Down on a Rainy Day

So I’m having one of my moods. Classes are going well and I’m more than settled into my new apartment. I should be content with the cards life dealt me for the moment but strangely I’m not. I feel down and I really don’t know why. Normally, I have a clear understanding and insight into my feelings and emotions but reason has managed to escape me. Quick update on my personal status…I’m sick and I think I got something from the kids at work. I went to the doctor today and was prescribed antibiotics. I was pretty upset Monday evening because my stupid supervisor decided to move me off my unit and place me on the residential unit. It’s not necessarily being moved that upset me, it’s the fact that I was moved even though I am the most senior staff on my unit. The alternate Charge RN obviously can’t be moved but the two techs on my unit haven’t been around as long as I have. It’s MY FUCKING UNIT!!! Well, now that I’ve got that off my chest I feel a little better.

As I mentioned, classes are going well. My BIO course is really interesting although it feels like forever since I took chemistry. There are many concepts that require prior knowledge of chemistry although chem wasn’t a pre-req. Although I’m only taking BIO and my Hip Hop class, I feel overwhelmed. I have classes Monday through Friday and work the rest of the day. In fact, the only days off are Tuesday and Thursday for class. I don’t have weekends off and I don’t have a single day to myself. Perhaps that’s why I’m in a mood. The more committed I become to going to PA School; the more anxious I am for it to happen. I’m several semesters away from completing my pre-reqs which means I’ll be 25 or 26 years old before I apply and get in. That translates to me being 30 by the time I get my MS. I just want to start and get the ball rolling RIGHT NOW and this patience concept is bullshit.

I purposefully didn’t post on my SAS CO reunion experience for several days because I was still trying to decipher what I thought about it. It wasn’t bad…but it wasn’t great either. I had the chance to see some people I hadn’t seen since the ship and it was reconnecting with them. I also got to spend some time relating with Raine and talking about this whole “maturity” thing is playing out for the both of us. I LOVED Thursday night in Denver with Jenna, Annie, and Jennifer despite the minor dispute. It was nice seeing JC and spending a little time talking with Julia Byers. I also got to spend some quality time with Ashley Snyder and I really wish I would have hung out with her more on the ship. The downside was the drama. I lost respect for some several individuals and found out that several people were upset with me for inviting people to join in on the fun. Apparently the reunion was supposed to be for only those on the reunion voyage this January. I guess I didn’t get that memo. I got things worked out with those people who were upset but overall, I’d have to describe the weekend in Breck as a frat boy party: sex, drugs and booze. I don’t think I’ve ever been around as much sex as I was at the house. People smoked marijuana and tried pressuring me into it. I said I work at a hospital and I can’t. I’m also pretty serious about this medical route and don’t think it would be beneficial for me to partake in drugs. Not to mention, I would be a hypocrite if I constantly tell my kids not to do it, take a weekend off from them and then get stoned. Finally, I’m beyond the point of marathon drinking. Don’t get me wrong, I got pretty wasted but I focused on a sensible limit to where I wasn’t constantly inebriated. I guess it just comes with getting older and having responsible goals for me. I’m growing up and it’s not my thing anymore. Would things have been different if I were having a good time…? That’s hard to tell. I guess I’ll never know. To wrap this story up, I left early. I had to get away from it all and I’m glad I did. I think I’ll stick to my personal visits to see friends. They’re much more meaningful and less irresponsible.

Unexpected Happiness

So I’ve been in my new apartment for one full week and I love being on my own again. Aside from the freedom to come and go as I please, I like having a safe sanctuary. I’m still in the process of settling in but it’s feeling more like home as each day passes by. This is really a new and exciting start to something new. I’m beginning classes next week and I’ve made a change in the path that I’m traversing. Instead of nursing, I’m pursuing a MA to become a Physician Assistant. Raine’s father, who is a doctor, provided me with several pros and cons on Nursing School, PA School, and Medical School. Ultimately, I think PA School is a better fit and I’m taking the prerequisites. This summer semester I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I and Biology as well as a hip hop dance class. It’s only 8 credits which I’m much happier with compared to the 11-credits I was intending on taking. In the fall semester, I’ll take Human Anatomy and Physiology II, Microbiology and another hip hop class. I think the routine and structure is really something I need to get back on track.

This weekend, I’m taking a few days off to see my favs in Breckinridge. It’s a reunion for many of my Semester at Sea friends and I’m really excited to kick off a wild and exhilarating vacation. The festivities begin Thursday night and don’t end until Monday evening. These gatherings are really what keep me going. I get so caught up in the daily grind that sometimes I wonder why I do it. These people bring me back to reality by gently reminding me how important it is to make a difference in the world. I’m particularly excited to see Jenn Cook and Steph Lyons because they live so far away but really have made a committed effort to keep in touch and remain a substantially significant part of my life. Of course, my crew from up north: Raine Fryberger, Annie Hallowell, and Jenna Abrams are other obvious individuals I’m always happy to spend time with.

I’m at a very content part of my life right now and I’m grateful to the people and experiences that have led me to this point. More importantly, I recognize the hardships I weathered to get here and hope that I’ve taken the valuable lessons to heart. We are the sum of our experiences and I pray that I continue to develop and blossom into the ME that I’m destined to be.

A Brighter Day

There’s nothing like opening your eyes and feeling the vibrant warmth of a fresh and sunny day. Last night I went out with friends from work and we celebrated Cinco de Mayo at Jose Muldoons and it was so great to vent and share in the frustrations of work. I really think it was long overdue! I was so angry and miserable when I woke up yesterday to my father demanding me to straighten up and reorganize my room for the estate photographer. I was so angry I left to take care of my daily affairs before work and didn’t even mention to him I was leaving. Today’s a much brighter day. Some quick updates…

I’ve been cleared by the police and DHS regarding my alleged child abuse. I’m back on my unit and working with my kiddos. In fact, I was shocked to return and see my little ones who are normally assaulting me, come up and give me hugs! They told me they missed me and that I shouldn’t “take vacations anymore.” It’s moments like that, that show me I’m making a difference in the lives of my kids. The investigation results indicated the alleged charges were unfounded. The police officer who spoke to me after speaking to the child thought he’d be humorous and asked if I’ve ever had felony charges against me. I replied that I hadn’t and I didn’t intend to. He laughed and said, good because I’m not facing any charges. He then told me next time I want to beat on a kid, make sure to do it in front of somebody. I really appreciate his attempts to lighten my mood. Yesterday, I asked for my HR record in order to review what my hospital filed and it lists the allegation, the findings, and notes that I was moved off the unit for My safety and for the safety of the hospital. It very clearly states that I was in no error.

This month is really looking up! My work schedule has changed and now I have every Tuesday and Thursday off at work so I can take my evening class. I start summer school at the end of this month and I’m taking a heavy 11-credit course load for working fulltime. I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I, Nutrition, Psychology of Human Growth and Development, and a dance class. I’m moving into my single apartment May 11th and I really can’t wait to be out on my own again. I miss that sense of self-independence. The weekend of Memorial Day, I’m heading up to the mountains to see some of my favorite bunch of kids from voyage around the world. It sounds like there are gonna be shenanigans but it’ll be great to see everyone. I’ve also started a moderately intense fitness program. Strangely, I’ve got this idea that I really need to focus on my personal health if I expect to live a life worth living up through my 70s and 80s. I know what you’re thinking…maybe a little premature?? Something’s just different, I’ve got a bright outlook on the future and my mind is set more on the distant potential and opportunity.

It’s so nice to have something positive and bright to share compared to the recent negativity!
-Namaste

DHS Investigation...Child Abuser or Not??

This post comes from a whirlwind of anger and frustration. Two nights ago, a 10 year old patient accused me of shoving him while he was in seclusion and smashing his fingers with my keys. Case management at my hospital has opened an investigation as well as DHS and the police will be getting involved and I may be facing felony child abuse charges. This is a huge accusation that could put my current income situation and future nursing career in jeopardy. This patient is known to have made 2 previous accusations against his own mother as well as a teacher. I know I really shouldn’t be too worried because I didn’t do anything wrong but it’s still unnerving to be a senior staff and having this affect my credibility with the rest of my staff. It’s really shaken the very foundation of my experience and made me question why I’m doing this type of work. I know the immediate answer should be to help relieve the suffering of others through love and compassion but I’m questioning that. Why should I continue to put myself at risk when all it takes is one accusation to ruin everything I have and everything I am working to accomplish?

I was called in by my nursing manager, HR, and a caseworker to explain my side of the story. I was also very firmly reminded that I had no staff as witnesses to back up my story and it really felt like I have already been charged as guilty. Heading to my shift, I discovered I was pulled from my home unit to work with the adults. I was told not to respond to any codes on Willow Wing and that I was not even permitted to step foot on the unit until the patient discharged or until the nursing manager deemed it appropriate for me to return. …So much for company loyalty and the belief in their employees. This is exactly why people of my generation don’t have any company loyalty; because we’re treated like we’re expendable. I’d just like to point out that I’ve been employed with this company for almost 8 months and never had an accusation or even a complaint filed against me. More to come on this situation as I learn more.

Sitting in a Coffee shop on a Wintry Day

(Entry from March 26, 2009)

Just a few updates: I’m getting really burned out at Cedar Springs. Last night my supervisor literally yelled at me for not taking lunch breaks. I approached her and said, “I can’t do this” in regards to working with certain repeat patients that I’ve had problems with before. Her response was, “I don’t ever want to hear that from you again. You need to trust me and your charge nurse that we’re going to take care of you.” The reason for my discontent was my lacking of staffing. She then switched to chewing me out for my lack of lunch breaks. It took all that I had in me not to give my notice right then and there. The evening was stressful but I managed to get through it. The reason I haven’t been taking breaks is because the acuity has been so high and we’ve had countless seclusions and restraints which translates into hours of paperwork. My supervisor eventually apologized later in the evening. She called me into her office and was tearful and stated that she had no right to speak to me in the manner in which she did. Like the staff, supervisors get frustrated as well and she took out her elevated emotions on me. I accepted her apology and for the first time realized that even this supervisor that I normally see as a steadfast rock has weaknesses and that no one is capable of not letting this type of work get to them.

This Friday, I’m getting together with the girl from work and we’re gonna spend some time together. I have to work at my second job from 11pm-7am which means no dancing for me but I’ll take what I can get. She’s not working either. The only thing she’s got on Friday is swimming. Not really sure what I’ve mentioned about her but she’s training for a sprint triathlon. I think she’s got Fridays off because she works on Sunday. Things are progressing very slowly but I’m alright with that. I really feel like I’ve got too much going on in my life to speed into anything to fast. It’s just nice having someone to vent to about work and someone who shares a lot in common with me.

For you Facebook fanatics who have seen my new status, yes it’s true…I’m planning on getting a tattoo. I’ve decided to get the Ohm symbol on my right forearm. I created the design myself with some inspiration from countless months of research. I was supposed to get the tattoo this morning but there was a scheduling conflict with the artist so I’m sitting around waiting to see if I can get in today before work. If not, then it’s definitely later this week that it’s gonna happen. In the meantime, I’ll just have to look forward to getting some sweet ink done :-)

No new information on where I’ll be living in May. I know I’ll still be in Colorado Springs but for how long or with who really depends on whether I want to move in with the grandparents or pay rent and live on my own. Such meaningless worries to bog me down. Hope you enjoyed the update!

Oh Boy! It's a Long One :-)

So I promised a posting on my reunion cruise but I don’t really think getting into the details is really necessary. In fact, I just spent an hour or so explaining how much fun and gave an hourly report but when it came down to it, I realized that none of it was really worth mentioning. The main concept is that I was reunited with many of my best friends and we had a wonderful time. Each time I reunite with one or many of them, I’m reminded of how absolutely blessed I am to have such thrilling people in my life. I’ve got an ocean of companions who share and know a part of me that I will never be able to communicate to anyone else and for that I’m grateful.

January was a rough month for me. Aside from the assault, I was confronted with the brute reality that this is life. Every morning, I get up, take care of the daily needs and then head into work. It’s been difficult and at times I found myself wondering if it’s really worth it. It’s now midway through March and I still wake several times throughout the night shaken with fear. That assault left me traumatized and even now I’m fearful of going into work and wondering if I’ll go home at the end of the day safely. I’ve been having nightmares and constantly reliving the violence and aggression. Just yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from the District Attorney informing me of the menacing charges on that 17 year old. The letter asks for restitution. How can I compassionately ask for restitution when the very purpose of my employment is based on helping others? How can my life’s resolve to ease the suffering of others commune with my psychological desire for justice? I’m truly at a loss. I don’t know what to do or how to make the “right” decision.

February was a little easier on the soul. I began my second job with Penrose St. Francis Hospital as an On-Call Mental Health Worker. Well…I actually began orientation and filled my life with distractions. With all my down time, I’d find myself living in fear of others. I’ve got this sick disease in which I think people are going to try and physically harm me. My weeks were booked to the max in an attempt to distract myself. Between both jobs, I worked several weeks maxing out at 90 hours a week. I also focused on completing my Teaching English as a Foreign Language certification. I received my certificate yesterday with an outstanding A in the course. Needless to say, February breezed by.

This month, I spent the first week or so in Phoenix, Arizona. I had to make an emergency trip to take care of my grandfather who had a stroke. Thankfully, he is on the quick mend and already well into his physical therapy. He’s such an independent and strong willed man. People his age generally never fully recover but he has shocked the medical staff with an invigorated will to get back to enjoying life. While in Arizona, I had the opportunity to meet up with a dearly close friend. It was just what my heart needed and I feel like I’ve been inspired to refocus on what I want to do in life. The visit also made me realize how fortunate I am to have a job in these difficult times. Life’s not always easy but it’s the people who help you through it and the manner in which you live your life that makes it worthwhile.

I woke up today and decided that it was time to stop wasting my life and viewing it as “getting by.” No, it’s time to make something of myself. My new mantra for the season is, “Spend today making something matter.” It sounds pretty generic but it really motivates me to wake up and spend time on what is important. I’m gonna refocus myself and start developing into a better, well-rounded person. I wanna focus on the future and stop dwelling on the present and the past. Things are actually going really well. I’m still paying off my mountainous bills while preparing to go back to school this spring. I’m going to take my prerequisites for Nursing School and hopefully get accepted into a 12 month accelerated program at Regis University. I’ve been going out and nurturing my social life with friends from work and have really developed some great friendships. I’ve even met someone who is quite traveled and who shares some of my philosophies on life. I’m going dancing with her after work tomorrow evening with some of our mutual friends. My parents are moving to San Antonio, Texas which I think is stupid but my parents are happy. I’m committed to Colorado though so I won’t be going anywhere. I’ll just be moving to an apartment or in with my grandparents.

Life is such an amazing journey! Even though I’m still working on my PTSD, I think I’ll be able to do it with such supportive friends and family. I’m also gonna try and get back into a regular routine of keeping my blog updated. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Kicking off the New Year the Wrong Way

My apologies to my avid fans for not posting anything substantial recently. In fact, I think it’s been a month of so since I’ve posted anything at all. Much has happened since my last post and I realize that it’s going to take a few posts to catch you up on life. I guess I’ll start with New Years and I’ll briefly mention how lame I was. My grandfather was in town from Arizona and he drank me under the table! I think I passed out around 10:30 because of all the tequila and gladiators I drank in such a short period of time. A little background, my father is Mexican and we were drinking tequila. Bad choice to challenge an old man who has been drinking this stuff his entire life! Well needless to say, he was drinking it like water and I was struggling to keep up. I remember him saying, “I can’t believe I’m drinking with my grandson. I would have thought he could drink more seeing as how you’re young and you drink with your friends.” I actually puked that night and it was a little embarrassing.
3 days into the New Year, I also got assaulted by a 17 year old male patient. He was trouble from the moment I got on shift but I dealt with his anger and noncompliance throughout the evening. At visitation, I sent him to his room for inappropriate language in front of the younger children and parents and he absolutely blew out! I gave him a two minute timeout to separate him from the others just to get himself under control. Sadly, the opposite happened. He went to his room and started throwing furniture and yelling quite loudly. I followed to inform him that he wasn’t in trouble, but that his language wasn’t suitable for our guests and that it was bothering people. He told me that I was pissing him off with my bossy attitude and said he was going to do something about it. He grabbed the pen off my lanyard and forcefully pushed it into my throat. He told me he could kill me and that he wouldn’t even feel bad about it. Not realizing the danger, I asked him “are you really going to kill me over a 2 minute timeout?” This probably wasn’t the right thing to say but in my mind it was so ridiculous that the question needed to be asked. My staff quickly realized what was happening and tried calming him down. I told him that this type of behavior wasn’t appropriate on my unit and he said, “When I stepped onto the unit, it became my fucking unit.” A code green was called and this pissed him off because he knew that others were coming to help and that it was going to be a hands on operation. He punched the wall and another staff member stepped in. He noticed me slipping out of the room and threw the pen with such a force that it punctured my left eyelid and caused temporary blindness in both my eyes. My eye was swollen shut in minutes. I later discovered at the Urgent Care Hospital that he had caused a microabrasion to my cornea. Two other staff were seriously injured but he was eventually taken down forcefully and later taken into custody by the police. All three of us who he had injured pressed charges and he was banned from the facility. Talk about a great beginning to the New Year. I suppose I would have been angrier about what went down but I was leaving on a vacation in a few days and didn’t want it to ruin my plans. More on that in my next post!