohm symbol on my right forearm. I created the design myself with some inspiration from countless months of research. I was supposed to get the tattoo this morning but there was a scheduling conflict with the artist so I’m sitting around waiting to see if I can get in today before work. If not, then it’s definitely later this week that it’s gonna happen. In the meantime, I’ll just have to look forward to getting some sweet ink done :-)

No new information on where I’ll be living in May. I know I’ll still be in Colorado Springs but for how long or with who really depends on whether I want to move in with the grandparents or pay rent and live on my own. Such meaningless worries to bog me down. Hope you enjoyed the update!

Oh Boy! It's a Long One :-)

So I promised a posting on my reunion cruise but I don’t really think getting into the details is really necessary. In fact, I just spent an hour or so explaining how much fun and gave an hourly report but when it came down to it, I realized that none of it was really worth mentioning. The main concept is that I was reunited with many of my best friends and we had a wonderful time. Each time I reunite with one or many of them, I’m reminded of how absolutely blessed I am to have such thrilling people in my life. I’ve got an ocean of companions who share and know a part of me that I will never be able to communicate to anyone else and for that I’m grateful.

January was a rough month for me. Aside from the assault, I was confronted with the brute reality that this is life. Every morning, I get up, take care of the daily needs and then head into work. It’s been difficult and at times I found myself wondering if it’s really worth it. It’s now midway through March and I still wake several times throughout the night shaken with fear. That assault left me traumatized and even now I’m fearful of going into work and wondering if I’ll go home at the end of the day safely. I’ve been having nightmares and constantly reliving the violence and aggression. Just yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from the District Attorney informing me of the menacing charges on that 17 year old. The letter asks for restitution. How can I compassionately ask for restitution when the very purpose of my employment is based on helping others? How can my life’s resolve to ease the suffering of others commune with my psychological desire for justice? I’m truly at a loss. I don’t know what to do or how to make the “right” decision.

February was a little easier on the soul. I began my second job with Penrose St. Francis Hospital as an On-Call Mental Health Worker. Well…I actually began orientation and filled my life with distractions. With all my down time, I’d find myself living in fear of others. I’ve got this sick disease in which I think people are going to try and physically harm me. My weeks were booked to the max in an attempt to distract myself. Between both jobs, I worked several weeks maxing out at 90 hours a week. I also focused on completing my Teaching English as a Foreign Language certification. I received my certificate yesterday with an outstanding A in the course. Needless to say, February breezed by.

This month, I spent the first week or so in Phoenix, Arizona. I had to make an emergency trip to take care of my grandfather who had a stroke. Thankfully, he is on the quick mend and already well into his physical therapy. He’s such an independent and strong willed man. People his age generally never fully recover but he has shocked the medical staff with an invigorated will to get back to enjoying life. While in Arizona, I had the opportunity to meet up with a dearly close friend. It was just what my heart needed and I feel like I’ve been inspired to refocus on what I want to do in life. The visit also made me realize how fortunate I am to have a job in these difficult times. Life’s not always easy but it’s the people who help you through it and the manner in which you live your life that makes it worthwhile.

I woke up today and decided that it was time to stop wasting my life and viewing it as “getting by.” No, it’s time to make something of myself. My new mantra for the season is, “Spend today making something matter.” It sounds pretty generic but it really motivates me to wake up and spend time on what is important. I’m gonna refocus myself and start developing into a better, well-rounded person. I wanna focus on the future and stop dwelling on the present and the past. Things are actually going really well. I’m still paying off my mountainous bills while preparing to go back to school this spring. I’m going to take my prerequisites for Nursing School and hopefully get accepted into a 12 month accelerated program at Regis University. I’ve been going out and nurturing my social life with friends from work and have really developed some great friendships. I’ve even met someone who is quite traveled and who shares some of my philosophies on life. I’m going dancing with her after work tomorrow evening with some of our mutual friends. My parents are moving to San Antonio, Texas which I think is stupid but my parents are happy. I’m committed to Colorado though so I won’t be going anywhere. I’ll just be moving to an apartment or in with my grandparents.

Life is such an amazing journey! Even though I’m still working on my PTSD, I think I’ll be able to do it with such supportive friends and family. I’m also gonna try and get back into a regular routine of keeping my blog updated. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Kicking off the New Year the Wrong Way

My apologies to my avid fans for not posting anything substantial recently. In fact, I think it’s been a month of so since I’ve posted anything at all. Much has happened since my last post and I realize that it’s going to take a few posts to catch you up on life. I guess I’ll start with New Years and I’ll briefly mention how lame I was. My grandfather was in town from Arizona and he drank me under the table! I think I passed out around 10:30 because of all the tequila and gladiators I drank in such a short period of time. A little background, my father is Mexican and we were drinking tequila. Bad choice to challenge an old man who has been drinking this stuff his entire life! Well needless to say, he was drinking it like water and I was struggling to keep up. I remember him saying, “I can’t believe I’m drinking with my grandson. I would have thought he could drink more seeing as how you’re young and you drink with your friends.” I actually puked that night and it was a little embarrassing.
3 days into the New Year, I also got assaulted by a 17 year old male patient. He was trouble from the moment I got on shift but I dealt with his anger and noncompliance throughout the evening. At visitation, I sent him to his room for inappropriate language in front of the younger children and parents and he absolutely blew out! I gave him a two minute timeout to separate him from the others just to get himself under control. Sadly, the opposite happened. He went to his room and started throwing furniture and yelling quite loudly. I followed to inform him that he wasn’t in trouble, but that his language wasn’t suitable for our guests and that it was bothering people. He told me that I was pissing him off with my bossy attitude and said he was going to do something about it. He grabbed the pen off my lanyard and forcefully pushed it into my throat. He told me he could kill me and that he wouldn’t even feel bad about it. Not realizing the danger, I asked him “are you really going to kill me over a 2 minute timeout?” This probably wasn’t the right thing to say but in my mind it was so ridiculous that the question needed to be asked. My staff quickly realized what was happening and tried calming him down. I told him that this type of behavior wasn’t appropriate on my unit and he said, “When I stepped onto the unit, it became my fucking unit.” A code green was called and this pissed him off because he knew that others were coming to help and that it was going to be a hands on operation. He punched the wall and another staff member stepped in. He noticed me slipping out of the room and threw the pen with such a force that it punctured my left eyelid and caused temporary blindness in both my eyes. My eye was swollen shut in minutes. I later discovered at the Urgent Care Hospital that he had caused a microabrasion to my cornea. Two other staff were seriously injured but he was eventually taken down forcefully and later taken into custody by the police. All three of us who he had injured pressed charges and he was banned from the facility. Talk about a great beginning to the New Year. I suppose I would have been angrier about what went down but I was leaving on a vacation in a few days and didn’t want it to ruin my plans. More on that in my next post!

“Mr. Jeremy, You need to shut your face!”

So last night I got assaulted by another patient…

Although I was angry and upset for having to monitor this patient in the Locked Quiet Room (LQR), I quickly reminded myself that there are more important things than rushing to Panera Bread for a tasty bread bowl of soup. I’ve finally come to that point where a potential assault at work isn’t really a big thing. There is a patient who may be coming over from residential that is capable of taking 2-3 grown men down by himself but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I’m still happy with my job and the people I work with. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to HAVE a job.

It’s been a great week overall! My long time friend who is living in North Carolina was in town for Thanksgiving break and my basketball team swept the Old Spice Tournament beating Oklahoma State, Maryland, and Tennessee. It’s snowed over 4 feet in the past week and my dog is doing really well! She’s actually sitting next to me this very moment. Things in my personal life have gotten interesting as well. There’s a tech at work who I’ve been talking with and hanging out with and it’s nice to have someone I can vent to about work who understands. H is relatively new and she’s pretty cute! We went to lunch this weekend and I loved the time we shared and finding out more about who she is. She’s interested in pursuing here RN as well and we’re trying to see if we’ll be able to take some courses at PPCC together. My staff on Willow Wing have been giving me a hard time about it. I still claim that we’re just friends but they are convinced otherwise. Two nights ago, I went over to the adult unit to get away from the kids and stress that I was feeling that night and Rae came over on her break. H asked me to pour Mt. Dew for her and I figured it was no big thing and obliged. Well, to make a long story short, Rae – my partner in crime tech, came up to me singing… You’ve got it bad by Usher. Confused, I pressed the matter trying to see what she was talking about and she swears H and I were following each other around like lovesick puppies. I’m still not convinced but Rae threw the Norm of Reciprocity in my face and I guess I can kind of see what she’s getting to. When H’s boyfriend found out that she had lunch with me, he apparently didn’t talk to her for an entire day. They live together which makes that completely ridiculous!! So…as far as I’m concerned, H and I are just friends. She has a boyfriend and even though I’m discovering that having a +1 is something I’m finding in the women I’m interested in usually have in common, I’m not planning on messing with that relationship. That’s not my style and we all hate the guy who comes in, destroys a relationship and doesn’t even think twice about it.

DRAMA!!

Thanksgiving at the Nut House

I hope all of you had a very happy and joyful Thanksgiving! Mine wasn’t all that great although I’m thankful I could dedicate my holiday to those who didn’t have the opportunity to be with their loved ones. I spent Thanksgiving at work and boy was it an eventful evening!! We had two patients who assaulted other patients. The police were called and the chaos that ensued was a complete mess to manage. One patient pulled a nice chunk of hair from another patient and a younger patient threw a folding chair hitting someone, kicked a patient, and punched another patient square in the face. Talk about drama!! In the grand aspect, it was pretty entertaining although the stress of the moment forced me into an anxiety attack. The evening was salvaged when my wonderful friends stopped by with some Thanksgiving food. My parents were in Phoenix with my grandfather helping take care of things that needed attending to since my grandmother passed away in the spring and my sister spent Thanksgiving with her new boyfriend.

All in all…It reminded me how grateful I am for my own personal mental sanity and for the amazing friends who take the time to think of me when they’re with their own loved ones.

Looking Up

Just a quick update before bed…

I can’t believe how quickly this month has flown by! In two days it’ll be Thanksgiving and I’ve got so much to be thankful for. Aspen’s surgery went well and she’s recovering much quicker than anyone imagined she would! In fact, she’s already passed out from an entire day of lounging around the house. She lives a rough life! This week also marks the second full month that I’ve been working at the hospital :-) It feels like I’ve been there forever and I’m already beginning to see some repeat offenders. With tonight’s admissions, I think I’ve seen 5-6 patients who are or who have returned through the system. It’s been overwhelmingly stressful the past week or so and I even had two anxiety attacks from the stress but I’m still standing strong with the intentions of sticking around. I really DO love my job! Things with SC and I have finally settled down and we’ve gone days without having deep text conversations while lying in bed. There’s another one from work who is interested in me but I know things won’t be progressing anywhere. The wedding reception and brunch in Atlanta was superb and it was exquisite to reunite with an old friend from high school. Finally, I landed an interview with another mental health facility as a PRN Treatment Counselor. Basically it’ll be the same type of work but at a different facility with a more distinctive population.

That’s all the energy I have for now but stay tuned for a more in-depth update! Namaste -