LOVE My Weekend

What a weekend! Whew…Now that I feel like I have a moment to breathe. This weekend has really flown by. I got my paper and presentation done and I’m going into this final week of school with great anticipation. I can’t wait to finish classes and have nothing left but a few weeks of down time before the start of another grueling semester. After this week, I’ll be one semester closer to accomplishing my career objectives. It’s about 40 minutes before my first class of the week and I wanted to take some time to refocus.

Last night was pretty intense. I had a blow out with a friend from work and after an entire shift and several conversations, we finally worked things out. The biggest problem was the miscommunication and misperception from our respective viewpoints. I overreacted about my friend running her mouth and she didn’t really understand that some of the things she was saying in front of others were things I really didn’t want shared with our other friends. We hashed it out and I think things will be fine now. I also found contraband on my unit and it really frustrated me because things aren’t supposed to happen on my watch. While performing room safety checks, I found things that the kids were definitely NOT supposed to have. Needless to say, I tore the room apart and confiscated everything they should not have had. I passed on the information to the next following shifts and we’ll be cracking down so tight, I doubt this group of kids will try anything else while they’re on the unit. I don’t think they understand how vital their safety is to the staff.

This weekend was a great time to catch up with friends I haven’t spoken to in a while. I called Steph and we talked about whether or not we’re going on the January cruise. I’m still not completely sure I’ll be going this year. I still have a bitter taste from the fiasco in Breckenridge and I’m not really drawn to the drama that I’m sure will ensue. Christine and I spoke about school and whether or not we’ll be able to see each other this fall. We also talked about the plethora of engagements and weddings that suddenly just happened! Maybe there’s something in the air but I don’t even plan to think about anything like that until I’ve finished my grad program. I’ve heard too many horror stories to put a significant other or a family through in regards to working full time and going to school. I also got to see Raine who was abroad in Europe for what seems like an eternity. She was in the Springs and it was really good to see her.

This week, I’ll clamp down and focus solely on school then get back to the gym and start accomplishing some of the goals set forth in my last post. I wish I’d be able to get away and visit the parents who have moved to San Antonio, Texas but work won’t let me take some time. It’s probably for the best. I need to work on paying OFF bills rather than create new ones. Another goal I have for the end of this year is to completely pay off my credit card bills and start saving for grad school. Ideally, the Navy will pay for my grad degree but it’s always nice to have a backup plan. I hope everyone reading this has a fabulous week and I plan to post at least twice or three times a week from now on.

I got my swim trunks and my flippy floppies...

Can you believe the end of July is already upon us? This year has flown by and it seems like it’s breezing by at a thousand miles per hour. Looking back at my accomplishments, experiences and the memories I’ve made, I can’t help but wonder what’s going on. Next month will mark the end of my first year of employment at the hospital working with my kids. Even after a full year of service, it feels like I’ve just started. Kids come and go and sometimes even return three or four times. Maybe it’s my nature to wander but I’m ready for something new. I want more from life and I don’t feel like I’ve found that creative avenue to share my gifts and talents with the world. The feeling of failure looms in the air when I see my kiddos return even more fucked up than the last time I saw them. I guess I can’t save all of them. My line of work just doesn’t seem that meaningful and significant anymore and it’s too bad I can’t keep this notion at bay anymore.

My summer session ends next week and I’m proud to announce that I’m on track to finish my biology course with a mid to high B. Next semester it’s Human Anatomy and Physiology I and Chemistry I. The more I contemplate my future, the more impatient I become. I want to get into the gist of it all and begin my graduate program. I want to begin my career and I WANT TO HELP OTHERS! For those of you I haven’t already spoken to, I’m going to finish my prerequisites, get into a PA program, and join the Navy serving for a minimum of three years on one of the Navy’s floating hospitals. Serving on the USNS Comfort or USNS Mercy, I’ll be providing care for US combat forces deployed in oversees operations while providing medical services to support disaster relief and humanitarian operations worldwide. I don’t think anything could be more perfect; sailing around the world serving others.

A quick update on my dancing, I had the performance I mentioned in my last post. It wasn’t really what I was expecting but I learned everything in life takes flexibility. The performance was for the Pikes Peak Library District and ended up being more of a workshop than an actual performance. I intend to continue taking dance because it’s such a fun and effortless way to stay active. I doubt I’ll continue trying to book performances. My choreographer keeps pushing me to get serious and try and pursue dancing as a career but I really don’t find the life of a dancer/performer all that appealing. It just seems too fickle and fake for me. I’m not the one to easily or readily conform to the wishes and expectations of others, especially when it’s something that’s not authentic to who I am.

In danger of falling back into stagnation, it’s time I reevaluate my goals and maybe renew some of the commitments I’ve made but failed to live up to. It’s time to get back into an active routine. That means hitting the gym more often and taking advantage of the beautiful state I live in. I’d like to hike at least 5 14ers by the end of this season. With one of my best friends back from Europe, we’re gonna definitely hit up Pikes Peak again. I need to stop sleeping so much and start being more productive and efficient at managing my time. I want to be more spontaneous and do things I really enjoy doing. This Thursday, I skipped my first class of the summer and went to Six Flags with a friend. It was absolutely amazing! We got drunk and rode rollercoasters. We passed out at the water park and I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun being ridiculous. I need to back at being so good at keeping in touch with people. One of the things I heard on a regular basis when I was in Washington was that I’m so good at making time for my friends. It’s time I start living up to that.

Shadowed on a Cloudy Day

Enjoying one of few days off, I’m struggling to find the energy to be productive. Colorado is having a strange spell of unusually cloudy weather and I’m longing for some sunshine and brightness. My list of things to accomplish grows each day and I’m finding that it’s harder and harder to stay motivated. I had my first Biology exam yesterday and I’m certain I missed 5 questions which brings me down to at least a 90%. The real reason is I slacked off and didn’t finish reading the last chapter necessary for the exam. On the brighter side of things, I’ve been asked to be a guest performer by a very experienced choreographer for a dance performance. One night after class, my instructor asked if I’d be interested in a being a guest performer for one of his productions. Asked how much experience I’d had in dance, I replied that I had never been formally trained, I just love to dance. He told me I had the potential to be REALLY GOOD and I agreed to participate. Last night I had rehearsal and let me tell you…it kicked my ass. The moves and instruction are on a completely different level. Nothing but a healthy challenge to shake things up a bit!

This weekend I’m taking some time off of work to spend time with a friend who’s flying in from Pittsburg. I’ll have class tomorrow and then pick her up at the airport in Denver. It should be loads of fun and I’m just happy to keep my social realm intact. We’re gonna head up to Fort Collins so I can reunite with Team DJ and then probably hit up Six Flags on the way back down to the Springs. I find myself getting so wrapped up and consumed by the daily grind that I sometimes forget to take time for me and enjoy the experiences and friendships life has to offer. I’m really hoping that I’ll be renewed and re-inspired to get back on track and continue to follow my goals and aspirations.

Down on a Rainy Day

So I’m having one of my moods. Classes are going well and I’m more than settled into my new apartment. I should be content with the cards life dealt me for the moment but strangely I’m not. I feel down and I really don’t know why. Normally, I have a clear understanding and insight into my feelings and emotions but reason has managed to escape me. Quick update on my personal status…I’m sick and I think I got something from the kids at work. I went to the doctor today and was prescribed antibiotics. I was pretty upset Monday evening because my stupid supervisor decided to move me off my unit and place me on the residential unit. It’s not necessarily being moved that upset me, it’s the fact that I was moved even though I am the most senior staff on my unit. The alternate Charge RN obviously can’t be moved but the two techs on my unit haven’t been around as long as I have. It’s MY FUCKING UNIT!!! Well, now that I’ve got that off my chest I feel a little better.

As I mentioned, classes are going well. My BIO course is really interesting although it feels like forever since I took chemistry. There are many concepts that require prior knowledge of chemistry although chem wasn’t a pre-req. Although I’m only taking BIO and my Hip Hop class, I feel overwhelmed. I have classes Monday through Friday and work the rest of the day. In fact, the only days off are Tuesday and Thursday for class. I don’t have weekends off and I don’t have a single day to myself. Perhaps that’s why I’m in a mood. The more committed I become to going to PA School; the more anxious I am for it to happen. I’m several semesters away from completing my pre-reqs which means I’ll be 25 or 26 years old before I apply and get in. That translates to me being 30 by the time I get my MS. I just want to start and get the ball rolling RIGHT NOW and this patience concept is bullshit.

I purposefully didn’t post on my SAS CO reunion experience for several days because I was still trying to decipher what I thought about it. It wasn’t bad…but it wasn’t great either. I had the chance to see some people I hadn’t seen since the ship and it was reconnecting with them. I also got to spend some time relating with Raine and talking about this whole “maturity” thing is playing out for the both of us. I LOVED Thursday night in Denver with Jenna, Annie, and Jennifer despite the minor dispute. It was nice seeing JC and spending a little time talking with Julia Byers. I also got to spend some quality time with Ashley Snyder and I really wish I would have hung out with her more on the ship. The downside was the drama. I lost respect for some several individuals and found out that several people were upset with me for inviting people to join in on the fun. Apparently the reunion was supposed to be for only those on the reunion voyage this January. I guess I didn’t get that memo. I got things worked out with those people who were upset but overall, I’d have to describe the weekend in Breck as a frat boy party: sex, drugs and booze. I don’t think I’ve ever been around as much sex as I was at the house. People smoked marijuana and tried pressuring me into it. I said I work at a hospital and I can’t. I’m also pretty serious about this medical route and don’t think it would be beneficial for me to partake in drugs. Not to mention, I would be a hypocrite if I constantly tell my kids not to do it, take a weekend off from them and then get stoned. Finally, I’m beyond the point of marathon drinking. Don’t get me wrong, I got pretty wasted but I focused on a sensible limit to where I wasn’t constantly inebriated. I guess it just comes with getting older and having responsible goals for me. I’m growing up and it’s not my thing anymore. Would things have been different if I were having a good time…? That’s hard to tell. I guess I’ll never know. To wrap this story up, I left early. I had to get away from it all and I’m glad I did. I think I’ll stick to my personal visits to see friends. They’re much more meaningful and less irresponsible.

Unexpected Happiness

So I’ve been in my new apartment for one full week and I love being on my own again. Aside from the freedom to come and go as I please, I like having a safe sanctuary. I’m still in the process of settling in but it’s feeling more like home as each day passes by. This is really a new and exciting start to something new. I’m beginning classes next week and I’ve made a change in the path that I’m traversing. Instead of nursing, I’m pursuing a MA to become a Physician Assistant. Raine’s father, who is a doctor, provided me with several pros and cons on Nursing School, PA School, and Medical School. Ultimately, I think PA School is a better fit and I’m taking the prerequisites. This summer semester I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I and Biology as well as a hip hop dance class. It’s only 8 credits which I’m much happier with compared to the 11-credits I was intending on taking. In the fall semester, I’ll take Human Anatomy and Physiology II, Microbiology and another hip hop class. I think the routine and structure is really something I need to get back on track.

This weekend, I’m taking a few days off to see my favs in Breckinridge. It’s a reunion for many of my Semester at Sea friends and I’m really excited to kick off a wild and exhilarating vacation. The festivities begin Thursday night and don’t end until Monday evening. These gatherings are really what keep me going. I get so caught up in the daily grind that sometimes I wonder why I do it. These people bring me back to reality by gently reminding me how important it is to make a difference in the world. I’m particularly excited to see Jenn Cook and Steph Lyons because they live so far away but really have made a committed effort to keep in touch and remain a substantially significant part of my life. Of course, my crew from up north: Raine Fryberger, Annie Hallowell, and Jenna Abrams are other obvious individuals I’m always happy to spend time with.

I’m at a very content part of my life right now and I’m grateful to the people and experiences that have led me to this point. More importantly, I recognize the hardships I weathered to get here and hope that I’ve taken the valuable lessons to heart. We are the sum of our experiences and I pray that I continue to develop and blossom into the ME that I’m destined to be.

A Brighter Day

There’s nothing like opening your eyes and feeling the vibrant warmth of a fresh and sunny day. Last night I went out with friends from work and we celebrated Cinco de Mayo at Jose Muldoons and it was so great to vent and share in the frustrations of work. I really think it was long overdue! I was so angry and miserable when I woke up yesterday to my father demanding me to straighten up and reorganize my room for the estate photographer. I was so angry I left to take care of my daily affairs before work and didn’t even mention to him I was leaving. Today’s a much brighter day. Some quick updates…

I’ve been cleared by the police and DHS regarding my alleged child abuse. I’m back on my unit and working with my kiddos. In fact, I was shocked to return and see my little ones who are normally assaulting me, come up and give me hugs! They told me they missed me and that I shouldn’t “take vacations anymore.” It’s moments like that, that show me I’m making a difference in the lives of my kids. The investigation results indicated the alleged charges were unfounded. The police officer who spoke to me after speaking to the child thought he’d be humorous and asked if I’ve ever had felony charges against me. I replied that I hadn’t and I didn’t intend to. He laughed and said, good because I’m not facing any charges. He then told me next time I want to beat on a kid, make sure to do it in front of somebody. I really appreciate his attempts to lighten my mood. Yesterday, I asked for my HR record in order to review what my hospital filed and it lists the allegation, the findings, and notes that I was moved off the unit for My safety and for the safety of the hospital. It very clearly states that I was in no error.

This month is really looking up! My work schedule has changed and now I have every Tuesday and Thursday off at work so I can take my evening class. I start summer school at the end of this month and I’m taking a heavy 11-credit course load for working fulltime. I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I, Nutrition, Psychology of Human Growth and Development, and a dance class. I’m moving into my single apartment May 11th and I really can’t wait to be out on my own again. I miss that sense of self-independence. The weekend of Memorial Day, I’m heading up to the mountains to see some of my favorite bunch of kids from voyage around the world. It sounds like there are gonna be shenanigans but it’ll be great to see everyone. I’ve also started a moderately intense fitness program. Strangely, I’ve got this idea that I really need to focus on my personal health if I expect to live a life worth living up through my 70s and 80s. I know what you’re thinking…maybe a little premature?? Something’s just different, I’ve got a bright outlook on the future and my mind is set more on the distant potential and opportunity.

It’s so nice to have something positive and bright to share compared to the recent negativity!
-Namaste

DHS Investigation...Child Abuser or Not??

This post comes from a whirlwind of anger and frustration. Two nights ago, a 10 year old patient accused me of shoving him while he was in seclusion and smashing his fingers with my keys. Case management at my hospital has opened an investigation as well as DHS and the police will be getting involved and I may be facing felony child abuse charges. This is a huge accusation that could put my current income situation and future nursing career in jeopardy. This patient is known to have made 2 previous accusations against his own mother as well as a teacher. I know I really shouldn’t be too worried because I didn’t do anything wrong but it’s still unnerving to be a senior staff and having this affect my credibility with the rest of my staff. It’s really shaken the very foundation of my experience and made me question why I’m doing this type of work. I know the immediate answer should be to help relieve the suffering of others through love and compassion but I’m questioning that. Why should I continue to put myself at risk when all it takes is one accusation to ruin everything I have and everything I am working to accomplish?

I was called in by my nursing manager, HR, and a caseworker to explain my side of the story. I was also very firmly reminded that I had no staff as witnesses to back up my story and it really felt like I have already been charged as guilty. Heading to my shift, I discovered I was pulled from my home unit to work with the adults. I was told not to respond to any codes on Willow Wing and that I was not even permitted to step foot on the unit until the patient discharged or until the nursing manager deemed it appropriate for me to return. …So much for company loyalty and the belief in their employees. This is exactly why people of my generation don’t have any company loyalty; because we’re treated like we’re expendable. I’d just like to point out that I’ve been employed with this company for almost 8 months and never had an accusation or even a complaint filed against me. More to come on this situation as I learn more.