Oh Boy! It's a Long One :-)

So I promised a posting on my reunion cruise but I don’t really think getting into the details is really necessary. In fact, I just spent an hour or so explaining how much fun and gave an hourly report but when it came down to it, I realized that none of it was really worth mentioning. The main concept is that I was reunited with many of my best friends and we had a wonderful time. Each time I reunite with one or many of them, I’m reminded of how absolutely blessed I am to have such thrilling people in my life. I’ve got an ocean of companions who share and know a part of me that I will never be able to communicate to anyone else and for that I’m grateful.

January was a rough month for me. Aside from the assault, I was confronted with the brute reality that this is life. Every morning, I get up, take care of the daily needs and then head into work. It’s been difficult and at times I found myself wondering if it’s really worth it. It’s now midway through March and I still wake several times throughout the night shaken with fear. That assault left me traumatized and even now I’m fearful of going into work and wondering if I’ll go home at the end of the day safely. I’ve been having nightmares and constantly reliving the violence and aggression. Just yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from the District Attorney informing me of the menacing charges on that 17 year old. The letter asks for restitution. How can I compassionately ask for restitution when the very purpose of my employment is based on helping others? How can my life’s resolve to ease the suffering of others commune with my psychological desire for justice? I’m truly at a loss. I don’t know what to do or how to make the “right” decision.

February was a little easier on the soul. I began my second job with Penrose St. Francis Hospital as an On-Call Mental Health Worker. Well…I actually began orientation and filled my life with distractions. With all my down time, I’d find myself living in fear of others. I’ve got this sick disease in which I think people are going to try and physically harm me. My weeks were booked to the max in an attempt to distract myself. Between both jobs, I worked several weeks maxing out at 90 hours a week. I also focused on completing my Teaching English as a Foreign Language certification. I received my certificate yesterday with an outstanding A in the course. Needless to say, February breezed by.

This month, I spent the first week or so in Phoenix, Arizona. I had to make an emergency trip to take care of my grandfather who had a stroke. Thankfully, he is on the quick mend and already well into his physical therapy. He’s such an independent and strong willed man. People his age generally never fully recover but he has shocked the medical staff with an invigorated will to get back to enjoying life. While in Arizona, I had the opportunity to meet up with a dearly close friend. It was just what my heart needed and I feel like I’ve been inspired to refocus on what I want to do in life. The visit also made me realize how fortunate I am to have a job in these difficult times. Life’s not always easy but it’s the people who help you through it and the manner in which you live your life that makes it worthwhile.

I woke up today and decided that it was time to stop wasting my life and viewing it as “getting by.” No, it’s time to make something of myself. My new mantra for the season is, “Spend today making something matter.” It sounds pretty generic but it really motivates me to wake up and spend time on what is important. I’m gonna refocus myself and start developing into a better, well-rounded person. I wanna focus on the future and stop dwelling on the present and the past. Things are actually going really well. I’m still paying off my mountainous bills while preparing to go back to school this spring. I’m going to take my prerequisites for Nursing School and hopefully get accepted into a 12 month accelerated program at Regis University. I’ve been going out and nurturing my social life with friends from work and have really developed some great friendships. I’ve even met someone who is quite traveled and who shares some of my philosophies on life. I’m going dancing with her after work tomorrow evening with some of our mutual friends. My parents are moving to San Antonio, Texas which I think is stupid but my parents are happy. I’m committed to Colorado though so I won’t be going anywhere. I’ll just be moving to an apartment or in with my grandparents.

Life is such an amazing journey! Even though I’m still working on my PTSD, I think I’ll be able to do it with such supportive friends and family. I’m also gonna try and get back into a regular routine of keeping my blog updated. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!