New Directions

The End

2010-02-17T03:20:00.002-07:00

Thank you to everyone who faithfully followed me over the past few years on my personal journey. After much consideration I've decided to close this avenue and pursue a different form of reflection. I'm moving my blog site to http://jboedigheimer.wordpress.com. Feel free to follow me on my adventures and experiences!

Late Night Thoughts of Transformation

2009-12-29T02:00:00.002-07:00

Wow! What an evening :-/ I've been thinking lately how discontent I've been lately with my current situation. I'm so caught up in the grind that I haven't had a chance to stop and see how bored and unfulfilled I really am. Everyday it's the same routine: wake up, get some studying done, gym, work at a job where I'm underpaid and under appreciated, gym, waste time, and bed. It's a really boring routine and it's really not that exciting. I had a wonderful phone conversation with someone I really respect and connect with and we came to the same conclusion that we're having a quarter-life crisis. Somewhere we went wrong and because of our incessant dedication to our "careers" we've somehow missed out. I've got so many friends who are making huge life decisions like getting married, buying houses, and having kids. What have I go to show for? I've got a BA in Psychology and a job that isn't inspiring.

When I first began working at Cedar Springs, I thought I could find the smallest chance of helping someone. I wanted to be a positive influence in the lives of my kids. Now, rarely a day goes by where I'm not physically restraining a little punk who wants to engage in a pointless power-struggle. Sure, most of the kids come from environments that do not foster their growth and development. In fact, I blame many of the parents for the learned behaviors of their children. That doesn't change the fact that I'm not really getting through to them. I'm a glorified babysitter. That's not really something I'm proud of. I feel like the hospital is draining the positive energy out of me. I need to escape and find something more meaningful. I see that change in myself that I so desperately want to see in the world fading away. It's time to find a different avenue of creativity and enlightenment.

I'm seriously considering setting sail and going overseas to Teach English as a Foreign Language. Why not? I'm certified and I have plenty of friends who could help me draw up lesson plans. Overseas, I could easily find work teaching, while maintaining my pursuit of a graduate degree. I'm currently reading this book by Chuck Thompson, called Smile When You're Lying-Confessions of a Rogue Travel Writer. The more I read, the more I want to be somewhere exotic. I want to be one of the people, other people write about. I want to be so well versed in foreign travel that it's more familiar to me than the grind. I've got so many friends who graduated from Gonzaga who appear to be doing well. They've got great jobs with competitive benefits and they seem to be doing it right, whatever IT is.

It's time to take a stand. With the New Year approaching quickly, I want to formulate a different approach. The "American" way of doing things doesn't seem to be working out for me. I'm gonna try and figure out how to take my destiny in my own hands and re-become that change I want to see in the world. If I continue in my current situation, the remaining optimism in me will continue to fade. Pessimism and distaste will permeate into my soul and I'll live a life wishing I had done more.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T22:49:00.007-07:00

I feel like I just wrote my Christmas newsletter for last year and I can’t believe how quickly this year passed by! Like last year, I joined my friends on the annual Semester at Sea Reunion cruise. We went to the Turks and Caicos Islands. Before I left though, I had the unfortunate experience of being severely assaulted by one of my patients. I won’t get into details but I ended up in the hospital and my patient was taken into police custody. The hospital suggested I take time off but I refused, knowing I was going on vacation in a few days. I couldn’t let my little ones think I was really hurt, so I returned the next day with a slightly swollen eye. Only two more days of work then off to the Caribbean! One of my best friends – Raine and I got to Miami where the ship was docked and waited for others to arrive.

Needless to say, the night turned into the late morning and it was fabulous reconnecting with people I had not seen in a few years. Once on the ship, we made our way to the cabins to drop off our belongings. My sister, Renee came along this year as a guest and really ended up enjoying herself. Unfortunately, I haven’t convinced her to take the plunge and commit one semester of her college career towards living in the world. Maybe some of you who know her will have to help convince her! Being back on the ship was amazing and Turks and Caicos was fun too. Unfortunately due to the recent hurricane, much of the island was severely damaged. The experience was pretty much a beach party with many of my favorites. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t any culture shock or anything too exciting like last year’s excursion to the Mayan Ruins. Below is a picture of Team DJ…you know who you are :-)

Back to reality, I continued to work at Cedar Springs Hospital full time. During the summer semester, I took two courses at Pikes Peak Community College: Biology and a hip-hop dance course. I really enjoyed both classes. The biology course was one of the prerequisites for a nursing program and the dance class was for my own entertainment. I did well in my science class and even better in Hip-Hop. In fact, I performed so well, that my dance instructor asked me to perform with his crew at various venues in Colorado Springs. My participation didn’t last long as my time commitment to work increased. There were a few weeks when I was working over 60 hours at the hospital. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I took some much needed time off to head up north for Tour de Fat, hosted by New Belgium Brewery.

Tour de Fat was a blast and I celebrated my birthday soon afterwards. My girls came down to the Springs to help me celebrate and it was night to ...I guess not remember as I can't really remember much of what happened that night! Regardless, I'm so glad to have friends that will make the drive to spend time with me. By this point in the year, I had moved out of the parent's house and into my own apartment. My parents moved to San Antonio, TX for a new job and they seem really happy there. My sister moved back to Fort Collins and will finish this school year out before she decides to move to the Springs or to Texas so my parents can help her with her soon-to-be-born baby. It was my intentions to continue taking prerequisite courses for Nursing School this fall but I dropped the classes due to the stress and time commitment. Instead, I'm currently pursuing my MBA in Healthcare Administration and I'm really enjoying it!

Right now, my parents and sister are staying with me for the holiday season. They'll both be leaving tomorrow and I'll have my apartment back to myself. It was nice having them but I'm getting ready to get back into my regular routine. My apartment is a little too cramped for 4 people! I'll miss them all but I know we'll keep in touch :-) Stay tuned for a New Year's post!

Looking Back

2009-09-28T12:21:00.000-06:00

Over the past three or four weeks, I’ve really been bogged down with the overwhelming sensation of immobility. I’ve realized that my drive and passion to help the kids I work with has slowly committed suicide and only been replaced with the monotonous repetition of a regular routine. At work, I run the same schedule day after day: room time, check-in, psych-ed, dinner, visitation, wrap up, and bed time. I’m tired of breaking up fights, being yelled at and cursed, and assaulted. I signed up to make a difference but lately, all I am is the campus enforcer. I earned stellar reviews on my annual performance review and learned I am extremely efficient at completing detailed clinical documentation and, I have “superior and dynamic leadership abilities,” which only means I’m more likely to get pulled to other units. The lovely CEO has capped the annual raise at 2%...which translates to a raise of 0.21 cents per hour or $1.68 more per shift. I’m glad to know that my efficiency and leadership is so highly valued.

I’ve been working so much and I feel like none of its paying off. I dropped this semester’s classes in a desperate attempt to earn enough to pay rent. I couldn’t handle working 50-60 hours a week AND succeed in Human Anatomy and Physiology. The sad part…I need A&P to get out of this crappy situation. I also want to get the hell out of the Springs. I realize I grew up here and I really value the experiences I had but it’s time to move to Denver. I’ve been looking for jobs and truly believe that Colorado Springs is incapable of providing young and eager individuals with the necessary upward mobility to succeed. The ONLY thing keeping me from spiraling into lunacy is the regular trips to Denver and the good times shared with my friends there. My three best friends in Colorado all live in Denver now which makes it easier for us to gather more frequently. Another very close friend just moved out from California and it’s been unbelievable seeing her here in Colorado. The other night, I actually “introduced” myself and asked if we could be real life friends. She laughed at me. There’s so many people I know, not to mention when I finally get my act together and get the pre-reqs finished, I’d like to go to CU-Denver. Denver is just a classier, younger and more exciting city than the Springs. I need that excitement and social structure RIGHT NOW!

Jeremy’s Birthday Bash

2009-09-09T08:18:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to leave a quick note on the epic journey of my birthday weekend… Last Friday marked my quarter of a century celebration and I must admit, it was by far the best birthday I’ve had thus far. My best friends from Colorado came down to the Springs and we started the party off right. Shots of Tequila baby! Actually, we kicked off the celebration at Red Robin. Eric and Kate from work came out for dinner joined by Brittney, Jenna, Annie, Raine, and my sister. It was so much fun seeing my best friends in Colorado finally get to meet some of the amazing people I work with on a regular basis. Eric, Kate, and Brittney weren’t able to come out that night but the rest of us certainly had a grand time. Back to my place for drinks and cake and then off to the bars. We hit up Blondie’s and the Thirsty Parrot. Tanja, from work joined us and was kind enough to drive us all home. The next day we hauled ass up to Fort Collins for Tour de Fat where we met up with my friend Nate from work. Sadly, we missed the bike parade but still had a blast. Nasty quantities of PBR were consumed and several games of beer pong were played. My sister had a BBQ at her new house and of course, we tore up the city at night. Lucky Joe’s was the place to be where we enjoyed live music and watched MelAnie (aka Annie) get made fun of by the performer. “You should call her Melanie as in Melatonin” Next it was the Vault and then a quick trip to Steakout where the bouncer who is and always will be a DB. TNBS upheld the tradition of Thursday night bomb shots although it was no longer Thursday. We ended the evening back at Raine’s brother’s house and all passed out. Unfortunately, I had to be at work by 11 the next day, so needless to say…I didn’t get much sleep. I had a wonderful time and am so thankful for the friends who where able to celebrate with me.

On a different note, I’m back to classes this week and I think I’m over my pity party. Last week, I was seriously questioning my abilities and wondered if PA school was the right thing for me. After several whiney conversations with my parents and a few motivational speeches from my friends, I’m re-dedicated to pushing on and making the sacrifice to get through all of these science classes to accomplish my goal. One of my very close friends, Jenn is moving out here and I think her presence will help keep me on track, as she is also going along a similar road to become a nurse. She’s moving out here within the week and I’m so extremely excited to have her so close so we can be real life friends. I met her through Semester at Sea and it’s only one more reason that studying abroad was one of the best decisions of my life. In October, I’ll hopefully be heading to a wedding to see one of my best friends from college get married to one of the raddest dudes I know. It’s the first weekend in October and it’ll be nice to see many old college friends.

I’m really looking forward to this semester now. At first, I wasn’t but I think this weekend really refreshed me. It’s been several weeks since my friend passed on and I was really at a low point but now I’m back on my two feet, ready to take on the world!

Life's Lesson from Death

2009-08-09T14:12:00.001-06:00

Today begins my new work schedule and it’s been a horrible day. I just learned that a friend of mine at work was taken off life support early this morning. The night before, he collapsed in the presence of his family and was rushed to the hospital. Less than a full month ago, my friend discovered he had an extremely rare form of cancer that had aggressively and swiftly metastasized throughout his body. Jason was someone who I’ve worked with for a year now and unlike many others, he wasn’t working with our kids for the money. He was doing it to make a difference in the lives of those we serve. We completely believed that we have the opportunity to help change the course of our patients’ behaviors so that they may live better and more fulfilling lives without being hindered by their diagnoses. The world is truly a lesser place in his absence. Sadly, traumatic and devastating events such as this are revealing in a truly remarkable way. They teach us that we have to be better and make a more concentrated effort to make a difference in the world. When we lose compassionate individuals, it is our responsibility to step up to the plate and make an even bigger difference than we already are. Last night at work was the worst night I’ve had in my entire year of employment at the hospital. I was ready to throw in the towel and even went as far as to compose my letter of resignation. I now clearly see that is not a possibility. I need to stick with it not only to support my staff and friends but because we need to send a clear message to our patients to continue the struggle, no matter what life throws at us. We can’t let horrible events bring us down.

As we stumble through life, it is important to realize that the reason we fall is to that we can learn to pick ourselves back up.

I'm on a Mountain, Don't You Ever Forget!

2009-08-04T13:19:00.001-06:00

Finally…A day off from all the craziness that tends to engulf itself in my everyday routine! A certain patient returned from a short “vacation” to another facility and I realize that it’s not that I can’t work with this specific child; it’s that I don’t WANT to. This kid ranks the highest on my hit list. I’m talking about killing the kid; I’m talking about how many times he’s landed a definitive hit on me; whether by punching, kicking, or stabbing me. There’s only so much the body can take. The overall reaction by my staff was “Oh fuck, what else can I do with my life that will promote rather than discourage my safety and wellbeing.” I fully intend to use today as a day to reevaluate whether or not I’m going to stay at the hospital. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’ve been nearly flying solo with a group of shitty kids this past weekend.

With Colorado’s summer in full force (not counting the fact that we set a record low “high” at 48 degrees sometime last week) I’m really excited to take advantage of Colorado’s landscape. After a mandatory meeting at work (yes, it’s my day off) I’ll head to the Pikes Peak incline and ideally make it up before the weather gets stormy or the sun goes down. It’s a breezy 81 degrees and I’m stoked to soak up the sun. I’ll probably hit up the gym afterwards and then take a nap before friends come over for a movie night. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie Wanted, I recommend it. I’ve never been a firm believer in the idea that movies make people homicidal but this movie certainly gets the adrenaline pumping.

School starts next week and my only regret is not having more time for myself. I wish I could have visited friends across the country. Watching as friends in the Pacific Northwest post pictures from their escapades on the lakes or cabins and seeing them enjoy themselves at wineries sometimes causes me to miss the years I spent there. In the foreseeable future, I’ll get to reunite with my Colorado girls during my birthday and then zip line up to Fort Collins for Tour de Fat. God bless whoever came up with New Belgium (Fat Tire).

On a closing note, I can proudly boast that I was the owner of two dogs for a day. At the animal shelter, I fell in love with the cutest puppy I’ve seen in a while. They called him Duckey although I called him Murphy. I adopted him in an effort to prevent them from putting him to sleep. Sadly after 24 hours, I quickly realized that I was allergic to the little guy and had to return him. Thankfully, the staff was very warm and reassuring. They said that because he was adopted, it greatly extended the time before they would have to reconsider whether or not he would be put to sleep. They further explained that the weekend was their annual adopt-a-thon and people were lining up by the hundreds to adopt new animals. (There seriously was a line nearly around the building of people and their children waiting to take a new companion home.) It made parting with the pup just that much easier although I’ll admit I became very attached within the first 24 hours.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week!

LOVE My Weekend

2009-07-28T15:36:00.001-06:00

What a weekend! Whew…Now that I feel like I have a moment to breathe. This weekend has really flown by. I got my paper and presentation done and I’m going into this final week of school with great anticipation. I can’t wait to finish classes and have nothing left but a few weeks of down time before the start of another grueling semester. After this week, I’ll be one semester closer to accomplishing my career objectives. It’s about 40 minutes before my first class of the week and I wanted to take some time to refocus.

Last night was pretty intense. I had a blow out with a friend from work and after an entire shift and several conversations, we finally worked things out. The biggest problem was the miscommunication and misperception from our respective viewpoints. I overreacted about my friend running her mouth and she didn’t really understand that some of the things she was saying in front of others were things I really didn’t want shared with our other friends. We hashed it out and I think things will be fine now. I also found contraband on my unit and it really frustrated me because things aren’t supposed to happen on my watch. While performing room safety checks, I found things that the kids were definitely NOT supposed to have. Needless to say, I tore the room apart and confiscated everything they should not have had. I passed on the information to the next following shifts and we’ll be cracking down so tight, I doubt this group of kids will try anything else while they’re on the unit. I don’t think they understand how vital their safety is to the staff.

This weekend was a great time to catch up with friends I haven’t spoken to in a while. I called Steph and we talked about whether or not we’re going on the January cruise. I’m still not completely sure I’ll be going this year. I still have a bitter taste from the fiasco in Breckenridge and I’m not really drawn to the drama that I’m sure will ensue. Christine and I spoke about school and whether or not we’ll be able to see each other this fall. We also talked about the plethora of engagements and weddings that suddenly just happened! Maybe there’s something in the air but I don’t even plan to think about anything like that until I’ve finished my grad program. I’ve heard too many horror stories to put a significant other or a family through in regards to working full time and going to school. I also got to see Raine who was abroad in Europe for what seems like an eternity. She was in the Springs and it was really good to see her.

This week, I’ll clamp down and focus solely on school then get back to the gym and start accomplishing some of the goals set forth in my last post. I wish I’d be able to get away and visit the parents who have moved to San Antonio, Texas but work won’t let me take some time. It’s probably for the best. I need to work on paying OFF bills rather than create new ones. Another goal I have for the end of this year is to completely pay off my credit card bills and start saving for grad school. Ideally, the Navy will pay for my grad degree but it’s always nice to have a backup plan. I hope everyone reading this has a fabulous week and I plan to post at least twice or three times a week from now on.

I got my swim trunks and my flippy floppies...

2009-07-25T13:24:00.000-06:00

Can you believe the end of July is already upon us? This year has flown by and it seems like it’s breezing by at a thousand miles per hour. Looking back at my accomplishments, experiences and the memories I’ve made, I can’t help but wonder what’s going on. Next month will mark the end of my first year of employment at the hospital working with my kids. Even after a full year of service, it feels like I’ve just started. Kids come and go and sometimes even return three or four times. Maybe it’s my nature to wander but I’m ready for something new. I want more from life and I don’t feel like I’ve found that creative avenue to share my gifts and talents with the world. The feeling of failure looms in the air when I see my kiddos return even more fucked up than the last time I saw them. I guess I can’t save all of them. My line of work just doesn’t seem that meaningful and significant anymore and it’s too bad I can’t keep this notion at bay anymore.

My summer session ends next week and I’m proud to announce that I’m on track to finish my biology course with a mid to high B. Next semester it’s Human Anatomy and Physiology I and Chemistry I. The more I contemplate my future, the more impatient I become. I want to get into the gist of it all and begin my graduate program. I want to begin my career and I WANT TO HELP OTHERS! For those of you I haven’t already spoken to, I’m going to finish my prerequisites, get into a PA program, and join the Navy serving for a minimum of three years on one of the Navy’s floating hospitals. Serving on the USNS Comfort or USNS Mercy, I’ll be providing care for US combat forces deployed in oversees operations while providing medical services to support disaster relief and humanitarian operations worldwide. I don’t think anything could be more perfect; sailing around the world serving others.

A quick update on my dancing, I had the performance I mentioned in my last post. It wasn’t really what I was expecting but I learned everything in life takes flexibility. The performance was for the Pikes Peak Library District and ended up being more of a workshop than an actual performance. I intend to continue taking dance because it’s such a fun and effortless way to stay active. I doubt I’ll continue trying to book performances. My choreographer keeps pushing me to get serious and try and pursue dancing as a career but I really don’t find the life of a dancer/performer all that appealing. It just seems too fickle and fake for me. I’m not the one to easily or readily conform to the wishes and expectations of others, especially when it’s something that’s not authentic to who I am.

In danger of falling back into stagnation, it’s time I reevaluate my goals and maybe renew some of the commitments I’ve made but failed to live up to. It’s time to get back into an active routine. That means hitting the gym more often and taking advantage of the beautiful state I live in. I’d like to hike at least 5 14ers by the end of this season. With one of my best friends back from Europe, we’re gonna definitely hit up Pikes Peak again. I need to stop sleeping so much and start being more productive and efficient at managing my time. I want to be more spontaneous and do things I really enjoy doing. This Thursday, I skipped my first class of the summer and went to Six Flags with a friend. It was absolutely amazing! We got drunk and rode rollercoasters. We passed out at the water park and I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun being ridiculous. I need to back at being so good at keeping in touch with people. One of the things I heard on a regular basis when I was in Washington was that I’m so good at making time for my friends. It’s time I start living up to that.

Shadowed on a Cloudy Day

2009-06-11T12:17:00.000-06:00

Enjoying one of few days off, I’m struggling to find the energy to be productive. Colorado is having a strange spell of unusually cloudy weather and I’m longing for some sunshine and brightness. My list of things to accomplish grows each day and I’m finding that it’s harder and harder to stay motivated. I had my first Biology exam yesterday and I’m certain I missed 5 questions which brings me down to at least a 90%. The real reason is I slacked off and didn’t finish reading the last chapter necessary for the exam. On the brighter side of things, I’ve been asked to be a guest performer by a very experienced choreographer for a dance performance. One night after class, my instructor asked if I’d be interested in a being a guest performer for one of his productions. Asked how much experience I’d had in dance, I replied that I had never been formally trained, I just love to dance. He told me I had the potential to be REALLY GOOD and I agreed to participate. Last night I had rehearsal and let me tell you…it kicked my ass. The moves and instruction are on a completely different level. Nothing but a healthy challenge to shake things up a bit!

This weekend I’m taking some time off of work to spend time with a friend who’s flying in from Pittsburg. I’ll have class tomorrow and then pick her up at the airport in Denver. It should be loads of fun and I’m just happy to keep my social realm intact. We’re gonna head up to Fort Collins so I can reunite with Team DJ and then probably hit up Six Flags on the way back down to the Springs. I find myself getting so wrapped up and consumed by the daily grind that I sometimes forget to take time for me and enjoy the experiences and friendships life has to offer. I’m really hoping that I’ll be renewed and re-inspired to get back on track and continue to follow my goals and aspirations.

Down on a Rainy Day

2009-06-02T23:57:00.000-06:00

So I’m having one of my moods. Classes are going well and I’m more than settled into my new apartment. I should be content with the cards life dealt me for the moment but strangely I’m not. I feel down and I really don’t know why. Normally, I have a clear understanding and insight into my feelings and emotions but reason has managed to escape me. Quick update on my personal status…I’m sick and I think I got something from the kids at work. I went to the doctor today and was prescribed antibiotics. I was pretty upset Monday evening because my stupid supervisor decided to move me off my unit and place me on the residential unit. It’s not necessarily being moved that upset me, it’s the fact that I was moved even though I am the most senior staff on my unit. The alternate Charge RN obviously can’t be moved but the two techs on my unit haven’t been around as long as I have. It’s MY FUCKING UNIT!!! Well, now that I’ve got that off my chest I feel a little better.

As I mentioned, classes are going well. My BIO course is really interesting although it feels like forever since I took chemistry. There are many concepts that require prior knowledge of chemistry although chem wasn’t a pre-req. Although I’m only taking BIO and my Hip Hop class, I feel overwhelmed. I have classes Monday through Friday and work the rest of the day. In fact, the only days off are Tuesday and Thursday for class. I don’t have weekends off and I don’t have a single day to myself. Perhaps that’s why I’m in a mood. The more committed I become to going to PA School; the more anxious I am for it to happen. I’m several semesters away from completing my pre-reqs which means I’ll be 25 or 26 years old before I apply and get in. That translates to me being 30 by the time I get my MS. I just want to start and get the ball rolling RIGHT NOW and this patience concept is bullshit.

I purposefully didn’t post on my SAS CO reunion experience for several days because I was still trying to decipher what I thought about it. It wasn’t bad…but it wasn’t great either. I had the chance to see some people I hadn’t seen since the ship and it was reconnecting with them. I also got to spend some time relating with Raine and talking about this whole “maturity” thing is playing out for the both of us. I LOVED Thursday night in Denver with Jenna, Annie, and Jennifer despite the minor dispute. It was nice seeing JC and spending a little time talking with Julia Byers. I also got to spend some quality time with Ashley Snyder and I really wish I would have hung out with her more on the ship. The downside was the drama. I lost respect for some several individuals and found out that several people were upset with me for inviting people to join in on the fun. Apparently the reunion was supposed to be for only those on the reunion voyage this January. I guess I didn’t get that memo. I got things worked out with those people who were upset but overall, I’d have to describe the weekend in Breck as a frat boy party: sex, drugs and booze. I don’t think I’ve ever been around as much sex as I was at the house. People smoked marijuana and tried pressuring me into it. I said I work at a hospital and I can’t. I’m also pretty serious about this medical route and don’t think it would be beneficial for me to partake in drugs. Not to mention, I would be a hypocrite if I constantly tell my kids not to do it, take a weekend off from them and then get stoned. Finally, I’m beyond the point of marathon drinking. Don’t get me wrong, I got pretty wasted but I focused on a sensible limit to where I wasn’t constantly inebriated. I guess it just comes with getting older and having responsible goals for me. I’m growing up and it’s not my thing anymore. Would things have been different if I were having a good time…? That’s hard to tell. I guess I’ll never know. To wrap this story up, I left early. I had to get away from it all and I’m glad I did. I think I’ll stick to my personal visits to see friends. They’re much more meaningful and less irresponsible.

Unexpected Happiness

2009-05-20T11:21:00.000-06:00

So I’ve been in my new apartment for one full week and I love being on my own again. Aside from the freedom to come and go as I please, I like having a safe sanctuary. I’m still in the process of settling in but it’s feeling more like home as each day passes by. This is really a new and exciting start to something new. I’m beginning classes next week and I’ve made a change in the path that I’m traversing. Instead of nursing, I’m pursuing a MA to become a Physician Assistant. Raine’s father, who is a doctor, provided me with several pros and cons on Nursing School, PA School, and Medical School. Ultimately, I think PA School is a better fit and I’m taking the prerequisites. This summer semester I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I and Biology as well as a hip hop dance class. It’s only 8 credits which I’m much happier with compared to the 11-credits I was intending on taking. In the fall semester, I’ll take Human Anatomy and Physiology II, Microbiology and another hip hop class. I think the routine and structure is really something I need to get back on track.

This weekend, I’m taking a few days off to see my favs in Breckinridge. It’s a reunion for many of my Semester at Sea friends and I’m really excited to kick off a wild and exhilarating vacation. The festivities begin Thursday night and don’t end until Monday evening. These gatherings are really what keep me going. I get so caught up in the daily grind that sometimes I wonder why I do it. These people bring me back to reality by gently reminding me how important it is to make a difference in the world. I’m particularly excited to see Jenn Cook and Steph Lyons because they live so far away but really have made a committed effort to keep in touch and remain a substantially significant part of my life. Of course, my crew from up north: Raine Fryberger, Annie Hallowell, and Jenna Abrams are other obvious individuals I’m always happy to spend time with.

I’m at a very content part of my life right now and I’m grateful to the people and experiences that have led me to this point. More importantly, I recognize the hardships I weathered to get here and hope that I’ve taken the valuable lessons to heart. We are the sum of our experiences and I pray that I continue to develop and blossom into the ME that I’m destined to be.

A Brighter Day

2009-05-06T11:32:00.001-06:00

There’s nothing like opening your eyes and feeling the vibrant warmth of a fresh and sunny day. Last night I went out with friends from work and we celebrated Cinco de Mayo at Jose Muldoons and it was so great to vent and share in the frustrations of work. I really think it was long overdue! I was so angry and miserable when I woke up yesterday to my father demanding me to straighten up and reorganize my room for the estate photographer. I was so angry I left to take care of my daily affairs before work and didn’t even mention to him I was leaving. Today’s a much brighter day. Some quick updates…

I’ve been cleared by the police and DHS regarding my alleged child abuse. I’m back on my unit and working with my kiddos. In fact, I was shocked to return and see my little ones who are normally assaulting me, come up and give me hugs! They told me they missed me and that I shouldn’t “take vacations anymore.” It’s moments like that, that show me I’m making a difference in the lives of my kids. The investigation results indicated the alleged charges were unfounded. The police officer who spoke to me after speaking to the child thought he’d be humorous and asked if I’ve ever had felony charges against me. I replied that I hadn’t and I didn’t intend to. He laughed and said, good because I’m not facing any charges. He then told me next time I want to beat on a kid, make sure to do it in front of somebody. I really appreciate his attempts to lighten my mood. Yesterday, I asked for my HR record in order to review what my hospital filed and it lists the allegation, the findings, and notes that I was moved off the unit for My safety and for the safety of the hospital. It very clearly states that I was in no error.

This month is really looking up! My work schedule has changed and now I have every Tuesday and Thursday off at work so I can take my evening class. I start summer school at the end of this month and I’m taking a heavy 11-credit course load for working fulltime. I’m taking Human Anatomy and Physiology I, Nutrition, Psychology of Human Growth and Development, and a dance class. I’m moving into my single apartment May 11th and I really can’t wait to be out on my own again. I miss that sense of self-independence. The weekend of Memorial Day, I’m heading up to the mountains to see some of my favorite bunch of kids from voyage around the world. It sounds like there are gonna be shenanigans but it’ll be great to see everyone. I’ve also started a moderately intense fitness program. Strangely, I’ve got this idea that I really need to focus on my personal health if I expect to live a life worth living up through my 70s and 80s. I know what you’re thinking…maybe a little premature?? Something’s just different, I’ve got a bright outlook on the future and my mind is set more on the distant potential and opportunity.

It’s so nice to have something positive and bright to share compared to the recent negativity!
-Namaste

DHS Investigation...Child Abuser or Not??

2009-04-24T00:44:00.000-06:00

This post comes from a whirlwind of anger and frustration. Two nights ago, a 10 year old patient accused me of shoving him while he was in seclusion and smashing his fingers with my keys. Case management at my hospital has opened an investigation as well as DHS and the police will be getting involved and I may be facing felony child abuse charges. This is a huge accusation that could put my current income situation and future nursing career in jeopardy. This patient is known to have made 2 previous accusations against his own mother as well as a teacher. I know I really shouldn’t be too worried because I didn’t do anything wrong but it’s still unnerving to be a senior staff and having this affect my credibility with the rest of my staff. It’s really shaken the very foundation of my experience and made me question why I’m doing this type of work. I know the immediate answer should be to help relieve the suffering of others through love and compassion but I’m questioning that. Why should I continue to put myself at risk when all it takes is one accusation to ruin everything I have and everything I am working to accomplish?

I was called in by my nursing manager, HR, and a caseworker to explain my side of the story. I was also very firmly reminded that I had no staff as witnesses to back up my story and it really felt like I have already been charged as guilty. Heading to my shift, I discovered I was pulled from my home unit to work with the adults. I was told not to respond to any codes on Willow Wing and that I was not even permitted to step foot on the unit until the patient discharged or until the nursing manager deemed it appropriate for me to return. …So much for company loyalty and the belief in their employees. This is exactly why people of my generation don’t have any company loyalty; because we’re treated like we’re expendable. I’d just like to point out that I’ve been employed with this company for almost 8 months and never had an accusation or even a complaint filed against me. More to come on this situation as I learn more.

Sitting in a Coffee shop on a Wintry Day

2009-04-05T01:31:00.000-06:00

(Entry from March 26, 2009)

Just a few updates: I’m getting really burned out at Cedar Springs. Last night my supervisor literally yelled at me for not taking lunch breaks. I approached her and said, “I can’t do this” in regards to working with certain repeat patients that I’ve had problems with before. Her response was, “I don’t ever want to hear that from you again. You need to trust me and your charge nurse that we’re going to take care of you.” The reason for my discontent was my lacking of staffing. She then switched to chewing me out for my lack of lunch breaks. It took all that I had in me not to give my notice right then and there. The evening was stressful but I managed to get through it. The reason I haven’t been taking breaks is because the acuity has been so high and we’ve had countless seclusions and restraints which translates into hours of paperwork. My supervisor eventually apologized later in the evening. She called me into her office and was tearful and stated that she had no right to speak to me in the manner in which she did. Like the staff, supervisors get frustrated as well and she took out her elevated emotions on me. I accepted her apology and for the first time realized that even this supervisor that I normally see as a steadfast rock has weaknesses and that no one is capable of not letting this type of work get to them.

This Friday, I’m getting together with the girl from work and we’re gonna spend some time together. I have to work at my second job from 11pm-7am which means no dancing for me but I’ll take what I can get. She’s not working either. The only thing she’s got on Friday is swimming. Not really sure what I’ve mentioned about her but she’s training for a sprint triathlon. I think she’s got Fridays off because she works on Sunday. Things are progressing very slowly but I’m alright with that. I really feel like I’ve got too much going on in my life to speed into anything to fast. It’s just nice having someone to vent to about work and someone who shares a lot in common with me.

For you Facebook fanatics who have seen my new status, yes it’s true…I’m planning on getting a tattoo. I’ve decided to get the Ohm symbol on my right forearm. I created the design myself with some inspiration from countless months of research. I was supposed to get the tattoo this morning but there was a scheduling conflict with the artist so I’m sitting around waiting to see if I can get in today before work. If not, then it’s definitely later this week that it’s gonna happen. In the meantime, I’ll just have to look forward to getting some sweet ink done :-)

No new information on where I’ll be living in May. I know I’ll still be in Colorado Springs but for how long or with who really depends on whether I want to move in with the grandparents or pay rent and live on my own. Such meaningless worries to bog me down. Hope you enjoyed the update!

Oh Boy! It's a Long One :-)

2009-03-21T03:44:00.000-06:00

So I promised a posting on my reunion cruise but I don’t really think getting into the details is really necessary. In fact, I just spent an hour or so explaining how much fun and gave an hourly report but when it came down to it, I realized that none of it was really worth mentioning. The main concept is that I was reunited with many of my best friends and we had a wonderful time. Each time I reunite with one or many of them, I’m reminded of how absolutely blessed I am to have such thrilling people in my life. I’ve got an ocean of companions who share and know a part of me that I will never be able to communicate to anyone else and for that I’m grateful.

January was a rough month for me. Aside from the assault, I was confronted with the brute reality that this is life. Every morning, I get up, take care of the daily needs and then head into work. It’s been difficult and at times I found myself wondering if it’s really worth it. It’s now midway through March and I still wake several times throughout the night shaken with fear. That assault left me traumatized and even now I’m fearful of going into work and wondering if I’ll go home at the end of the day safely. I’ve been having nightmares and constantly reliving the violence and aggression. Just yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from the District Attorney informing me of the menacing charges on that 17 year old. The letter asks for restitution. How can I compassionately ask for restitution when the very purpose of my employment is based on helping others? How can my life’s resolve to ease the suffering of others commune with my psychological desire for justice? I’m truly at a loss. I don’t know what to do or how to make the “right” decision.

February was a little easier on the soul. I began my second job with Penrose St. Francis Hospital as an On-Call Mental Health Worker. Well…I actually began orientation and filled my life with distractions. With all my down time, I’d find myself living in fear of others. I’ve got this sick disease in which I think people are going to try and physically harm me. My weeks were booked to the max in an attempt to distract myself. Between both jobs, I worked several weeks maxing out at 90 hours a week. I also focused on completing my Teaching English as a Foreign Language certification. I received my certificate yesterday with an outstanding A in the course. Needless to say, February breezed by.

This month, I spent the first week or so in Phoenix, Arizona. I had to make an emergency trip to take care of my grandfather who had a stroke. Thankfully, he is on the quick mend and already well into his physical therapy. He’s such an independent and strong willed man. People his age generally never fully recover but he has shocked the medical staff with an invigorated will to get back to enjoying life. While in Arizona, I had the opportunity to meet up with a dearly close friend. It was just what my heart needed and I feel like I’ve been inspired to refocus on what I want to do in life. The visit also made me realize how fortunate I am to have a job in these difficult times. Life’s not always easy but it’s the people who help you through it and the manner in which you live your life that makes it worthwhile.

I woke up today and decided that it was time to stop wasting my life and viewing it as “getting by.” No, it’s time to make something of myself. My new mantra for the season is, “Spend today making something matter.” It sounds pretty generic but it really motivates me to wake up and spend time on what is important. I’m gonna refocus myself and start developing into a better, well-rounded person. I wanna focus on the future and stop dwelling on the present and the past. Things are actually going really well. I’m still paying off my mountainous bills while preparing to go back to school this spring. I’m going to take my prerequisites for Nursing School and hopefully get accepted into a 12 month accelerated program at Regis University. I’ve been going out and nurturing my social life with friends from work and have really developed some great friendships. I’ve even met someone who is quite traveled and who shares some of my philosophies on life. I’m going dancing with her after work tomorrow evening with some of our mutual friends. My parents are moving to San Antonio, Texas which I think is stupid but my parents are happy. I’m committed to Colorado though so I won’t be going anywhere. I’ll just be moving to an apartment or in with my grandparents.

Life is such an amazing journey! Even though I’m still working on my PTSD, I think I’ll be able to do it with such supportive friends and family. I’m also gonna try and get back into a regular routine of keeping my blog updated. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Kicking off the New Year the Wrong Way

2009-01-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

My apologies to my avid fans for not posting anything substantial recently. In fact, I think it’s been a month of so since I’ve posted anything at all. Much has happened since my last post and I realize that it’s going to take a few posts to catch you up on life. I guess I’ll start with New Years and I’ll briefly mention how lame I was. My grandfather was in town from Arizona and he drank me under the table! I think I passed out around 10:30 because of all the tequila and gladiators I drank in such a short period of time. A little background, my father is Mexican and we were drinking tequila. Bad choice to challenge an old man who has been drinking this stuff his entire life! Well needless to say, he was drinking it like water and I was struggling to keep up. I remember him saying, “I can’t believe I’m drinking with my grandson. I would have thought he could drink more seeing as how you’re young and you drink with your friends.” I actually puked that night and it was a little embarrassing.
3 days into the New Year, I also got assaulted by a 17 year old male patient. He was trouble from the moment I got on shift but I dealt with his anger and noncompliance throughout the evening. At visitation, I sent him to his room for inappropriate language in front of the younger children and parents and he absolutely blew out! I gave him a two minute timeout to separate him from the others just to get himself under control. Sadly, the opposite happened. He went to his room and started throwing furniture and yelling quite loudly. I followed to inform him that he wasn’t in trouble, but that his language wasn’t suitable for our guests and that it was bothering people. He told me that I was pissing him off with my bossy attitude and said he was going to do something about it. He grabbed the pen off my lanyard and forcefully pushed it into my throat. He told me he could kill me and that he wouldn’t even feel bad about it. Not realizing the danger, I asked him “are you really going to kill me over a 2 minute timeout?” This probably wasn’t the right thing to say but in my mind it was so ridiculous that the question needed to be asked. My staff quickly realized what was happening and tried calming him down. I told him that this type of behavior wasn’t appropriate on my unit and he said, “When I stepped onto the unit, it became my fucking unit.” A code green was called and this pissed him off because he knew that others were coming to help and that it was going to be a hands on operation. He punched the wall and another staff member stepped in. He noticed me slipping out of the room and threw the pen with such a force that it punctured my left eyelid and caused temporary blindness in both my eyes. My eye was swollen shut in minutes. I later discovered at the Urgent Care Hospital that he had caused a microabrasion to my cornea. Two other staff were seriously injured but he was eventually taken down forcefully and later taken into custody by the police. All three of us who he had injured pressed charges and he was banned from the facility. Talk about a great beginning to the New Year. I suppose I would have been angrier about what went down but I was leaving on a vacation in a few days and didn’t want it to ruin my plans. More on that in my next post!

“Mr. Jeremy, You need to shut your face!”

2008-12-04T13:11:00.001-07:00

So last night I got assaulted by another patient…

Although I was angry and upset for having to monitor this patient in the Locked Quiet Room (LQR), I quickly reminded myself that there are more important things than rushing to Panera Bread for a tasty bread bowl of soup. I’ve finally come to that point where a potential assault at work isn’t really a big thing. There is a patient who may be coming over from residential that is capable of taking 2-3 grown men down by himself but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. I’m still happy with my job and the people I work with. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to HAVE a job.

It’s been a great week overall! My long time friend who is living in North Carolina was in town for Thanksgiving break and my basketball team swept the Old Spice Tournament beating Oklahoma State, Maryland, and Tennessee. It’s snowed over 4 feet in the past week and my dog is doing really well! She’s actually sitting next to me this very moment. Things in my personal life have gotten interesting as well. There’s a tech at work who I’ve been talking with and hanging out with and it’s nice to have someone I can vent to about work who understands. H is relatively new and she’s pretty cute! We went to lunch this weekend and I loved the time we shared and finding out more about who she is. She’s interested in pursuing here RN as well and we’re trying to see if we’ll be able to take some courses at PPCC together. My staff on Willow Wing have been giving me a hard time about it. I still claim that we’re just friends but they are convinced otherwise. Two nights ago, I went over to the adult unit to get away from the kids and stress that I was feeling that night and Rae came over on her break. H asked me to pour Mt. Dew for her and I figured it was no big thing and obliged. Well, to make a long story short, Rae – my partner in crime tech, came up to me singing… You’ve got it bad by Usher. Confused, I pressed the matter trying to see what she was talking about and she swears H and I were following each other around like lovesick puppies. I’m still not convinced but Rae threw the Norm of Reciprocity in my face and I guess I can kind of see what she’s getting to. When H’s boyfriend found out that she had lunch with me, he apparently didn’t talk to her for an entire day. They live together which makes that completely ridiculous!! So…as far as I’m concerned, H and I are just friends. She has a boyfriend and even though I’m discovering that having a +1 is something I’m finding in the women I’m interested in usually have in common, I’m not planning on messing with that relationship. That’s not my style and we all hate the guy who comes in, destroys a relationship and doesn’t even think twice about it.

DRAMA!!

Thanksgiving at the Nut House

2008-12-02T13:09:00.001-07:00

I hope all of you had a very happy and joyful Thanksgiving! Mine wasn’t all that great although I’m thankful I could dedicate my holiday to those who didn’t have the opportunity to be with their loved ones. I spent Thanksgiving at work and boy was it an eventful evening!! We had two patients who assaulted other patients. The police were called and the chaos that ensued was a complete mess to manage. One patient pulled a nice chunk of hair from another patient and a younger patient threw a folding chair hitting someone, kicked a patient, and punched another patient square in the face. Talk about drama!! In the grand aspect, it was pretty entertaining although the stress of the moment forced me into an anxiety attack. The evening was salvaged when my wonderful friends stopped by with some Thanksgiving food. My parents were in Phoenix with my grandfather helping take care of things that needed attending to since my grandmother passed away in the spring and my sister spent Thanksgiving with her new boyfriend.

All in all…It reminded me how grateful I am for my own personal mental sanity and for the amazing friends who take the time to think of me when they’re with their own loved ones.

Looking Up

2008-11-25T00:57:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update before bed…

I can’t believe how quickly this month has flown by! In two days it’ll be Thanksgiving and I’ve got so much to be thankful for. Aspen’s surgery went well and she’s recovering much quicker than anyone imagined she would! In fact, she’s already passed out from an entire day of lounging around the house. She lives a rough life! This week also marks the second full month that I’ve been working at the hospital :-) It feels like I’ve been there forever and I’m already beginning to see some repeat offenders. With tonight’s admissions, I think I’ve seen 5-6 patients who are or who have returned through the system. It’s been overwhelmingly stressful the past week or so and I even had two anxiety attacks from the stress but I’m still standing strong with the intentions of sticking around. I really DO love my job! Things with SC and I have finally settled down and we’ve gone days without having deep text conversations while lying in bed. There’s another one from work who is interested in me but I know things won’t be progressing anywhere. The wedding reception and brunch in Atlanta was superb and it was exquisite to reunite with an old friend from high school. Finally, I landed an interview with another mental health facility as a PRN Treatment Counselor. Basically it’ll be the same type of work but at a different facility with a more distinctive population.

That’s all the energy I have for now but stay tuned for a more in-depth update! Namaste -

Adjusting the Lenses

2008-11-19T13:53:00.001-07:00

I’ve come to the realization that there is only a limited amount I can do in the world. No matter how much light and love I shed upon the world; I’ll never be able to completely illuminate it. Despite the power of the sun, it’s always night on half the planet. For all the good you do, there will always be darkness. I don’t know why I never saw it before. I’m so enveloped in my belief in total balance that I couldn’t even see the skewed perspective I’m looking at the world from. It’s time to leave behind the greatest sin of all – regret. I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because there are so many times that I’ve been afraid to live. No More! I’m gonna find support for myself in the love that consumes every minute of life’s mountain because it’s that love which directs and justifies my every step. I’ve found that the only way to make the right decision is to know what the wrong direction. Regarding the answers of life, each of us knows what the answers are, even before someone tells us what they are. Life teaches us lessons every minute, and the secret is to accept that only in our daily lives can we show ourselves to be as wise as Solomon and as powerful as Alexander the Great!

I can’t touch every single individual live I come in contact with but I can show compassion and love perpetually. Because what is compassion? It’s essentially concern for others’ welfare, their happiness and their suffering. So as a compassionate person, I’ll feel concerned when others are miserable and do the best I can to free them of their suffering. It’s not something to limit to just family and friends but a commitment that extends to every living being whether human or sentient. People want happiness and satisfaction in life and when we realize this discover our own happiness by opening our minds and being empathetic to those around us. The small, insignificant things that bother us in our own lives melt away and we find a peace of mind that cannot be found when we’re completely engulfed in our own lives.

I work with battered and torn children. They’re neat! They’re love and a constant reminder of how fragile life is. They all have problems but don’t we all? With all of my heart and soul, I know I don’t need to be a Gandhi or a Mother Theresa to change the world. I’m working my own miracles by giving these precious individuals a reason to keep fighting the good fight. This is my vow, a vow of love for all humanity. I will not rest until all the children are well. This realization is remarkable! The past months I’ve viewed my life as a “transition” but in reality, I’ve been learning and growing. I have not been stagnating as I originally thought. In fact, I settled perfectly and precisely into the role I’ve longed for but I didn’t see it because I thought I could only accomplish that change from a position of power or social recognition. I don’t need to be a CEO of a nonprofit or the head of a humanitarian effort. I’m DOING IT in my daily life! You can too!! I have friends all over the world who are longing for the same thing I so passionately sought. They are fighting the good fight and positively influencing the world either by influencing others or individually by being truly good people. I have a dear friend who is pursuing her nursing degree in California. I hear about her life daily and can see the flame within her. I have another friend who is teaching on the east coast. She doesn’t see the impact she has on her students nor does she see that she is helping send her children into the world with the necessary tools to change the world. Another friend is in Chicago becoming a priest. In today’s mentality, we need spiritual leaders and counselors more than any of us realize. A friend in Spokane is spreading her wings and changing the world by being love manifest in a single beautiful person. There are so many more outstanding people in my life who are making a difference and who have helped me find my path. To you, I express my deepest gratitude. The world would not be the same without you.

Speeding Through Life

2008-11-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

I’m actually not speeding through life but I did get a speeding ticket today. I was coming home from getting my car maintained and an officer on a motorcycle pulled me over for going 49 in a 35. He asked me what the speed limit was and I told him I honestly thought it was 55. I actually did! He told me that the speed limit changed about 3 blocks back and I apologized. He still wrote me the ticket but said that he would include in his report that I was compliant and that he believes if I would have known that the speed limit had changed, I would have slowed down.

Today was actually a very bright day! The weather was nice and I got plenty of things taken care of that I’ve been meaning to do. I picked up some new clothes and splurged on Iron Man, I got my car maintenanced and took care of some of the chores around the house. I was supposed to work tonight but got called off because the hospital patient census is low and they didn’t want to pay me overtime this week. Tomorrow, I have to return to the dealer to get my window looked at but I’m planning on getting a few of my TELF lessons caught up and finish a book I’m reading.

Today was one of the first days in a while that I didn’t speak to the girl at work. I don’t really want to use her name so we’ll go with SC. I’ve been slightly distancing myself from her for so I can get over the feelings I had for her a little faster. We both still want to hang out but I explained what I needed and she said she would do whatever she can so that we can still be friends. We normally have a text conversation before bedtime but I think that needs to stop. She has a boyfriend and I don’t want to complicate things any further with that.

As for an update with my dog… My parents decided to have the large tumors removed. I’m worried that the doctor will be right and many more will appear but if it gives me another year or two with Aspen, than I’ll take it. She’s in a lot of pain. She has stitches along the left side of her body and above her left eye. She’s pretty lethargic and quite possibly caught Kennel Cough. I spent the entire day I was home making sure she wasn’t scratching or chewing her stitches.

Finally, I wanted to thank my dear friend Jenn for mentioning me in her blog – New Beginnings. “I'm also tagging Jeremy at Seasons of Change because I really enjoy reading his blog and following along as he helps change the world for the better! So you have now been awarded and if you're feeling up to it, pass the award on :)” It’s nice to know people are reading and occasionally leaving comments. I encourage everyone who reads my blog to comment. Let me know if there are things you want to hear about that I haven’t mentioned or even things that you want to hear MORE about!

Winter Frost on the Windows

2008-11-11T01:17:00.000-07:00

You ever notice how listening to Frank Sinatra can just put you in a good mood?? I’m listening to Sinatra right now after a long day at work. I've been in down mood lately. I feel like I can't accomplish anything and its disheartening. The girl situation has been bothering me and I'm kinda getting stressed about going back to school and finding a second job. I’m on day 8 of my 12 straight day work schedule and I can’t wait for the weekend. The kids on the unit aren’t really taking advantage of their treatment and are really more shitheads than individuals I can get through to. They refuse to talk about their issues and are very defiant. I’ve noticed that it’s really a cycle. Some kids are inspirational and others are just in the hospital as a legal punishment for their behavior in their own lives. I guess it’s alright though. It doesn’t really require much emotional investment and really gives me the energy to focus on some of my own things I need to focus on.

The girl I was interested in at work and I have worked things out and we’ve decided to go the friend route. If life situations were different, maybe something would have happened but to be honest, I kissed the girl when alcohol was involved. There’s no way of telling whether it was the alcohol talking or whether the feelings are sound. I realize I got caught up in it more than I should have but I also realize I have a history of that. When I fall for a girl, I trip and stumble and act a fool until I get my bearings back. I dealt with it productively by power cleaning my room and bathroom and I feel much better. She’s actually going to help set me up with one of the new techs at work who is pretty cute. People at work are starting to read too much into things anyways and as we all know, people at work love to gossip. We really don’t want to be the subject of that nonsense so we’re cutting it off at the root.

On a downside, my dog which I love just as much as my Semester at Sea travels is really sick. She has countless mini tumors on her and her breathing and physical activity is suffering. The vet said it would cost 800 dollars to have the tumors removed but guaranteed that twice as many would reappear and that it would be much more uncomfortable for the dog once that happens. I cried last night when I tried imagining living without my dog, Aspen. She’s almost 12 years old and is the dog I really grew up with. My family got her when I was in middle school and she’s been the best companion I could ever ask for. When I would leave for school, she waited for me for about 2 weeks in front of my bedroom door and refused to do anything except eat and go outside to use the restroom. When I came home, she followed me everywhere and ignored the rest of my family. Now every time I come home from work, she wiggles her but and shakes her tail in excitement. She sleeps at the foot of my bed and likes it when I talk to her. She always tilts her head left and right when I ask her questions and actually scuffs at me when I say something stupid. So much character and such a good friend.

My plans for the rest of the week are to hopefully crack through the shell and reach at least one patient. I wanna know that my 12 day streak wasn’t spent in vain. Getting caught up on my TEFL would be nice as well but I know it’s gonna be a busy week. Finally, I want to get back into my music. I’ve been writing a song on the piano forever and I’d like to finish it sometime soon. I’m finding that not participating in music is really affecting me lately. Music was one of the most important parts of my college years and strangely, I just abandoned it when I started working. There’s no excuse for that. Hearing from friends would be nice too. I’ve kinda gone MIA and haven’t really spoken to anyone outside of work for the past month or so.

A quick update

2008-11-04T01:04:00.000-07:00

So I apologize for letting my emotions get carried away. I’ve decided that the last post should be removed just in case she runs a Google search on me and finds my blog. It’s was a little ridiculous anyways.

As for a quick update, I’ve begun applying for jobs. I’m not going to quit my current job but I am looking for a little more income. I applied to be a mental health worker at Penrose St. Francis Hospital last night and will hopefully be hearing back from them shortly. The PRN position I applied for doesn’t work very many shifts throughout the month but it will be a slightly higher pay since I won’t be accepting health benefits. Additionally, I’m getting excited and anxious to go back to school in the Spring. I think my official start date is January 23, 2009. I think I’ll only be taking 2 classes to see how I can balance it with work. If manageable, I’ll pick up another one or two the summer semester.

What a Weekend

2008-11-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend was filled with such a potpourri of emotions that I wanted to get some of my thoughts out. Halloween weekend was a blast! I had to work the night of Halloween but I had an absolutely amazing evening. I celebrated with the kids and had absolutely no problems. We programmed with a Halloween theme and we brought in candy and decorated the milieu. After work, I met up with some friends and we all dressed up. We hit up the bars and blew off any pressures built up from the week. It was probably the most relaxed I had seen any of my new friends and I really felt like I was starting to make my way fully into the group. The next day, I spent the evening with one of those new friends. We had beers and watched a few movies. Things got a little out of control but not in the sense that people immediately think. I kissed a friend I shouldn’t have because of various external factors. I feel bad about it but I’m also a little confused as to what I really want out of it. For my avid readers, I apologize but I won’t be getting any further into details here.

I also had a conflict with the parents. A pack of cigarettes fell out of one of my pockets and my mother got really agitated about it. I realize she is only looking out for my health and wellbeing but the manner in which she expressed her discontent really put me off. Later that evening, my father forced me to have the conversation about the smoking and for some reason I just broke down. I expressed my personal sense of failure because I’m living at home. I talked about some of the reasons I haven’t really been pursing another job and it really is because I love what I do. It’s just really stressful at times and smoking seemed like a better alternative than going back to my excessive drinking. I made a realization that my parents have two separate perspectives and that they are different individuals who focus on different things. My mother is judgmental and my father is much more open minded and understanding than I’ve ever given him credit for. He shared praises that I’ve never heard from him before and it was a shaking experience for me. The conversation really gave me some food for thought.

I guess the main point I’m trying to express in this post is that I’m still learning. My perspective can always be shaken and life is always throwing me challenges that I have to deal with.

Thoughts in a Coffee Shop

2008-10-29T12:54:00.001-06:00

I’m sitting here in a coffee shop about an hour before work and I’m pretty exhausted from an intense hour of Yoga. I haven’t gone in about two weeks because I haven’t been willing to sacrifice the precious sleep that my body has been demanding. But I’m back at it and I’m hoping to take it to the next level. One of the reasons I stopped going besides the sleep was the fact that I was beginning to go for the wrong reason. I found myself motivated by who was instructing instead of my own personal wellbeing. It’s funny how a beautiful smile can do that. So for my better interests, I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to go to B’s classes for a little while. I need to get back into practice for my sanity. There are plenty of other instructors who have just as much to offer without providing an additional reason to show. In case you’re wondering, nothing bad happened between us. I just think it would be better to get into a personal routine, void of distractions. B’s going to Thailand in January anyways.

As of now, I’m on the cusp of a new adventure. I’m now officially proclaiming that I’m going back to school. I was just accepted into the Nursing Program at Pikes Peak Community College on Saturday and I’ll begin taking classes in the spring. It’s a two year program but it will probably take me an additional semester to finish pre-req’s. Because of this new turn of events, I’ll be postponing my decision to join the military. I’ll be reevaluating the situation once I’m finished with the program. Thank you to everyone who I’ve spoken to about my decision to pursue my RN. I really got a lot of support in Portland from the friends I reconnected with as well as friends from SAS and high school. I’m truly honored to have such supportive and loving friends.

A brief update on work, things are still wonderful and the kids are just as amazing as ever. Last night, I had a conversation with a teenage girl who is battling an eating disorder. I laid it out for her and told her that there were other ways to take control of her life as well as her physical appearance in much more positive ways than what she was doing. When she thanked me for taking the time to talk with her and ask why we work at the hospital with such messed up kids, I told her it’s because we really care about the patients. I’ve said this many times before but this time it really struck a nerve. Maybe it was because this girl reminded me of all the other people in my life struggling with eating disorders or maybe it was the first time I sincerely meant it. Driving home that night, I felt overwhelmed by emotions. I’ve been longing so hard to be that change that I’ve been doing it without even realizing it. I’m actually making a difference in the lives of other people and it feels good. I feel like I’m doing something that means something to someone else and as dumb and vague as that sounds, it’s so uplifting. It’s like I’ve just filled an endless void that I never thought I’d actually fill.

LPN or RN??

2008-10-24T01:01:00.001-06:00

This post is really for those of you who are well versed in the medical field. I’m trying to balance the differences between LPN and RN. I’ve been speaking with a number of professionals in the medical field and I’m hearing conflicting things so I want to hear from my friends who are actively serving as nurses. Can I be an RN with just an AA? If so, what’s the timeline that I should be looking at in terms of years of school? I’ve heard that I can be an RN with an AA but I’ve also heard that that’s not the case. If it IS the case, then you should know that I just sent my application to Pikes Peak Community College today but I want to make sure I’m in the right program before I actually start paying tuition and taking classes. The only classes I figure I can transfer depending on which school I go to are English Comp., General Psychology and Sociology, and Statistics. I haven’t looked into my Chemistry class but I’m sure it won’t be a problem considering it was an advanced class for nursing majors.

Wheatley Wedding Pictures

2008-10-22T11:43:00.000-06:00

Love

Cutting of the Cake

Maid of Honor Toast

Best Matron Toast

Move to Thailand and SNOW!!

2008-10-22T11:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was quite the day! Sadly, I missed yoga because I slept through my alarm and for 11.5 hours. When I woke up and realized what I had done, I was a little upset. Well…I knew I couldn’t get to the studio and walk in late so I waited until the class was scheduled to end and still made it down for a visit. For those of you who aren’t really up to date, I kinda have a thing for one of the instructors. For the time being, we’ll call her B. She’s one of the younger instructors although she’s 6 years older than me. She’s lived in Colorado Springs for 3 months now and just got back from spending 2.5 years in Asia teaching Yoga. We connected on our traveling experiences and are growing closer as we discover more that we have in common. Unfortunately, our work schedules are completely the opposite of each other with me working evenings. We’re trying to find time when we can connect outside of the yoga studio and outside of work. She’s a really great woman and I’m finding myself coming up with reasons to see her. Hmm… anyways, while this “thing” is exciting the bad news is, she just signed a 6 month contract to return to Thailand to teach yoga and she’ll be leaving the first week in January. I knew she was planning on relocating for a little it but I didn’t imagine it would be outside of the country again, not that I can really blame her. She told me after the last yoga students of the day’s class left. She was also very quick to invite me to go visit and promised we’d have a blast. I’m not really sure if I’ve got the cash to splurge on a trip to Thailand but we’ll see how I feel by January.

On a different note, work last night was tiresome. I had to mediate a conflict resolution between two patients. One patient allegedly physically assaulted another younger patient and left some fairly intensive bruises. I had to explain to the parents of both parties what had been reported and explain their legal rights. I also had to monitor the police examination and help with the report. It was the first day, I found myself not wanting to be at the hospital. Let’s hope this evening goes much smoother!

Finally, last night was the first snow storm of the season! It snowed 2 inches at my house in Monument. While driving home from work, it was basically white out conditions which were both a shock and a bitch to drive through. The wind was fierce too; trying desperately to push my car off the highway. I love the snow though! The days are so much brighter and exude an energy that just makes you feel happy and uplifted.

Wedding Thoughts and Good Times

2008-10-20T00:04:00.000-06:00

After an exciting but long week of work, I finally reunited with several of my friends for a joyous occasion, the marriage of Chris Wheatley and Michelle Nilsen. I’ve been looking forward to this event for a while and can’t believe how quickly it arrived. Thinking back, I still remember when Chris told me he was going to propose. When he told me, I sensed something in him I’ve never seen before. It was happiness so rare and pure that absolutely nothing in the world could ever break it. I saw that same happiness in Michelle when I saw her at the announcement dinner. This summer, I finally left Spokane and returned to my beautiful home state. I haven’t been back to the Pacific Northwest since. It felt good coming back. Friday morning began a little before 5am and I didn’t arrive at the airport terminal until 7:30. David Gaines’ connection was in Denver and we spent the majority of the flight to Portland catching up on life. Once in Portland, my friend Rachel picked us up from the airport and took us to lunch. After lunch, she went back to work and David and I headed to the church to practice music and orient ourselves. I picked Rachel up from work and we both headed to the rehearsal. Dinner was fabulous although a little chaotic and filled with enjoyable stories and great company. After dinner, Rachel and I headed back to her place to grab her debit card and the plan was to rejoin everyone at the hotel for a night at the bar. Well…that didn’t happen because the tunnel we needed to go through to get back to the hotel was closed for cleaning. Yeah, you read that correctly. They were power washing the tiles of the 26 West tunnel around 9pm. Needless to say, Rachel and I never made it back to the hotel. We watched the movie 21 and had wine back at her apartment. I had a little bit too much to drink and I’ll just leave it at that.

Saturday, Chris and the groomsmen were pampered and treated to massages. They were full body massages and I really must add that David had a male masseuse whose name was Roberto. David said it was not really awkward except for the fact that the man was whispering to him. When I heard this, I laughed SO HARD!! Anyways, after the massages, had lunch at the Cheesecake factory and spent the rest of the day relaxing before heading to the church. Pictures were taken before the ceremony and although it was pretty cold, I was told I couldn’t complain because, “the men at least have jackets while the bridesmaids are freezing.” Chris looked pretty slick and Michelle was absolutely gorgeous. The ceremony went quickly and I’ll admit I had to fight back a few tears when I saw Chris cry a little bit. Even more strangely, it was at that point when I accepted the notion that I think I could be ready to think about marriage. This is absolutely not saying that I’m gonna start looking desperately for a woman just to get married but it’s simply saying that the idea isn’t something I’ll immediately dismiss anymore. The reception was a blast and I’m thankful for new friends and FAMILY, especially Kari and Laura – sisters of the bride and groom.

It’s gonna take a lot to top this weekend! Pics to be posted later...

Winter's Coming

2008-10-12T13:49:00.000-06:00

Writing this, I’m completely and utterly drained as I spent my weekend in Fort Collins with two of the most amazing people I have in my life right now. I went up for CSU’s Homecoming weekend and got to meet Raine and Carina’s parents. I adore them and had the wonderful opportunity to speak with them about the upward struggle of the career oriented world and gained valuable insight into my own path. The main message I took was that it’s really important that you do something that you find meaning in. In our economy, it’s tempting to look for high salary paying jobs with comprehensive benefit packages but it’s not worth it if you’re not happy. The economy IS SHITTY right now and there’s nothing we can immediately do about it…So do the best with what you’ve got and keep on pushin. In my situation, I don’t get paid as much as someone with a college degree should expect but I do have healthcare, dental, and vision. More importantly I enjoy what I do. I love working with my staff and the patients and I feel like I have a reason to get out of bed each day. I know that I’m making a difference in peoples’ lives and helping them find ways to cope with their insecurities and internal conflicts. I finally see that I’m beginning to be that Change…

It’s an exciting and uplifting transition and I’m beginning to discover perspectives I’ve never seen in myself. I’m happier and I see the world through brighter eyes. I notice more love and compassion in others and it motivates me to be an even MORE compassionate individual in this collective mix of working-class professionals. I think people are viewing me differently as well. I have a title and an institution behind me. I’m a Mental Health Technician and I provide structured treatment to community members who have fallen due to mental illnesses, chemical and substance dependencies, results of traumatic experience, and victims of violence, neglect and abuse. I care for the people who are discarded by society in hopes of healing them back to a point where society will accept them again. I am a healer, a teacher, a caregiver, a lover, a protector, an advocate, a guardian, a foundation, and a peace keeper.

Appropriately, the season is beginning to change here in Colorado. This weekend marked the early signs of the winter to come. Winter is quickly approaching and it’s going to be filled with beauty and awesomeness. Pikes Peak has revealed the season’s first snow on the Front Range. There’s been talk about the mountain towns already getting several feet of snow which means it’s going to be a great season for skiing. The aspen trees are shedding their leaves and displaying luminous variations of yellow and gold. It’s certainly a sight to see. With the season’s change comes an opportunity to change within ourselves. I think it’s going to be a great winter.

New Strides

2008-10-08T01:18:00.001-06:00

It’s 1:13am and I wanted to get a quick update out. We had a fairly considerable turnover on the unit with 4 new admits today and 2 more scheduled tonight. The kids are wonderful and it breaks my heart to see some of them leave. It’s good because a lot of them are on the right track and are learning some constructive coping methods but it sucks that I don’t get to see them anymore. We’re doing great things with these children.

A quick update on the Yoga instructor. I got to see her again today and finally got the nerve to ask for her phone number. I got her number and we’re gonna try and see if we can get our schedules to work out so we can spend some time outside of work. Aside from teaching Yoga, she’s also a part-time bartender.

A Fire Ignited

2008-10-06T10:03:00.001-06:00

I want more from this life. I’m not content with the status quo and the way things are. I feel like I’m falling back into stagnation and its killing me! I’m a 24 year old man who is living at home with the parents and working a job that I love but doesn’t really pay well enough for my situation to change. Colorado Springs is stifling and I don’t really know anyone around here. Most of my friends are up in Denver and Fort Collins which is all good and well but that means its far and few between when I actually see them. I need more excitement and accomplishment to fill my void.

I was talking on the phone with a friend the other night and we were talking about lighting the world ablaze with our gifts and talents and as I spoke to her, I realized how much I long to do something spectacular. It’s all about small steps and like building a fire, you’ve gotta start small. I get that. I really do! But how long before I can actually get my hands dirty and start doing? Taking the quote from John Lennon that was posted on my friend’s blog, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I feel like life is passing me by and I’m somehow missing it. Where’s the opportunity to be passionate? Where’s the opportunity to use my compassion creatively and constructively? It’s times like these when I question the change in myself spurred from that voyage of the world. If I hadn’t gone, would I be here questioning these things or would I be content with the regular routine?

I guess what I’m really questioning is whether or not I’ve been truly in touch with what I want or need. It kills me to admit this but I’m lonely. I don’t really have a social network here to help me when I’m feeling down or even when I need the social interaction of peers and people my own age. I went up to Denver yesterday to see an old high school friend and observed a budding new relationship developing and I could see from my friend that it was an invigorating and exciting experience. I want to meet new people and experience that for myself. At least in Washington, my friends were either in Spokane or Seattle. They weren’t spread all over. I feel like I’m closing up or that my personality is changing because I don’t have people to surround myself with.

2 Weeks of Training and I'm Set

2008-10-04T11:53:00.000-06:00

Well, I survived the first two weeks of orientation and shadowing and it’s been quite the experience. I shadowed on the Child Acute, Residential, Chemical Dependency, Connections, and Adult Units and I’m happy that I got to transfer to the Child Acute Unit. The children are much easier to manage on the Child Acute and there’s a quick turnover rate. Some of the children in the long term units are a handful and I don’t think I possess the necessary patience to deal with some of them. One patient in the Residential Unit had to be put in locked seclusion for two hours and just kept screaming and banging her head against the wall. It was all for attention and when I witness this, I was shocked! The staff said it happens all the time. On the Connections Unit which houses children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I had to step in for two managements which are physical restraints. You wouldn’t believe how strong some of these 8 and 10 year olds are!! It took three of us fairly large staff members to contain the 10 year old. I got a nice kick to the ribs and managed to escape from several bite attempts. Needless to say, no one ever stays at Connections. Overall, the shadowing was a great experience. I found out from the person who makes the schedules that everyone requested me to be transferred to their units. I didn't quite believe this but when I was given my new unit, I was told that I could go anywhere else I wanted to because my performance during orientiation was so great. It's nice to hear things like that.

This month is full of traveling and joyous festivities. Next weekend I’m going up to Fort Collins to participate in the Homecoming Race at CSU and see some friends. The following weekend, I’m off to Portland for a wedding and the weekend after that, my cousin is getting married. Fortunately, I was able to get the weekends off, which isn’t something that will regularly happen. The policy at the hospital is that employees are required to work every other weekend to make things fair. Seems like a reasonable policy to me. It’ll be good to get out and see people. Aside from work, I spend much of my time alone and its kinda a bummer. There aren’t too many people to hang out with in the Springs and the people from work all live in south Colorado Springs which is the opposite of where I live. The rest of my friends live in Denver, Boulder, and Fort Collins which are all at least an hour away.

With my new work schedule, I haven’t been able to make it to Yoga either. The classes I normally go to are in the afternoon and since I’m working 3-11:30, I can’t make them. The morning classes are way too early for me. I get home around 12:15am and the morning classes start anywhere from 6am to 8am. I guess I have to get used to my new schedule.

Change always comes with adjustment.

First Day and a Preferred Unit

2008-09-27T00:12:00.000-06:00

What a day!! Today marked the beginning of my first day with Cedar Springs and it was incredible!!! I shadowed in the Child/Adolescent Acute Unit and loved it. There were a total of 16 patients on the unit and by the end of the shift, I had already established rapport with each and every one of them and can even recite their names from memory and a little about each one. The shift started off slowly but picked up rapidly. Beginning of shift report followed by environmental checks and right into patient check in. Patients self rated their emotions and gave indications of their mood, anger, and likelihood of misconduct. Believe it or not, they were very accurate as the evening progressed. Psych-education on coping strategies was presented by the senior MHT and I got a glimpse of what I’d eventually be doing. The patients were exceptionally responsive to me and I have a feeling it’s because I was the only male staff member on duty. I noticed the patients were much more compliant if I asked patients to stand down versus my female counterparts. Dinner and free time followed before visitation hours. No major problem except for one patient was set into a behavior and another one was observed trying to manipulate their parent/guardian. I intervened and prevented an uninformed parent from consenting to additional medication treatment. Patients were sent to bed following visitation hours and I got an inside scoop from some of the other staff members on what to really expect. Although I’ve already been assigned to the Adult Acute Unit, I think I’ll put in a request to stay on the night shift on the Child Acute Unit. There’s something about the kids that I really enjoy.

Already Drained

2008-09-24T22:42:00.001-06:00

Whew! What an exhausting past three days. The first two days of orientation were boring but today I was in for a real treat. Today we learned about managements and restraints. Managements are a verbal de-escalation technique and restraints are physical contacts used to prevent individuals from harming themselves or others. While restraints are to be avoided for the obvious reasons, the most important is for the safety of myself!!! The likelihood of getting injured is almost guaranteed to happen if a restraint is used. I heard a horror story about a situation that happened last night and one of the kitchen staff got a nice chunk of skin bitten on her hand. Needless to say, I took the training very seriously and during one of the practices got taken down HARD by the instructor. I got a lovely head butt to the chin and it required 4 people to help me hold down one guy. Can’t wait to see how beat up I get tomorrow!

It’s getting late so I’m gonna wrap up here but wanted to mention that I had a great time tonight at dinner with Katie Bruce in Denver and that I find out tomorrow whether or not I advance on to the next stage of my Teach for America Application :-) Wish me luck!

Day 1

2008-09-22T23:53:00.000-06:00

First day of work and I didn’t have any regrets or hesitations. In fact, I’m really looking forward to the new job and I think its gonna be a great opportunity to gain some valuable experience. Cedar Springs is a top notch Psychiatric Hospital with a For-Profit Mission. I know, surprising! This will be my first For-Profit organization I’m working for and it’s an interesting philosophy. The philosophy is geared more towards superior service and customer service. The overall mentality is that patient treatment starts at the door and doesn’t end until our clients have successfully moved on and reintegrated successfully back into society. I can’t wait to jump into my actual job position.

Work aside, I had the pleasure of having a coffee date with Rachel Proctor and it was so great to reconnect with a fellow Gonzaga Alum. We had a chance to talk about her trip to Korea and I updated her on the happenings of my life. I took a break from Yoga ever since the accident and I started up again tonight. My preferred Yoga instructor and I had an opportunity to talk before hand I started getting to know her beyond the studio. She just got back three months ago from teaching Yoga in Asia for the past two and a half years and now she’s trying to find her bearings back in the States. I don’t want to share too much of her personal information here because I don’t really think that would be too appropriate but I will share that I think we’re really connecting. She’s a little older than anyone I’ve ever been interested in but I think I’m willing to look beyond the number of years behind her. We have a lot in common and I’m really interested to see what develops.

On a final note, I'm booking my flight to Flordia for my January vacation and I'm so excited about it!! Turks and Caicos with my baby sister :-)

A World Off Balance

2008-09-19T15:32:00.001-06:00

I feel compelled to write and record but my heart just isn’t into it. For those of you who don’t know, a friend of mine passed away on Thursday. He was riding his bike to work and was hit by a dump truck and killed. Collin and I went to school together and I got to know him through the school’s a capella group. The previous post is the perfect articulation of what the Big Bing Theory Family is so I won’t go into it. I just don’t see how any of it makes sense. I’ve heard from several people that it was the Lord’s Plan to take him or that it happened for a reason. I’m sorry but absolutely do not buy into that. I think it’s a load of crap. How is it the Lord’s Plan or what possible explanation is there for such a senseless loss of life? There isn’t. The world is off balance because the positive energy of Collin is lost.

When I received a text message from David, I sensed some urgency but figured it had to do with the plane tickets we were trying to coordinate for Chris and Michelle’s wedding. When he told me of the accident, I reacted in disbelief. I thanked him for passing the news on to me and immediately called Marie Gibbons and Claire McCloy to see how they were doing. I feel the news was still processing. After I got off the phone, I sat at my desk, still in disbelief. It wasn’t until later that evening when it finally got to me. Through my tears, my mother convinced me to reach out to my friends for support and I made the necessary calls I needed to make in order to regain my composure. For those of you who I connected with, I offer my eternal gratitude. I went to sleep last night with grief heavy on my heart.

Collin’s Vigil Service was held at Gonzaga this evening and the funeral service will be next week in Bozeman, MT. For those of you, who follow my postings; please offer a moment for my friend. Also, take the time to reach out to a few people in your life and let them know how important they are. They could be people you’ve lost touch with or people far away. Just let them know that they’re loved and appreciated.

A Tribute to Collin Keck

2008-09-19T15:32:00.000-06:00

Dear BBT Family:It is with mixed emotions that I address you this evening. Joy and excitement for the new members to our family. Yet sorrow and a sense of loss at the news of one of our own, Collin Keck. As I attempt to gather my thoughts for a second time (I tried sending a typical "Brock" epic e-mail earlier but it crashed and I lost it), I'm brought back to the theme of family.

We are a family, those of you who are new have probably witnessed this fact already. We share our lives with each other, share our hopes, our dreams. We form relationships and commit to each other. We laugh, cry, eat (and eat), talk, travel, listen, stay up, sleep, fight, argue, run, walk, offend, and forgive (some of us offending more than others, sorry to all of you who suffered through my dictatorship!). We sing our hearts out, we support each other, we form relationships, we mess up relationships, we knock each other down and pick each other up. We know each other in ways that only a family member truly can. You are each a part of the family. It is our family, yours and mine, protect it, cherish it, love it, and spread that love to one another.

The group changes each year. Each of us brings something individual and unique. When one member leaves the group, they are never replaced, they can't be, but a new member comes in and the group transforms, the family grows. Nobody ever leaves this family and all of us, past BBT and present, are bound together in a way that can not be undone. Collin is a part of our family. I never was blessed with the opportunity to sing with Collin during his time in BBT. I graduated (with his brother) prior to his joining the group. Likewise, I never was able to spend much time with him. I was able to meet and talk with him on a couple of occasions. However, it didn't take long to see the type of young man that Collin was. He laughed, he loved, he lived. It took only a moment of watching those of you around him to see how he touched each of your lives. His memory will live on in each of us, in each of you, for we all shared in being a part of something greater than ourselves. Collin shared himself with us, we now must share Collin with the world.

Tragedy, especially unexptected tragedy, has a way of sticking with us. It is hard to come to grips with what happened, it may be even more difficult when contemplating why. While Collin is no longer physicaly present with us, his soul will live on, a soul that crossed our paths. The Lord works in mysterious ways and in Him we find peace. As a family we are here for each other. We can support each other and be open with each other. Sorrow and grief, sadness and lack of comprehension are all a part of the healing process. Our family, the BBT family, is here for each of you now, and will be here for each of us always. The memories made, the experiences shared, they are a part of us, they will be forever. Collin was a wonderful young man, and he is with us. In our thoughts, in our prayers, in our consolations to each other.

I don't want to end on too serious of a note, but I want to thank each and every one of you for being in the Family. You are BBT and I love each and every one of you. Should you need anything don't hesitate to ask. On that note, per David's e-mail the funeral will likely be in Bozeman. I just happen to live in Bozeman! Thus, should anybody need me to help them line up a place to stay or need a ride to/from the airport, let me know. its what family does for each other.

I ask that you each keep Collin, his parents, brother, friends and family in your prayers through this time. Know that you are all in mine.

God be with you and BBT love,

Brock Athman

BBT '00-'05Director '02-'05

Finally...Some Fresh Air

2008-09-15T23:26:00.000-06:00

“I feel like you’ve made tons of life changing decisions in the past two weeks.” Thanks Raine for pointing that out =) It’s true, just when I was idling in stagnation, I managed to find myself in a complete freefall into the unknown! My last posting painted some broad strokes on my life’s canvass and within just a week or so; I’ve turned a rough outline into a picture with some major potential.

I’ve got a different job now! Not only is it NOT promoting materialism, it’s incorporating my psychology education by allowing me to share my gifts and energy with others. This past Monday, I accepted a position with Colorado Springs’ Psychiatric Hospital, Cedar Springs. I’m now a Mental Health Technician assigned to the evening adult acute care unit. I’ll be assisting in the direct care and management of adolescents and adults, as determined by the Treatment Plan, Program Structure, and presenting issues/behaviors of the patients, residents, and students. I’ll be providing continual supervision, safety, crisis management, and therapeutic interventions as well as assisting with implementing the program structure and the safe delivery of care to promote wellness of the individual clients.

In addition to the direction in the working realm of my life, my yoga practices are steadily advancing. Tonight, I was invited by one of my instructors to attend her advanced class. I’ve been going now for nearly 3 weeks and I’ve been increasing the number of classes I attend weekly. For those of you who don’t know, I’m the handyman for both Yoga studios in Colorado Springs. Instead of a paycheck, I’ve opted for free Yoga. It’s kind of a part time job but I work my own hours and I’m needed maybe once a week for very small tasks. I love it!!

Something New!

2008-09-09T23:10:00.000-06:00

So I found a job…the only thing is I’m not too excited about it. It’s really not the type of job I’m interested in but I do realize that it’ll help pay the bills and keep me afloat for the moment. Please try not to laugh out loud. Say hello to the newest BP Woman’s Shoes Salesman for Nordstrom. Before you say anything, don’t even bother. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve temporarily sold out and instead of resisting materialism; I’m now actively promoting it. Believe me, this isn’t something I’m overjoyed for. In my defense, I’ve applied to literally more jobs than anyone should have to apply for in a lifetime and it gets kind of discouraging. Eventually, you can’t be so picky as long as you know that it’s something necessary for the present moment. And while the present doesn’t look so great, I look to the future with blissful anticipation.

In October, I get the privilege of supporting two of my closest friends as they join together in marriage. I’m a groomsman for Chris Wheatley and Michelle Nilsen’s Wedding in Portland, OR. The following weekend, I’m celebrating as my cousin Susan, joins families with a great guy named Simon. November brings me to Georgia to attend a long time friend’s wedding reception. My friend recently got married in the Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean! The next trip is coincidentally destined to the Turks and Caicos followed by an immediate relocation to Illinois. 9 weeks of Naval Officer Training as I begin a number of years serving in the Naval Reserve.

After that, who knows what’s in store for me…

So About That…

2008-09-04T17:30:00.000-06:00

If you’re reading this, you should know that I’m kinda a big deal. You might be wondering what has gotten into me to make such a blunt and almost cocky statement. Well, here’s the reason why…I’ve come to the realization that I’m human. Not only am I human, but more specifically, I’m Jeremy Boedigheimer, a young man who is engulfed in a passion not only to change the world but to be that change. As I strive to release compassion and love into the world, I discover the world transforming me. Self-reflection has revealed many impurities in me but also the treasures that reside within my soul.

Today marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I’ve earned one more year of life experience and I’m ready to face and accept the new challenges and opportunities that lie ahead. To accomplish this, I need a solid grasp of my foundation and the ability to balance what life throws my way. Incorporating Yoga into my life is really helping me do this. Instead of stressing where my next paycheck comes from or how I’m going to make ends meet, I’m learning to patiently relax. With that said, I would like to share with you some of the major life decisions I’ve been considering…

While traveling is one of the most important passions in my life, I’m going to divert my energy towards focusing on getting my feet off the ground. I need to hone in on my professional skills and begin to create a future for me. That is why I’ve decided to join the military service as a Reserve Officer. Committing up to six years of service will provide me with the technical skills to actively engage in the civilian world by providing a means to pursuing a graduate education as well as further developing my leadership potential. I’m also applying to Teach for America. I see quality education as the key towards making a positive impact on not only our American culture but on the rest of the world.

2008-08-27T22:15:00.000-06:00

With my life seemingly in a stagnant state, I wanted to do something to reinvigorate myself and make life a little more goal oriented. I had the pleasure of driving my friend Trish to Fort Collins yesterday and one of the topics of conversation touched upon what I want to do. I slightest inkling and had to truthfully reply, I don’t know anymore. She replied by saying SAS ruined us for life. Later on that night when I got back home I started thinking about that conversation. Is it true? Do I really not know what I want to do anymore? If that’s the case, why? Have I been turned down from so many jobs that I’ve given up? Have I slipped back into the American Reality? These are all frightening questions! So in response, I took some time today to reinvent myself. I actually started earning my Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TELF) Certificate and should be finished by the end of September. I also made a list of personal goals that I’d like to align with:

1. Running – I guess I should clarify this one… Back when I lived in Spokane, WA a friend that I’ll call Cortimus Maximus for comic’s sake challenged me in the upcoming race in May 2009. The race is called Bloomsday and it’s a 12k road race. For those of you who know me well, you know that I’ve completed a timed half marathon and just recently completed the Pikes Peak Descent route un-timed. My competitive debut will happen on CSU’s homecoming 5k race and I’ll be building up from there. I’m also occasionally volunteer assistant coaching my old cross country team from high school.

2. Language – I want to be intermediate in Spanish by the end of December. I’ve got a program called Rosetta Stone and a few friends who are fluent who promised to help.

3. Photography – I think I’m going to focus on Black and White photography. I really admire how the reduction of color instantly emphasizes emption.

4. Physical Activity – I’ve spent some time this afternoon researching clubs and organizations that I can get involved with to get me moving. Tomorrow I’m gonna try a series of Yoga classes. I also found the National Strength and Conditioning Association as well as a number of swing and hip hop classes.

Without being attached to a class schedule, I figure it’s about time for me to engage in some of the activities that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. We’ll see how it goes!

2008-08-19T20:39:00.000-06:00

I apologize to my avid readers for taking so long to post. It’s been a rollercoaster lately. First thing…Nothing new with the job searches. I’m getting sick of reformatting resumes and cover letters, although I’m getting pretty quick at it. I’ve currently got 9 applications out and I’m waiting to hear back from 9 of them. They’re all in Colorado, Denver primarily but I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t be so picky in where I want a job. Maybe that’s my biggest problem! To be perfectly honest, I don’t want to head out to the East coast. It’s just not for me. I wanna work to live and not live to work. Please don’t take offence if you’re from there, I’m just West coast at heart. And I realize that even though I claim to be West coast, being from Colorado makes it a little difficult to up and move to California. Even though there may be some pretty rad people there, I’m not so sure I can sell out and become a Californian. So the search will continue… If any of you have any leads, PLEASE pass them along. I like to think that we’re all in this together and that we’ll look out for each other, even if it is just a job.

With that out of the way, I wanna recommend a book I recently finished reading, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It’s an amazing book and it was recommended by Trish. It talks about following your Personal Legend and connecting with the Soul of the World. In fact it was the perfect book for me because I found myself starting to doubt my drive to make a difference in the world. It brought up some amazingly inspiring points. Take my desire to change the world for example, “When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it.” That’s really motivating considering sometimes I feel like I’m at odds with the economy and the fact that I really don’t seem to have much job experience. I guess its easier knowing, “The closer one gets to realizing his Personal Legend, the more that Personal Legend becomes his true reason for being.” It has definitely been uplifting and it seemed to be a book I picked up at the perfect time.

Speaking of perfect time, I recently reconnected with some invaluable friends this last weekend. Laura and Eddie flew in for the weekend and I went up to Denver to see them. I also got to see Dave and Perry which was an added bonus! It got me reminiscent of the good times when we weren’t worried about finding jobs. Instead, we were enjoying life. I see life as the moment we’re living right now, and at that moment, we were sailing around the world on a ship. We were thrust into the world and returned seasoned citizens of the world. I also realized something…it’s one thing to remain friends among such great distances but it’s another to physically see them and bask in their presence. There’s nothing like a hug and a smile to remind you just how much you really miss that person. I can’t wait for January when I get to see my favorites again!

Turks and Caicos Islands baby!!

What a Downer...

2008-08-15T14:46:00.001-06:00

Well I found out that I didn't get the position at Regis... I don't know how anyone expectes this generation to contribute to society if we're never given the chance. It's always the same story, you don't have enough education or you don't have enough work experience. How the fuck are we supposed to get more education if colleges are looking for life experience? How the fuck are we supposed to get jobs if we don't have the initial work experience in the first place? We're basically set up for failure. I can't even count how many of my friends with college degrees are balancing a number of hourly paid jobs. They're working themselves to death without getting anything out of it. Working nearly two full time jobs just to pay off our student loans and other bills we've accumulated along the way.

I'm just fed up with it! Something's gotta change...

2008-08-10T21:03:00.000-06:00

As of Friday evening, I was expecting to rejoice in a new career at Regis University. Unfortunately, when the Dean called, I didn’t get the news I was hoping for. There were no congratulations, or job offers. In fact, there wasn’t even an apologetic “nice try, but we filled the position with someone more qualified.” No, it was an alternative between the best and worst possible answer. “You’re one of the top three candidates applying for the position and we’ll be making a final decision over the weekend.” I’m supposed to hear back whether I got the position or not on Monday. That leaves the ENTIRE WEEKEND for me to stress about why or why not I’ll get the offer. Am I too young? Will I have enough work experience? Are they worried that I won’t commit for too long? Do they really think I’m cut out for this type of work? Will I work well with the staff? Will parents see me as a credible representation of the university? These are all concerns running through my head.

I’ve done as much as I could to keep my mind distracted this weekend. I went up to Denver to see a visiting friend from Massachusetts who happened to be in town for her uncle’s wedding. I also reconnected with a fellow F’06er whom I did not know lived in Denver. In fact, we’re going to have lunch tomorrow afternoon. Tonight, I went to the Springs to hang out with an old friend from high school. I also hiked the initial Incline of Pikes Peak and completed the entire incline and switchback down in 1:04. The funny part…it took me 44 minutes to make it to the top of a 2.5 mile straight vertical while only 20 minutes to make it down 3.5 miles worth of switchbacks. Even though all of this helped ease the tension, as I sit here now contemplating on the reason for my distractions, I still realize that tomorrow determines whether or not I’m going to continue feeling like a failure without a job or a place of my own. I guess I’m equating employment as a means of achievement. It’s not just a paycheck but a means of direction. With steady employment, I’ll be able to move into my own place, pay my bills and start saving for the future. I’ll be able to continue living the dream by traveling periodically and seeing those people I traveled the world with. I’ll be able to go back to the city I’m actually still not missing and see all of the people I left behind in Spokane.

I guess it all comes down to this…please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers so I may start the week and month on a high note.

Namasté

Companionship on a Lifelong Journey

2008-08-07T00:49:00.000-06:00

Have you ever stopped to wonder whether you’re connected on a higher level with someone meaningful in your life? I’m not talking about close friendships but rather a connection on an entirely deeper and more spiritual level. I think we are. I see those individuals as companions traveling with us through this life’s journey. They are our SOUL MATES. They are the people connected to our life’s energy. Whenever your heart cries out in pain or despair, they respond with comfort and love. Their timing couldn’t be more perfect! They are the balance in your universe and the foundation which you build upon. The reason I bring this up is because of someone I consider a soul mate. We’ve been companions for a while. And even though our pathways separated at one point, they’ve reunited.

As many of you probably don’t know, I recently quit my job as Assistant Director for Environment Colorado. My talents and gifts were being wasted on efforts that weren’t bringing light into the world. Frustration, anger, annoyance, impatience, discontent and uselessness were all feelings that manifest themselves. After reevaluating my situation and battling the beginning signs of hopelessness, I decided to apply to be an Admissions Counselor for Regis University. It seems like it could be a good fit for me and I feel like it will help point me in the right direction. I had my interview this morning and it seemed to go well until the very end where the Dean was wrapping everything up. He brought up a point in response to an answer to a question he posed to me earlier in the day. He lingered on that point for some time which left me feeling uneasy and unsure. On the drive home, I couldn’t help but feel like I blew it. The rest of the day felt emotionless and stale.

It wasn’t until the evening when my person called and reassured me that things are going work out. She said we’re different because we have the energy and potential to do something great in order to change the world. It just takes patience and time. This is really what I needed to hear. She sensed the chaos in my life and restored balance. Little did she know that I was planning on calling her later because I needed to connect. One of the greatest parts of life is the people we meet and the way they complement who we are. I’m grateful for the significant friends who take the time to add meaning and insight into this journey.

To my soul mates, thanks for the comfort and love.

PLAYTIME

2008-07-31T15:33:00.000-06:00

I can’t even believe how quickly this week is passing by. It seems like life is on the fast track to nowhere and strangely, I’m holding on. On Tuesday, I reconnected with a long lost close friend. We went to church together in high school and then both attend college in Spokane, WA. She graduated a year ahead of me and headed to the east coast for some volunteer work and ended up staying there. She seems very content and I’m happy for her. It’s been quite some time since we caught up and it was a delightful interruption from the monotony of my current situation.

Yesterday, I only work a half day before heading home to relax. I spent some time trying to reorganize my life…or at least the room I’m living in. It was nice doing something for me. I’ve been so swamped with work and the long hours that I haven’t really had any me time lately. I also go on the web and did some research for both grad school and potential other employment opportunities. I got really excited when I found information on Regis University. It’s about one third the size of Gonzaga in regards to undergraduate students and its Mission is very focused on service towards the immediate community. I really like that! I feel like I’ll be much happier ‘there’ rather than ‘here.’ Only two more days this week and I’m free!

I’m heading back up to Fort Collins this weekend and I’m pretty stoked about it! I’m picking up Jenna on the way and we’ll stay until Saturday afternoon. It’ll probably be a night in Old Town followed by a late morning/early afternoon of wine and homemade sushi!! Hooray Sushi Saturday…(Obviously not a substitute for my fellow Sushi partners in crime back in Spokane). After I drop Jenna back off in Denver, I’m shootin over towards Boulder for the night to see an old friend from high school. Not only did we both graduate from Lewis-Palmer High School, we also worked together as lifeguards and swim instructors. It’s gonna be a GREAT WEEKEND!!!

Just on a random side note…I’m planning on boycotting the Olympics for certain political reasons and I was wondering if any of you were planning on doing the same. Are you hosting alternative events addressing the injustices of the Chinese influence not only in China but Tibet and Burma? If you are, leave a comment with your plans!

Welcome to Colorado

2008-07-26T22:01:00.000-06:00

Feeling like DEATH the past 16 hours, there’s been nothing but throbbing and pounding inside my head. Unmanageable pain and discomfort tore through my dreams and continually disrupted my sleep. Waking several times throughout the night disoriented, my body screamed to purge the illness that plagued me. Unfortunately, in a universe that requires absolute balance, everything great comes with a cost.

As I settle into this new place with new goals I find myself tackling a little bit too much a little too quickly. Living a healthier lifestyle, reading more, learning a new language, reconnecting with old friends, finding lasting value in new friends, defining who I am, reestablishing my running, hiking more mountains, and assessing my spirituality are accomplishments I’m striving to see into fruition. Unfortunately, I’m bound by conditions that prevent me from doing everything at once. Change demands time and patience. My time here has been short and my patience is about as effective as the attention span of a new puppy.

Yesterday I spent approximately 8 hours with two of my best friends trying to climb Pikes Peak. Within our 8-hour hike, we experienced a 4,065 ft. elevation chnge in less than 16 miles. Needless to say, I became affected by a moderately severe case of altitude sickness. Being in Colorado for less than 2 weeks, I should have known better than to try to tackle a mountain without giving myself at least another week to acclimatize to the high elevations. Illness aside, I learned that I could turn back without feeling like a failure. I also learned that people out in the world have the ability to motivate better than anything else I’ve ever seen. I can’t even recall how many people I saw training for the Pikes Peak Descent Race. I saw incredible athletes who weren’t wasting their time in the gym but rather enjoying the outdoors while make monumental progress towards their OWN personal goals! I-N-S-P-I-R-A-T-I-O-N!!! I saw something in Americans that I haven’t taken notice of in quite some time, that is the approachability and friendliness that I witnessed in other countries. It was nice making a friendly greeting and having the same gesture returned.

It's nice being back in Colorado!

Still Searching for Direction

2008-07-22T13:02:00.000-06:00

So I’ve moved out to Colorado Springs for a job that I’m finding isn’t really what I was expecting. I’m involved in environmental advocacy which is a GREAT thing to be involved with, however it’s difficult canvassing and putting in nearly 80 hours of work each week. I’ve only been here for about a week and I’m already feeling bogged down and worn out. Moving back to the Springs, I feel like I’m in a completely different place. I’ve transformed into a different person and this place hasn’t. I’m more progressive and liberal than the city. The truth is, I haven’t really interacted with the Springs since high school. Obviously, I’ve returned periodically for breaks during school but I was never really actively engaged in the politics or the overall feel of the city. I feel frustrated! I feel as though I’ve come to another pathway that isn’t necessarily the one I should be following. I want to move to move to Denver or Fort Collins. Denver primarily because it’s a bustling city and it’s the primary access point to hiking, camping, skiing, and it’s close to my friends in Fort Collins. On the other hand, Fort Collins is a town that fits my personality. It’s laid back and chill. It’s environmentally conscious and outdoor oriented. The younger mentality of the college town just screams innovation and creativity. I definitely need innovation and creativity in my life. I wanna do something that matters.

On a side note, I spent the weekend up in Fort Collins with Raine, Carina, and Megan and had a blast! I always love reconnecting with Raine and I feel as though I’m becoming closer to Carina and Megan. As Raine said, we can be “real” friends now. It’s nice to look forward to something constant. A dear friend of mine once said that as voids open up, the universe longs to fill to it. My void was the absence of my friends back in Spokane. Most especially my cherished friend Amy. Amy was my person the last 6 months or so. She made leaving Spokane so difficult by making my final days so meaningful.

Overwhelmed

2008-07-17T22:27:00.000-06:00

I’m so utterly worn and weathered from my parents and their incessant need to direct my life. It’s my Fucking life! If it’s not which college to go to, it’s whether or not I should go on a semester abroad. If it’s not what job I’m doing, it’s whether or not I make enough money. Why the service field or nonprofit route? There’s no money there. I’m not living their lives. I understand that their experiences direct their values but the same applies to me. I value making a difference in the world and if that requires living a life in mediocrity than I gladly accept. Money and materialism are not what rule MY LIFE. My experiences and the life I live tell my story. I live in a different generation and I wish they would get that.

I wanna be the change I wish to see in the world. I wanna live the dream. I want to count. I want to mean something and I want every bit of my inner being to make a difference. There is a void in my life that I’m longing to fill and the universe is trying to help me fill that dark hole. I need to break free and let the course of my life take shape on its own.

A New Beginning

2008-07-16T20:16:00.000-06:00

As one door closes, another one always opens. I haven’t really had time to reflect on this but I think it’s a lesson I should reevaluate. Things have been so intense since the passing away of my grandmother. I remember coming back from Chicago and not really knowing how to resume the transition I’ve been caught up in since graduation. My AmeriCorps year was coming to a close and I still didn’t have a job lined up. I also had to prepare to move from the Desmet house and try to deal with the grief. Sensing my frustration, my grandmother passed along her grace to help me find my peace. In a dream, she appeared and told me that everything would work out and that I should trust that the fruits of my labor would be rewarded. I woke with a strange calmness that I haven’t felt for awhile. I was offered a position with Progressive Future a few days later. I accepted and felt such a sensation of clarity. It’s like the struggle to find direction finally came to fruition and I was freed to focus on other unresolved pursuits.

With income and the ability to financially support myself, I’m now able to focus on the other voids that haunt me. Spirituality, creativity, health and fitness, and the defining of the man I’m destined to become. There’s so much out there…